Friday, June 01, 2007

Friday Funnies












..................................................................
Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed
as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth. One of my
sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and
selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two
sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas.

I have two brothers: one is currently serving a non-parole life
sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My
other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual
misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives
in Longview. She is a part time 'working girl'.

All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancé and look
forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally
open and honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Hillary Clinton for
President?

Signed,

Worried About My Reputation

Peggy
...................................................................

Birth Control Pill for Grandma


After working most of her life Grandma finally retired. At her next checkup,
the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been
prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes
grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could
possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that.
But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that
my 16 year old granddaughter drinks... And believe me, it helps me sleep at night ."

You gotta love Grandmas!
...................................................................

MENOPAUSE JEWELRY


My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green and when I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big
frickin' red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond!


.

14 comments:

DEN said...

There you have it, humor of enormous proportions,

would you believe, Biblical proportions?

Naw I didn't think so.

micki said...

No comment.

micki said...

Well, actually I do have a comment...regarding bush's "change" on global warming.

It's obvious that bush's handlers have decided they cannot ignore climate issues any longer, so they have trotted out a non-plan in advance of the Group of 8 meeting in an attempt to make it look like he's started to give a s**t.

bush's 'plan' has no teeth and no good intentions. Where is the commitment to adopt limits on domestic emissions? How can the rest of the world take his 'plan' seriously when it's VOLUNTARY?

This "aspirational" plan makes me sick. Pass the bucket, Gerald.

MICKI said...

bush gives presidential coin to families of dead soldiers and tells them 'DON'T GO SELL THEM ON Ebay!'

What an insensitive jerk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DEN said...

Fair trade, a chimpy nickle for someones life,

Yea in BIZARRO WORLD!

micki said...

I think it's a really weird coincidence that the TB traveler's new father-in-law works as a tuberculosis researcher at CDC.

Strange happenings in this strange world.

DEN said...

It's all relative.

DEN said...

Maybe daddy brought some home for the kids and he did a little too much spit swapping with daughter,

speaking of which, why isn't she in isolation too?

Supposedly they were together, right?

Something fishy here in Gotham city.

DEN said...

OOPS I did not mean to imply, daddy did the spit swapping, rather the son-in-law did the spit swapping.

Jeez

Alan said...

This was a good article that was about alot more than the title.

Bush: Buckle up for safety and otherwise respect law

Ordinarily, a president driving around his own ranch in a pickup truck without buckling his seat belt would be no big deal, even with a NATO secretary general at his side.

Such conduct is not even technically illegal in Texas, as it would be in public, since he was on private property.

But President Bush is supposed to set a good example for public behavior — though he hasn't done so lately in his major policy and personnel choices. What he demonstrated was poor judgment, which, sadly, we have come to expect of him on many levels.

His timing was awful. Television cameras spotted Bush shortly before New Jersey Gov. Jon Corzine aired a moving television commercial on behalf of a National Highway Traffic Safety Administration campaign.
---
Unfortunately, this pattern exists in agencies throughout his administration. Seat belts aren't the half of it. And, alarmingly, indifference to the niceties of the law runs from the top down, not the reverse.

The individual "bad apple" defense the president sometimes used to excuse corruption has long been discredited. The systematic dismantling of federal rules to hold industries to responsible standards has been replaced with "voluntary self-regulation" that has resulted in inadequate food and drug safety oversight, among other problems.

Partisan purity in the pursuit of creating a permanent Republican majority has trumped common sense, scientific fact and professional merit.
---
The General Services Administration, not a glamorous agency, controls billions in federal contracts to private companies. According to participants, its chief Lurita Doan urged employees to "help our candidates" after a political presentation by a Rove deputy listing vulnerable Democrats and desirable Republicans. She denies this and has joined the Bush weak memory club, but the U.S. Office of Special Counsel has found that she violated the Hatch Act.

And it goes on. President Bush recently nominated an industry lobbyist to be head of the Consumer Product Safety Commission, but the immediate outcry caused him to withdraw his name this week. He had actively lobbied on behalf of corporations who had run up big civil fines for violating the commission's safety rules.

Does Bush have no shame or sense of civic responsibility? Is this pattern just a desire to keep the corporate funds flowing into Republican coffers by selling out the government and the American people? Guess which!

Means is a Washington, D.C.-based columnist for the Hearst Newspapers. means@hearstdc.com
===============
That's about half the article. I like her style. She's looking good to get the mantle passed down from Helen Thomas when she no longer works.

Carey said...

Very funny stuff. Den, could you please send me the link for those cartoons? I'd love to send them to family and friends.

Yeah, Micki, Bush on global warming. Diiiisgusting. My stomach is already upset enough.
Bush follows in his mother's footsteps. They should be awarded the prize for most insensitive and selfish.

Alan--another interesting article. You can pick 'em.

Randi Rhodes said the other day (I think she was quoting a study but I can't be sure if it was joke) that Bush Jr. has the lowest I.Q. of any president, then Reagan, then Bush Sr. I don't put a whole lot of credence in I.Q. tests but that sure sounds like it could be true!

Carey said...

I heard Thom Hartmann say the other day that the 2006 election results are why Cheney & Co. have not been able to start up the invasion in Iran. Then just today the head of the IAEA, El Baradi (you know who I mean, can't spell it) said the U.S. rhetoric on Iran was way out-of-line. I really don't think it is ever going to happen now. The open window for an invasion has passed. thank God.

ò¿óarol said...

Published June 1, 2007
[ From LSJ.com ]

FDA: Toss toothpaste made in China
Midday update

Kevin Freking
Associated Press


WASHINGTON
- The government is warning consumers to avoid using toothpaste labeled as made in China because it may contain a poisonous chemical used in antifreeze.

Out of caution, the Food and Drug Administration said today, people should throw away toothpaste with that labeling. FDA is concerned these products may contain diethylene glycol.

The agency is not aware of any reports in the United States of poisoning from toothpaste, but it did find the antifreeze ingredient in a shipment at the U.S. border and at an unidentified retail store.

ò¿óarol said...


Minn. traffic stop yields more than a ton of pot, 20 tons of candy


Just when you thought you wouldn't read one more dumb thing this evening, Carol, you read one more dumb thing.

""I initially thought about how we could give that away to kids forever and ever. But I couldn't take the risk," he said. "Even though they were in cellophane and they're boxed, that package has been sitting somewhere for a month with a ton and a half of marijuana next to it."

Pray tell, what the hell could happen? It wasn't gd arsenic! People are so frickin' dumb.

All I can say is that no one should eat the candy....BECAUSE IT'S CANDY!