Friday, May 04, 2007

FRIDAY FUNNIES







__________________________________________

Delivering the Bad News

Three Rednecks were working on the BellSouth tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, You must be Steve's widow'."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow."

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are".

_________________________________________________________

SIGNS OF THE TIMES:

Cocktail Lounge
, Norway

"LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR."
Doctor's office, Rome:
"SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES."

Dry cleaners,
Bangkok:
"DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS."

On an
Athi River highway (this is the main road to Mombasa) leaving Nairobi.
"TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."

In a City restaurant:
"OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS."

A notice seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
"DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS."

In a cemetery:
"PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES."

A
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
"GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED."

In a
Tokyo bar:
"SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS."

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
"THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID. "

Hotel, Japan:
"YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBER MAID."

Hotel,
Zurich:
"BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE."

Advertisement for donkey rides,
Thailand:
"WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?"

A laundry in
Rome:
"LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME."
_____________________________________________________________________

Thanks, Alan and Gary

22 comments:

DEN said...

By Michael Isikoff
Newsweek
Updated: 6:23 p.m. PT May 3, 2007

May 3, 2007 - Deputy chief of staff Karl Rove participated in a hastily called meeting at the White House two months ago. The subject: The firing of eight U.S. attorneys last year. The purpose: to coach a top Justice Department official heading to Capitol Hill to testify on the prosecutorial purge on what he should say.

@ Newsweek

Rover was a BAAAAADD Boy! TSK, TSK.

micki said...

Okay, Den...you asked for it! LOL!

M.I.T. DISCOVERS DENSEST ELEMENT KNOWN TO SCIENCE

Boston, May 4, 2007 (Reuters) - The Massacuetts Institute of Technology has announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science, named "Bushcranium," which has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311. These particles are held together by tiny, dark forces called morons, surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

The symbol for Bushcranium is "W." Bushcranium's mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons in a Bushcranium molecule, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Bushcranium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass."

When catalyzed with money, Bushcranium activates Foxnewsium, an element that radiates orders of magnitude more energy, albeit as incoherent noise.

DEN said...

Last night, the Republican Party declared itself to be in denial and irrelevant except as an out of touch opposition party with no ideas left for any of the hard questions of governnance.

@ FDL

Better start calling these guys; Retardicans, wait, no, that would give the retarded a bad name, how about Redoitagains?

Stupid is stupid, and denial of reality is a psychiatric condition.

micki said...

Go read this article @ Vanity Fair -- here's the last graf:

And, in some significant way, the nuttiness is the point. Rudy is reversing the basic political math, where likability = electability. Rather, it's Rudy's extremism, his vividness, the joie de guerre of his obsessions and fixations, his beastliness, that give him his chance. He ought to flee from his wife's advice and stay away from those necessarily mealymouthed Barbara and Oprah interviews—that's no place for a son of a bitch. These days the biggest Republican sin, bigger even than supporting abortion or gun control, may be the sin of the flip-flop. And that's the marvelous advantage Rudy has to offer his party. You can better trust a crazy man, lacking normal artifice and equivocations, not to shit you.

Michael Wolff is a Vanity Fair contributing editor.

The Article! Crazy Bastard, that he is

micki said...

You know we're in deep doo-doo when the only thing the 10 GOP dwarves can agree on is *persistance* in Iraq, lower taxes, BIG defense spending, and the Reagan legacy.

Man oh man, would someone please tell me ANYTHING GOOD about the Reagan legacy!

Do only lunatics run for president?

DEN said...

Something good, he's worm food!

DEN said...

I'm in the mind set that people like Gouliani are NOT funny.

Basicly people like him give credence to the "being stoopid is ok" school of thought.

Folks see an idiot like him and they feel a comradery with him 'cause they are as nutzo as he his and need to know there are fellow nutzo's out there.

Besides, he should stay dressed like an old woman, it suits him better.

With the Repiglickens there are no viable choices UNLESS you are stoopid too, so many fascists, so few bullets.

DEN said...

In my mailbox, I found this:


NO GAS...On May 15th 2007
Body: Don't pump gas on may 15th
Body: ...in April 1997, there was a "gas out" conducted nationwide in protest of gas prices. Gasoline prices dropped 30 cents a gallon overnight.

On May 15th 2007, all internet users are to not go to a gas station in protest of high gas prices. Gas is now over $3.00 a gallon in most places.

There are 73,000,000+ American members currently on the internet network, and the average car takes about 30 to 50 dollars to fill up.

If all users did not go to the pump on the 15th, it would take
$2,292,000,000.00 (that's almost 3 BILLION) out of the oil companys pockets for just one day, so please do not go to the gas station on May 15th and lets try to put a dent in the Middle Eastern oil industry for at least one day.

Don't pump gas on May 15th

micki said...

...as we were saying yesterday ORWELLIAN!

Jeff Gannon has been promoted (demoted?) to become spokesman for the International Bible Reading Association.

Is this a new definition of "cover your ass?"

DEN said...

Hiding under the priests' robes was his first job.

DEN said...

The ugly truth surrounding Ima-anus' lawsuit can be read here if anyone has the stomach for it.

DEN said...

Mike Gravel has and interview (audio) at Truthdig here.

Whatever anyone says about him, he still kicks butt with a sensible approach to problems.

He's got stones!

micki said...

Nature's carbon 'sink' smaller than expected

º¿carol said...

BuzzFlash Hypocrite of the Week

May 4, 2007

George W. Bush



Welcome back to the BuzzFlash GOP Hypocrite of the Week.

Bush, who is now calling himself "the commander guy," has made it clear that he is opposed to timelines, and even benchmarks (even though the benchmarks his administration set up a long time ago were never met, but the media has forgotten that they even existed by now.)

But Nancy Pelosi reminded us that Bush was critical of Clinton for not setting up timelines: "Yet in 1999, on June 5, then-Governor Bush said about President Clinton, 'I think it's important for the president to lay out a timetable as to how long they will be involved and when they would be withdrawn.'"

A timeline is required for Democratic presidents, but not for Republicans? Given that tens of thousands of Iraqis and Americans are dying for this hypocrisy, it merits more than passing notice.

There's no placating a narcissistic sociopath like Bush. You just need to yank the matches out of his hand and take him away from the gasoline he has spilled all over the carpet.

He doesn't need a war-funding bill; he needs an intervention. The Constitution provides for such a contingency. It's called impeachment.

This is not a typical titillating GOP hypocrisy. It's a mortal sin.

Until next week, remember our motto: So many Republican hypocrites, so little time.

Catch up with you soon.

* * *

This is the third time George W. Bush has won the HOTW Award in 2007. Bush also won it on February 2, 2007 and January 12, 2007. Bush has won the HOTW Award numerous times.

º¿carol said...

Culture Wars Redux: Conservatives start QubeTV.tv in response to YouTube.com "liberal bias"

In the, "I'm really not making this up" section of the news today, folks are creating something called QubeTV.tv in response to the "liberal bias" of YouTube. It's the culture wars of the user-generated media.

It's laughable of course. Someone even started a conservative version of Wikipedia, which just utterly defies the reason for Wikipedia in the first place.

Wikipedia, Jimmy Wales' Internet encyclopedia, also has some conservative competition on the Web. Conservapedia.com was founded in November 2006 by Andrew Schlafly, son of conservative activist Phyllis Schlafly.
The reason why these user-generated sites may seem to have a liberal bias is because conservatives seem to be afraid of culture. Period. They're the old parents telling their kids to turn that infernal racket down because it's not Mozart.

So, conservatives have to start their own site, with an explicit bias, because they don't have enough relevancy in popular culture to actually control, well, popular culture. Videos on QubeTV.tv so far? A video of Rep. Tom Tancredo, R-CO., explaining why President Bush's tax cuts should be made permanent. Wow! Do I want to watch that or the new Linkin Park video dealing with global warming on YouTube? Conservative taxes, liberal minding the environment? Let's see what users think : Tom's video has been viewed 243 times. Linkin Park's has been viewed 3,415,583 times

Culture is strong. And it's not liberal; it's just accepting. And because it's accepting, it has mass appeal. Culture in itself eventually defines politics. This is something that Conservatives may never understand. One of my favorite quotes is from an MFA artist named BARR. In one of his songs, he sings: [mp3 link]

"Politics is not necessarily just guerrilla fighters, prime ministers and who cheated in the primaries, it’s also who am I in relation to you, who are we in the way we can see ourselves in relation to the other kids."

That's it. That's politics. Simple. Oh, and incidentally, Qube.TV is a design firm. QubeTV.tv is the conservative response to YouTube. Maybe they should have thought of buying their domain name before branding themselves as QubeTV. Qube.TV would have been much better for them, and it's laughable that they don't own it. And pretty indicative of how well they understand culture, anyway.

DEN said...

They should call it DoofTube but I guess it is obvious.

micki said...

SICK SICK SICK

Reuters

U.S. Marines unlikely to report civilian abuse: study

Fri May 4, 2007 3:42PM EDT

By David Morgan

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Only 40 percent of Marines and 55 percent of U.S. Army soldiers deployed in Iraq say they would report a fellow serviceman for killing or injuring an innocent Iraqi, a Pentagon report released on Friday shows.

The Army survey, which showed increasing rates of mental health problems for troops on extended or multiple deployments, also said well over one-third of soldiers and Marines believe torture should be allowed to elicit information that could save the lives of American troops or gain knowledge about Iraqi insurgents.

Overall, about 10 percent of the 1,320 soldiers and 447 Marines covered in the survey said they had mistreated civilians, either through physical violence or damage to their personal property. The survey was conducted by U.S. Army medical experts between August 28 and October 3, 2006.

"Soldiers with high levels of anger, who had experienced high levels of combat or who screened positive for mental health symptoms were nearly twice as likely to mistreat noncombatants," acting Army Surgeon General Gale Pollock told reporters.

The findings, which included the first survey of ethics among U.S. troops in combat, were released Friday in an 89-page report posted on the Web site www.armymedicine.army.mil. It was delivered to senior military officials in November.

Claims of U.S. mistreatment of Iraqi detainees and civilians have shadowed American forces in Iraq from revelations of abuse at Abu Ghraib prison in 2004 to reports of the November 19, 2005, killing of 24 Iraqi civilians by Marines in Haditha.

EXTENDED TOURS

The survey data came out a month after Defense Secretary Robert Gates extended tours for U.S. soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan to up to 15 months instead of one year as U.S. forces increase their numbers in Iraq under a plan ordered by President George W. Bush.

The extended tours were widely seen as the latest sign of strain placed on the U.S. military by the two wars.

There are currently some 145,000 U.S. troops in Iraq and 25,000 in Afghanistan. Bush's plan calls for boosting the U.S. deployment in Iraq by 28,000 combat and support troops.

The report, the fourth prepared by the Army's Mental Health Advisory Team since the war in Iraq began in 2003, showed that mental health problems such as acute stress, anxiety and depression rose among troops facing longer deployments or their second or third tour in Iraq.

Overall, about 20 percent of Army soldiers and 15 percent of Marines showed mental health symptoms of either anxiety, depression or acute stress. The rate was at 30 percent among troops with high combat experience.

Among Army soldiers, 27 percent of those with more than one tour of duty tested positive for a mental health problem, versus 17 percent for soldiers on their first deployment.

The rate of anxiety, depression and acute stress stood at 22 percent among soldiers deployed for more than six months and at 15 percent for troops in Iraq for less than six months.

Army experts recommended that the Pentagon extend the interval between deployments to 18 to 36 months so that troops could recover mentally.

Gates said last month that troops in the region covered by the U.S. Central Command -- from East Africa to Central Asia -- could expect to spend 12 months at home between deployments.

micki said...

MORE REASONS TO BUY LOCAL

* Each year, the average American consumes 260 pounds of imported food.

* 98.7% of foods imported into the U.S. are NOT inspected by the FDA for safety.

* Of the scant 1.3% of imported foods the FDA tests, over 200 shipments of grains, fish, vegetables, nuts, spice, oils and other imported foods are detained each month for issues ranging from filth to unsafe food coloring to contamination with pesticides to salmonella. The other 98.7% of untested food is immediately green-lighted for the American diet.

* The U.S. imports almost twice as much food today as it did just ten years ago, yet the FDA's budget for testing imports has been cut nearly in half since 2000.

micki said...

5 WAYS TO REDUCE YOUR ECOLOGICAL FOOTPRINT WHEN SHOPPING

1. Switch to environmentally friendly cleaning supplies. The use of conventional cleaners exposes your family and our environment to some very nasty toxic chemicals.

2. If you buy only one or two organic items, make them milk and meat. Most conventional milk and meat are produced on factory farms that feed their animals massive amounts of pesticide and fossil-fuel intensive conventional corn, at the same time creating massive manure lagoons that contaminate local ground water.

3. Be as conscious about the packaging as you are about the product. The production and disposal of packaging takes a heavy environmental toll. You can eliminate 1,200 pounds of carbon dioxide (CO2) every year by simply reducing your waste by 10%. While you're at it, bring your own shopping bags.

4. Buy local and regional, or at least USA-grown, whenever possible, to reduce energy and pollution from long transportation. But of course some products are not produced in the US.. For overseas products, look for the organic and Fair Trade label.

5. Buy in bulk. If you regularly buy a certain product, consider buying it in bulk. It usually has less packaging, is more affordable, and requires fewer trips to the store.

DEN said...

Micki, great suggestions!

Produce with recycling in mind.

Narrow the field of plastics and paper.

Grow hemp to replace paper and fabric, it is awesome stuff and has many uses.

Of course there will have to be money to be made or it will never happen.

Alan said...

From Laura Linger at her blog.

Sack of Monkeys in My Pocket

My brother was killed in Iraq today.

Alan said...

Condi Rice's staff basically obstructed justice.

Waxman to Rice: Step Back

Waxman said that when his staff sought to meet with Simon Dodge, a nuclear weapons analyst at the State Department's Bureau of Intelligence and Research, a State Department official called and objected. According to Waxman, the official "informed Committee staff that you [Rice] were prohibiting Mr. Dodge from meeting with Committee investigators. This official claimed that allowing Mr. Dodge to speak with Committee staff would be 'inappropriate' because the Committee voted to issue a subpoena to compel your attendance at a hearing on your knowledge of the fabricated evidence."

Waxman said he was giving Rice the benefit of the doubt:

"I assume that your legislative staff was acting without your authorization in this matter. It would be a matter of great concern - as well as an obvious conflict of interest - if vou had directed your staff to impede a congressional investigation into matter that may implicate your conduct as National Security Advisor."
Waxman informed Rice that the committee would be interviewing Dodge next week.