Friday, March 09, 2007


President Bush has come up with an INGENIOUS idea for
winning the war in Iraq. He has pledged to increase
troop levels by 300,000,000. Yes! That's 300 million.
Now, I know what you're thinking, "but that's almost
everybody in the U.S. Who the hell are the lucky 3
million that get to stay at home?" The answer is we
ALL do! That's because Bush is enlisting squirrels to
fight the war. Yes, squirrels. The "cute rat", the
"ground pigeon", the "bushy tail bandit", "nature's
high wire artists". They steal your bird food, nibble
on your phone lines, and other annoying things.
He is calling it Operation Buddy Squirrel.

He also plans on backing the squirrels up with sniper
kittens(which some of you have already seen due to
intelligence leaks). That's right kittens! The "small
lion", man's "indifferent" friend, the "hair ball
assassin", the "cat box groundskeeper". This will be
called operation Cat Nip. I for one think this will be
a huge success. What insurgent could survive millions
of killer squirrels and kittens? You guessed it. None!


DEN said...

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by a older,
experienced doctor. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

A young, new doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and
she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The young Doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first
Doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The elder Doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without
looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

DEN said...

Paddy staggered home very late after an evening with his drinking buddy, Mick. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Bridget.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. The bottle of "Jameson" in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and rump. Bridget sat staring at him from across the room. She said, "Paddy McGuire, ye were drunk again last night, weren't ye?"

Paddy said, "Why are ye accusin' me of such a thing?"

"Ah, well," Bridget said, "it could be the open front door; it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs; it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house; it could be yer bloodshot eyes; but mostly, I'm thinkin', it's all those Band-Aids stuck to the hall mirror.

DEN said...

January 1, 2009

Hillary Clinton was sworn in today as President.

She has disposed of Bill, and is spending her first night alone in the White House.

She has waited several years for this.


The ghost of George Washington appears to her, and Hillary says,
"How can I best serve my country?"

Washington says,

"Never tell a lie." "Ouch!", says Hillary. "I don't know about that."


The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Jefferson says,

"Listen to the people."
"Ohhh!", she says. I really don't want to do that."


On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Lincoln says,

"Go to the theater."

Gerald said...

DEN, I believe that Mother Teresa is called Mother is because she founded a new order of nuns. Nuns are called sisters because they are part of a religious community of a particular order.

Gerald said...

Saladin on the Alternate Reality blogspot said that the Mayan priests will purify a site visited by Bush.

A new scandal is brewing in the cesspool city of Washington, D.C. The new scandal is called FUMIGATE. Wherever Bush goes, the places will have to be fumigated.

Alan said...

This article from a member of "Military Families Speak Out" was linked at "Crooks...". Add divorces to the cost of this war.

Broken by This War (More Casualties From Iraq - Nearly 60,000 U.S. Divorces)

It is the soldiers, their families, and the people of Iraq that pay the human costs. The tab so far: more than 3,000 dead U.S. troops, tens of thousands of wounded, over half a million Iraqi casualties, roughly 250,000 American servicemen and women struggling with PTSD, and almost 60,000 military marriages that have been broken by this war.

Including mine.


DEN said...

Gerald, "Fumigate" thats funny!

Alan, thats not funny, it's sad that we treat our troops the way we do.
The Repugs are the first ones to cry when Murtha raises issue regarding taking care of them.

Repug, neo-con, self centered, America haters, send them to.....well I guess nobody wants them in their country so we will just have to feed them to the fishes.....well that would be polluting the Oceans, aw just hang 'em like the cowards they are.

DEN said...

Beyond belief Dept.:

Is Your Baby Gay? What If You Could Know? What If You Could Do Something About It?

What if you could know that your unborn baby boy is likely to be sexually attracted to other boys? Beyond that, what if hormonal treatments could change the baby's orientation to heterosexual? Would you do it? Some scientists believe that such developments are just around the corner.

For some time now, scientists have been looking for a genetic or hormonal cause of sexual orientation. Thus far, no "gay gene" has been found -- at least not in terms of incontrovertible and accepted science. Yet, it is now claimed that a growing body of evidence indicates that biological factors may at least contribute to sexual orientation.

The most interesting research along these lines relates to the study of sheep. Scientists at the U.S. Sheep Experiment Station are conducting research into the sexual orientation of sheep through "sexual partner preference testing." As William Saletan at explains:

A bare majority of rams turn out to be heterosexual. One in five swings both ways. About 15 percent are asexual, and 7 percent to 10 percent are gay.

Read more of the comedy here.

Gerald said...

DEN, will gay babies be considered with pre-existing conditions and not have any health care?

Please take the time to reflect on how sick our evil empire really is!!! We are living in the land of psychos.

The labeling of people must continue so we can say that we are good, holy, and saintly. The truth is that we are all big time sinners.

Nazi Americans must be fearful so the psychos can control them.

And, people wonder why I PUKE so much.

I have an upchuck coming on!!!

DEN said...

Geez Gerald I hope I'm not responsible for that upchuck.

We live in a sick, self absorbed, narcissistic, country, no doubt.

You should really seek help with the upchucking, it is EXTREMELY hard on your ticker.

Unless of course you want to check out early.

DEN said...

Of Shameless Devotion to Wealth, Privilege, and Empire
By Jason Miller

Consider this my mea culpa for publishing If You Hate America So Much, Why Don’t You Get the Hell Out! (1) on my notoriously unorthodox sociopolitical blog, Thomas Paine’s Corner (2). When Jay Gould III, the former CEO of a major defense contractor, challenged me to post his viewpoint, I agreed to do so. This despite the fact that most of his positions clash violently with Thomas Paine’s Corner’s stated purpose, which is:

… advancing universal human rights, fostering social and economic justice, and supporting the cause of all oppressed, exploited, and impoverished human beings on our Earth.

After a series of email exchanges with my allies, publishers, partner sites, and with Gould, I realized that I had exercised poor judgment in putting his piece on my blog and in exercising my publishing privileges on his behalf on OpEd News(3). As Gould himself pointed out in a gleeful email (in which he called me his “useful idiot”), I had provided him with a means to reach online readers to advance his elitist agenda, which could easily have been learned at the knee of the Bush matriarch.

Read more here.

DEN said...

Mark Fiore's latest ditty; Ouchie!

DEN said...

Speaking of killer squirrels, how about squirrels with sever indigestion from eating cars?

Natalka Farrell doesn't know why, but for the past two years, the squirrels in her neighborhood have been out to get her.

The squirrels keep building nests underneath the hood of her van; and in the process, gnaw through the ignition wires, radiator hoses, even the hood's insulation.

More squirrelly silliness here.

DEN said...

When they outlaw Jedi Light Sabres, only outlaws will have them!

The UK's Jedi community today expressed concerns that government plans to ban Samurai swords could hinder their freedom to wield lightsabres in public.

The UK's Home Office today issued a consultation paper ahead of legislation intended to ban Samurai blades by the end of the year. In a bid to "protect the public", replica Samurai swords will become illegal to import, sell and hire in Britain.

Luke, use the force.

Gerald said...


DEN said...

New Yorkers are always trying to be cleverer-than-thou, even when it comes to naming their portable toilets. The city is awash in portalets from companies called "A Royal Flush" and "Call-A-Head." But we've got nothing on the rest of the country. We consulted The Blue Book of Building and Construction to find the top twenty unfortunately named portable-toilet companies from near and far:

20. Happy Can Portable Toilets, Atlanta
19. Drop Zone Portable Service Inc., Frankfort, Ill.
18. Blackmas Best Seat In The House Inc., Bradley, Ill.
17. Plop Jon Inc., Port Saint Lucie, Fla.
16. A.S.A.P. Port-A-Pots Inc., Hampstead, Md.
15. Ameri-Can Engineering, Argos, Ind.
14. Bobby's Pottys, Joppa, Md.
13. Johnny On The Spot Inc., Old Bridge, N.J.
12. LepreCAN Portable Restrooms, Chicago
11. Loader-Up, Inc., Sarasota, Fla.
10. Mister Bob's Portable Toilets, Vero Beach, Fla.
9. Royal Throne, Washington, D.C.
8. Tanks Alot, Tomball, Tex.
7. Tee Pee Inc, Roseville, Mich.
6. Wizards of Ooze Ltd., Anacortes, Wash.
5. Oui Oui Enterprises Ltd., Chicago
4. Gotta Go Potties, Tobyhanna, Pa.
3., Chicago
2. Willy Make It?, Oregon City, Oreg.
1. Doodie Calls, New Orleans

Talk about Potty Humor!

DEN said...

Gerald, maybe they are "highly intelligent" enough to take a pass on war, and stick with NUTS, we on the other hand like war and ARE nuts!

DEN said...

What passes for fun in the Land-o-Cheese;

EAU CLAIRE, (Wisconsin), March 9: Attempts to do a movie stunt landed one man in the hospital with burned genitals and another facing criminal charges. The men were trying to do a stunt from one of the "Jackass" movies, in which a character lights his genitals on fire.

Jared W. Anderson, 20, suffered serious burns to his hands and genitals, according to the criminal complaint. Randell D. Peterson, 43, who sprayed lighter fluid on Anderson and lit him on fire, was charged with felony battery and first-degree reckless endangerment Tuesday in Eau Claire County Court.

Witnesses told police that Anderson, who was drunk, volunteered to do the stunt Sunday after watching the movie, the complaint said.

According to the complaint:

Anderson pulled down his pants and let Peterson spray him with lighter fluid. When the fire didn't catch, Peterson sprayed more lighter fluid on Anderson, splashing some on his clothing. He tried again to light the fire, catching Anderson's genitals, hands and clothes on fire.

Anderson ran into the bathroom, jumped into the tub and put the flames out. Other guests took him to Luther Hospital, and eventually he was treated at the Regions Hospital Burn Unit in St. Paul, Minn., for second-degree burns.

Anderson told police who were called to the hospital that he didn't want anyone to get in trouble because of the stunt.

Peterson was freed on a $2,000 signature bond. He has a hearing scheduled April 16. If convicted, he faces up to 10 years in prison.

Now theres the REAL burn!

DEN said...

I AM GOD! dammit!

Mumbai, March 9: A man claiming to be God and wanting recognition of his "divine status" on Thursday failed to get the judicial endorsement he had sought.

The Bombay High Court rejected 30-year-old Dharmendra Mishra's application, saying it was not in its jurisdiction to respond to his prayers.

"I am Vishnu, Buddha, Christ. I know everything that goes around," said Mishra, who also pleaded with the court that he should be given the reins of the country and the UN as he was god.

The matter came up before a division bench of acting Chief Justice J N Patel and Justice S C Dharmadhikari, who dismissed Mishra's plea.

Mishra, a resident of Kurla who works in a call centre, claimed in his petition that he had written to President Abdul Kalam, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, Lok Sabha Speaker Somnath Chatterji, Congress chief Sonia Gandhi and Chief Justice of India K G Balakrishnan about his divinity.

He also claimed in his petition that his wife is "Laxmi", and she recollects her previous births.

Mishra told reporters that he was ready to undergo a cyanide test and claimed he would not die.

Can't wait to see how that turns out.

DEN said...

WADDYA MEAN I"M DEAD?, hold please.

Raipur, March 8: In a bizarre incident, a mans family almost cremated a dead body that looked like him, but stopped when they received a chance phone call from him even as the last rites were being performed at his home here.

Deepak Bhattacharya, in his 50s, was shocked to hear from his relatives that they were preparing to cremate a dead body they thought was his. This occurred on Tuesday when he was away from home to pay a telephone bill.

The mix-up occurred after police called the Bhattacharya family at around 10 am  about an hour after he had left his Tikrapara residence  and asked them to identify a corpse.

Bhattacharyas brother-in-law identified the body as his and, after the due process, took it home for the last rites, Superintendent of Police Sashi Mohan Singh said.

Even as the rituals were being performed, Bhattacharya called home, shocking everyone present there. I asked my daughter who picked up the phone, I am alive. How can you cremate me? said Bhattacharya.

The confusion was caused by the fact that the dead man and Bhattacharya looked very similar, police said.

Thought it was getting warm in this phone booth!

DEN said...

"More BEANS Mr. Taggart!"

Man Who Loved Baked Beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

DEN said...

Bumper Stickers;

If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"

Please tell your pants it's not polite to point.

If that phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive better!

Don't be sexist, broads hate that.

Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!

Constipated people don't give a shit.

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.

To all you virgins... Thanks for nothing.

If you can read this... I lost my trailer.

Your just jealous cause the voices are only talking to me.

I have the body of a God.... Buddha.

So manny little time.

Eat right, exercise, die anyway!

Illiterate...Write for help.

Cover me... I'm changing lanes.

Boldly going nowhere.

Body by Nautilus, brain by Mattel.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you are doing it wrong.

Honk if anything falls off.

If we quit voting, will they all go away.

Heart attacks... God's revenge for eating his animal friends.

DEN said...

Better to be a Smartass than a Dumbass!

Top 6 Smartass Answers

SMARTASS ANSWER #6 It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

SMARTASS ANSWER #5 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

SMARTASS ANSWER #4 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMARTASS ANSWER #3 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMARTASS ANSWER #2 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

SMARTASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006 A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand

DEN said...

Oh that little Johnny!

Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."

"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

I'll vote for that!!

DEN said...

Women need not read this;

How to Make a Woman Happy? I'm pretty sure this is all we need to do...

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be: 1. a friend 2. a companion 3. a lover 4. a brother 5. a father 6. a master 7. a chef 8. an electrician 9. a carpenter 10. a plumber 11. a mechanic 12. a decorator 13. a stylist 14. a sexologist 15. a gynecologist 16. a psychologist 17. a pest exterminator 18. a psychiatrist 19. a healer 20. a good listener 21. an organizer 22. a good father 23. very clean 24. sympathetic 25. athletic 26. warm 27. attentive 28. gallant 29. intelligent 30. funny 31. creative 32. tender 33. strong 34. understanding 35. tolerant 36. prudent 37. ambitious 38. capable 39. courageous 40. determined 41. true 42. dependable 43. passionate 44. compassionate


45. give her compliments regularly 46. love shopping 47. be honest 48. be very rich 49. not stress her out 50. not look at other girls


51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself 52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself 53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes


54. Never to forget: * birthdays * anniversaries * arrangements she makes


1. Give head 2. Bring food

AW! you read it didn't you!
Better get busy with #1&2!

DEN said...

One last blast;

"The problem with the designated driver program is it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --- Jeff Foxworthy

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --- Bob Ettinger

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: -- -- Duh." --- Conan O'Brien

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." ---Lynda Montgomery

"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner." --- Roseanne

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --- Richard Jeni

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --- Paul Rodriguez

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law." --- Jerry Seinfeld

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" --- Warren Hutcherson

"Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress...But I repeat myself." ---Mark Twain

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." --- A. Whitney Brown

"We have women in the military, but we don't put them in the front lines. We don't know if they can fight or if they can kill. I think they can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'" --- Elayne Boosler

David B. Benson said...

Den --- You can have all the squirrels around here.

They are illegal immigrants!

DEN said...

No thanks Doc, I have my own little mercenaries!

DEN said...

Title: Heads or Tails will roll;

The US Mint was red-faced Thursday after discovering that an unknown number of new 1 dollar coins bearing the image of George Washington are missing the words "In God We Trust" and other lettering along the edges.

The Mint said in a statement that it had struck more than 300 million of the gold-colored coins last month but an unspecified quantity made by the US Mint at Philadelphia had been placed into circulation without edge lettering.

The coins were supposed to have the inscriptions "In God We Trust" and "E Pluribus Unum" (Latin for One from Many) as well as the mint mark and year.

"We take this matter seriously," the Mint statement said. "The agency is looking into the matter to determine a possible cause in the manufacturing process."

The flawed coins were fetching some 50 dollars online from coin collectors, according to news reports.

Seriously? Appoint a committee.

DEN said...

That wraps up my comedy routine for Friday, time to go play in traffic!

David B. Benson said...

Finally managed to learn something today.

Besides the fact that Den doesn't want any more squirrels...

DEN said...

Those of you with a fast connection need to go here and watch Robert Reichs first and possibly last video, as he described it.

Scroll down a bit.

DEN said...

According to a comment you don't need a fast connection, try it, WTH.

Dr. Benson, do you recall a show Home Improvement? Wilson the neighbor was skinning the little weasles and pinning the skins to a board on the wall, possible to send a signal to ward off other squirrels.

Bad squirrel Ju Ju.

DEN said...

Well ther ya be. Nuff jokes to make your gut bust with laughter, I hope.

Anyway I figure Friday is a good day to forget the weekly mental wringing for a while.

The worlds problems will be there tomorrow, and the next day, and the next.

Help someone in need if they ask,or even if they don't, there are a lot more poor than there used to be.

Alan said...

Ahh, the version I've seen of


1. show up nekid
2. bring beer