Friday, August 17, 2007

Friday Funnies








Thanks Alan! Try and stay dry.

.

37 comments:

DEN said...

"Last night President Bush did not call Barry Bonds after he broke Hank Aaron's homerun record, but today, Bush decided to make the call. Bush said, 'I realized I had a rare opportunity to talk to the only guy in the country who is less popular than I am.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Latest on the campaign: It was reported that things are going so badly for Sen John McCain, McCain has to carry his own luggage. Meanwhile, things are going so badly for Dennis Kucinich’s campaign, he has to carry Barack Obama’s luggage." --Conan O'Brien

"Elizabeth Edwards is speaking out again. She's a little upset. She said the problem with her husband John Edwards' fundraising -- you know, compared to the other candidates -- is she can't make him black and she can't make him a woman. That's the same problem Michael Jackson's people have." –Jay Leno

"The presidential race heating up slowly over the last nine years. ... Potential Republican candidate -- he hasn't declared yet, but a lot of people think he's going to run -- Fred Thompson is now busy defending his much younger wife. In a recent interview, Senator Fred Thompson said that all criticism of his wife should be directed at him. As a result, conservative groups told Thompson he's been showing too much cleavage." --Conan O'Brien

"Anybody watch the Republican candidates debate this weekend? ... The last time I saw that many white guys arguing was the last Republican debate" --Jay Leno

"Actor Sean Penn is currently touring Venezuela with President Hugo Chavez. Penn said that between listening to Chavez attack President Bush and calling us the Great Satan, it was like being back in Malibu." --Jay Leno

"Congratulations to Matt Damon. His movie, 'The Bourne Ultimatum,' had the biggest movie opening ever for the month of August. It made $70 million. Today, Senator John McCain asked Matt Damon to be his running mate." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday at Camp David, President Bush signed a bill into law that expands his wiretapping powers. President Bush said he knew the bill would pass because he had bugs planted in both houses of Congress." --Jay Leno

"Starting today, the New York Times reduced the size of their newspaper. They cut the paper's width by an inch and a half. The move was announced with the headline 'Big Changes At New York Tim.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The big story in Washington D.C. . . . not the war in Iraq, not Alberto Gonzales lying to Congress, not healthcare . . . the big story everyone is talking about, Hillary Clinton showing a little cleavage. It's amazing isn't it? The United States is 231 years old, but apparently the media is only 13." --Jay Leno

"Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama said today that he would not use nuclear weapons under any circumstances. I didn't realize his battle with Hillary had escalated to this level. I just thought there was a little friction.' --Jay Leno

DEN said...

"Hillary Clinton is upset right now with a columnist from the Washington Post's 'Fashion' section. The columnist pointed out that Hillary showed a little cleavage during a speech that she made on the Senate floor. ... Who'd have ever thought a controversy involving a Clinton and cleavage would be about Hillary?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"According to the Washington Post, Hillary Clinton has been showing a little cleavage out there on the campaign trail. People feel this is why her lead over Barack Obama has increased. ... But I think there's something to it. In fact, today, Barack Obama made a speech with a rolled up sock in his pants." –Jay Leno

"There's a new sex poll. ... According to researchers, there are 237 reasons why people have sex. ... For me, number two would be my credit card went through. A little farther down on the list, I happen to be in an elevator with Paris Hilton. ... Reason 237: something to do while my wife is running for president" –David Letterman

"Man, it was hot today. ... It was so hot today, Hillary spoke before the Senate topless. ... This is such a stupid story. The Washington Post has criticized Senator Hillary Clinton for showing cleavage while speaking in front of the Senate. See, that seems sexist to me. They've never gone after Senator Ted Kennedy for doing the exact same thing." --Jay Leno

"It seems the little tiff between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton has really heated up since their last argument at the last Democratic debate. They have become distant. They barely speak to each other now. When they do speak, it's really icy. As Hillary calls that, 'marriage.'" --Jay Leno

"Senator Hillary Clinton, down there in Washington, DC, appeared on the Senate floor wearing a pink blazer and a skimpy top. She looked so hot, Senator Ted Kennedy sent over a drink. ... She looked so hot, everyone thought she was Senator Vitter's date. ... She looked so hot, by mistake, Bill hit on her" --David Letterman

"More bad news today for John McCain. John McCain's media team has resigned. McCain says he intends to stay in the race, according to the campaign's new media spokesman ... John McCain" --Jay Leno

"The White House is now demanding Congress move quickly on a new treaty to allow more Arctic oil drilling, 'cause they say the melting polar ice caps means more oil is easily available. See, this combines the two things the administration loves -- global warming and drilling for oil." –Jay Leno

"Rupert Murdoch -- he's from Australia, billionaire -- now owns two United States newspapers, Fox network, National Geographic magazine, MySpace. I'm thinking, 'Why can't we build a fence to keep this guy out?'" –David Letterman

DEN said...

Mark Fiore

micki said...

What's so funny? ;-)

micki said...

AUDIO CLIP: Rove and Rush turn bush into a down-to-earth, intelligent, well-read leader of the free world

This audio clip is proof positive that General Rove's resignation signals his new role as the unfettered, unrestrained MOUTH ORGAN for "Professor" Bush's legacy and to turn ANYTHING positive about Democratic presidential candidates into a negative.

We ain't seen nuthin' yet from this master manipulator.

Dirty politics has just gotten filthier.

DEN said...

Hey! Thats NOT funny!

Rather disgusting actually.

micki said...

This newest Orwellian claim that bush is a voracious reader and a "man of letters" is one of the biggest howlers that General Rove has foisted on the sheeple!

But, it's scary, too. Will people fall for this BS hook, line and stinker?

micki said...

bush alledgedly reads books at about the same clip as the number of executions in approved as Texas gov.

Gawd. Those SOBs make me sick.

I have to find something funny....

micki said...

oops...he approved

micki said...

Comedian Spike Milligan was the author of the world's funniest joke, a psychology professor has claimed.

micki said...

I suppose it was a good thing that Deadeye Dick didn't call 911 when he shot Harry Whittington in the face.

Alan said...

The newspaper and the TV news claimed we're gonna get another 6" of rain today, but so far it's just sunshiny and HOT. I guess it'll wait till I'm at work (I have an outside 'project' every Friday) to come pouring down.
*shrug*

micki said...

When it rains, it pours.

Thanks for the update, Alan!

Alan said...

I'm sure y'all heard about this in the last couple of days, but just in case...

With 99 deaths, Army suicide rate hits 26-year high

Article says a third of 'em happened 'in country' (Iraq or Afghanistan), but it also says "Failed personal relationships, legal and financial problems and the stress of their jobs were factors motivating the soldiers to commit suicide..." of which deployment and REPEATED deployments were the causes.

Hajji said...

Alan,

Jill just called from Ft Worth (delivering Katie to her fiance') to say that compared to our past week of 100+ degree daze it wasn't even too hot to be outside there.

I've got 4 dogs, 2 goats and a donkey taking turns in the kiddie pool!

-T

Alan said...

Jill just called from Ft Worth...

It gets pretty hot there, and in Dallas, but they don't have our humidity, which makes the temperature alot worse. Our 102 temps felt like (heat index) 110 and 112. But the rain came with cooler temps... like 94 or there-abouts.
I'm fissin' to get out in it without an official NASA space suit. How dumb is that?!!

Hajji said...

Ffolks,

I have been invited to attend a meeting with the Obama campaign's regional field director, Peachy Myers, here in Pickens on Tuesday evening.

Even though I've openly voiced my concerns with some of Obama's statements and stances, they still want to talk to me.

I'm inviting all here to communicate their concerns/questions to me @ thajji64@hotmail.com or on these forums for me to cut and paste from.

I'll see what kind of "meeting" this is and get whatever answers and responses to as many concerns as I can.

I feel like I've taken a long time off, since Spanky got home, from commenting and contributing and conversing. (lurking, though, always lurking!) It has been a joy to vacation and hang out with "the Kids" and to experience the amazingness of the mundane.

Trips to NC's outer banks and then to the Florida Keys have helped to refresh and renew something in me. I feel I'm ready to get involved again.

I look forward to ALL your questions/remarks!

-T

Hajji said...

Alan,


-How dumb is that?!!

Pretty frickin'!

I'm off to see "The Simpsons' Movie!" jug of cold Pinot and a bucket of Popcorn sound like just the thing for a 102 degree day. (105 one day last week!)

-T

David B. Benson said...

Next rat leaves sinking ship.

Its a lab rat becuase it is snow-white.

:-)

Hajji said...

Benson,

Between the lines Snow says...

I can make more money by schilling for this (mal)administration than from the inside...

Call it Rupert Murdoch affirmative action plan!

-T

ยบ¿carol said...

I don't believe it's possible for Bush to have read all those books. Bull. You have to sit on your ass in perfect quiet, nothing else to do, to read a book. He has a job! Even if it's only appearing in public constantly for photos.

I don't want to sit around reading a book when I can listen to it. That way I can weed, cook, clean, drive and water while listening. I listened to 78 books last year. How could he have READ more than I listened to?!?!? He's lying.

If he DID read as many as I listened to then he needs to get a job. :)

David B. Benson said...

Arctic Sea ice at all-time record minimum.

With about another month to go...

micki said...

Dr. B - Are you attending the National Lentil Festival? (Is is possible to brew beer from lentils?)

I just heard that Arctic Sea ice story on All Things Considered.

Not looking good...

Carol -- here are a few of books bush allegedly has read for his personal edification and self-improvement:

Kai Bird and Martin J. Sherwin -- "American Prometheus: The Triumph and Tragedy of J. Robert Oppenheimer"

Leigh Montville -- "The Big Bam: The Lives and Times of Babe Ruth"

Richard Carwardine -- "Lincoln: A Life of Purpose and Power"

David Oshinsky --"Polio: An American Story"

Sheesh! I feel like such a slacker next to that Renaissance Man!

micki said...

...and has Rove & Rush remind us, he read them WHILE he was leader of the free world!

micki said...

Satellite images -- also check out the latest images of Flossie, Peru, etc.

This shows Arctic Sea in 1979 and 2003....much worse in August, 2007, according to today's report.

micki said...

Another Arctic Sea photo, 2005

micki said...

Jeez, Alan...

From the ABC News site: If you wish they'd patched that spot, and the the idea of waiting until Wednesday's scheduled landing makes you uneasy, then keep an eye on Hurricane Dean. NASA's concerned that the storm may be threatening Houston by then, forcing controllers to evacuate, so it's floating the option of bringing the shuttle home on Tuesday.

David B. Benson said...

No.

Yes, it is possible to brew from lentils. I'm not sure the result ought to be called beer, tho'...

Hajji said...

Benson,

It is thought that "Beer" was originally created by airborne yeast that landed in porridge that had been left unattended by VERY early humans.

Lentils have been a part of the human diet since humans have been dieting.

One wonders if honey-, barley-, wheat- and other beers didn't have precursors in the legume fields.

Drinkin' beer...burpin'...fartin'...seems pretty reasonable to me!

-Urp!

-T

David B. Benson said...

Well, honey beer is called mead and I certainly have enjoyed it.

Never tried lentil beer, whatever it should be called...

Hajji said...

Ancient Egyptian Alcohol

________________

Beer, called hqt by the ancients and zythus by the Greeks, was a very important Egyptian drink. It was a drink for adults and children alike. It was the staple drink of the poor (wages were sometimes paid in beer), it was a drink of the rich and wealthy, and a drink offered to the gods and placed in the tombs of the dead.

Beer in the morning, beer in the afternoon and beer at night. A little wine thrown in for good measure. And after a hard day of cutting stones for the pharaoh, time and energy left for a bit of hanky-panky.

-- Out on the Tiles with Pyramid Workers, Melbourne Herald-Sun, 7th June 1993

Workmen at the pyramids of the Giza Plateau were given beer, thrice daily - five kinds of beer and four kinds of wine were found by archaeologists "poking through dumps, examining skeletons, probing texts and studying remains of beer jars, and wine vats" at Giza.

In 1990, the Egyptian Exploration Society approached Scottish and Newcastle Breweries for help. This was the beginning of a partnership which, over the past five years, has considerably increased the understanding of the brewing process as it was at the time of Tutankhamen.

Beer was depicted on the walls of the tombs, as were scenes of the ancient Egyptian brewery. It was probably very similar to the way beer is still produced in Sudan today. Traditionally, beer was regarded as a female activity as it was an off-shoot of bread making - the basis of the beer were loaves of specially made bread.

Most likely, the beer was not very intoxicating, nutritious, sweet, without bubbles, and thick (the beer had to be strained with wooden syphons, used as a straw, because it was filled with impurities). Though the later Greek accounts suggest that the beer, instead, was as intoxicating as the strongest wine, and it is clear that the worshipers of Bast, Sekhmet and Hathor got drunk on beer as part of their worship of these goddesses, because of their aspect of the Eye of Ra. Tenenit was another ancient Egyptian goddess of beer.

Broadly speaking, the established view of ancient Egyptian brewing, drawn from tomb scenes, is as follows. Beer loaves were made from a richly yeasted dough. Malt may or may not have been used. This dough was lightly baked and the resulting bread was crumbled and strained through a sieve with water. Ingredients like dates or extra yeast might have been added. The dissolved mixture was fermented in large vats and then the liquid was decanted into jars which were sealed for storage or transport.
_________________

History come to life!

-T

Hajji said...

EGYPTIAN BEER EXPERIMENT
_________________

Step the second:

2 gallons of water
One small bottle of "Beano", an anti-flatulence enzyme available from
most vegetarian grocery stores. For better or worse, Beano was
unavailable to the ancient Egyptians, who according to other ancient
authors suffered frequently from intestinal gas.


___________

hmmmmm?

-T

micki said...

Canada is the largest export producer of lentils in the world and Saskatchewan is the most important producing region in Canada. Eastern Washington, especially the Palouse Region, is the most important producing region in the United States.

micki said...

I don't know anything about what makes a good beer, but I do know that my grandma's dandelion wine (that requires yeast floating on a piece of toast in the fermentation phase) is fantastic!

DEN said...

I like it:

"It was the staple drink of the poor (wages were sometimes paid in beer)"

Beer is food,

Dinner in a bottle,

Thanks Hajji, cool info!

DEN said...

Up dere in Nort Mineesota, lots of beers were used to rinse the pipes, mine and the citys.

DEN said...

toodles