Friday, October 26, 2007

FRIDAY FUNNIES





11 comments:

DEN said...

"Candidates out there campaigning very hard. Everyone's trying a different angle right now to get the lead. Presidential candidate John McCain has been taking his 95-year-old mother along with him on his campaign bus. None of the other candidates are traveling with their mothers, but Bill Clinton is traveling with several MILFs." --Conan O'Brien

"Good news for the terrorists: Undercover agents posing as passengers were able to get simulated bombs through the screening process here at LAX 75% of the time ... but not one drop of shampoo." --Bill Maher

"The Turkish Parliament has voted to approve the idea of invading Iraq. President Bush was furious. He said, 'What kind of country takes a vote before it invades Iraq?'" --Bill Maher

"He met the Dalai Lama this week. I'm not sure that he really understands what being a Lama means, because all of his questions were about what it's like to live in Michael Jackson's zoo." --Bill Maher

"How many arch conservatives are here tonight? Sam Brownback has quit the race for president. His supporter is devastated. ... Brownback said he couldn't raise enough money, he couldn't get enough support, and he got tired of carrying around that fetus in a jar. ... He said he knew he made the right decision to get out of the race when he sat down to tell his wife and she said, 'You're running for president?'" --Bill Maher

"Two of the defendants in the Jena 6 case ... were guests last night at the BET Hip Hop awards. Wow, that's pretty good for teenage kids, right? They said if they had known they'd be getting this much attention, they would have beat the crap out of a white kid a long time ago." --Bill Maher

"More bad news today for Barack Obama. He just found out he's related to Bill O'Reilly too. The guy can't get a break!" --Jay Leno

"Screeners at the L.A. International Airport missed 75% of the fake bombs that were sent though the line. However, they did confiscate 100% of people's water bottles" --Jay Leno

"Congratulations to Al Gore for winning the Nobel Peace Prize. I thought this was sad: Al had the Nobel Peace Prize for less than a week and O.J. broke in and stole it." --David Letterman

"He's won an Academy award, he's won an Emmy award, and now he's won a Nobel prize. Honestly, I think it's going to his head. Listen to what happened over the weekend: Al Gore was in a bar screaming, 'Who wants a Nobel prize piece of ass?'" --David Letterman

DEN said...

"What a terrific audience we have. We have 500 people here tonight. We have straight people, we have gay people, we have white people, we have black people. It's like a Dick Cheney family reunion." --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney and Barack Obama ... are eighth cousins. Isn't that amazing? Even more amazing, Dick Cheney, Darth Vader -- second cousins." --Jay Leno

"President Bush met with the Dalai Lama at the White House. One kind of awkward moment. ... When the Dalai Lama walked into the Oval Office, he was wearing the traditional robe, and, of course, Bush started chanting, 'Toga, Toga!'" --Jay Leno

"He was given the Medal of Freedom. As you know, the Dalai Lama does not engage in sex, drugs, alcohol, or tobacco. Which raises the question, what was Congress honoring him for? This goes against everything Congress represents." --Jay Leno

"The Dalai Lama told President Bush that he had seen evil firsthand. President Bush said, 'Great, you got to meet Vice President Cheney.'" --Jay Leno

"Republican Senator Sam Brownback's campaign announced he will drop out of the presidential race tomorrow. ... Now the hard part, of course, is breaking the news to his supporter. ... I mean, the writing was on the wall. You knew it was going to happen. Like at the last presidential debate, the only question he got was, 'I'm sorry. What's your name again?'" --Jay Leno

"A very special edition of 'Dateline' the other night. Matt Lauer interviewed Idaho Senator Larry Craig. Actually, the senator was a little confused. He thought it was 'Win A Date with Matt Lauer.' The senator showed up with flowers, condoms, a six pack of Mike's Hard Lemonade. He was there to party. ... If you didn't see the interview, it will rerun on Bravo on 'Queer Eye For Pretending To Be The Straight Guy.'" --Jay Leno

"There was one kind of awkward moment during the interview. During a commercial break, I guess Matt Lauer asked the senator where the bathroom was, and the senator said, 'Any place you want it to be.'" --Jay Leno

"According to a new report, security screeners at our nation's airports -- this is scary -- failed to find fake bombs hidden on undercover agents 60% of the time. ... President Bush said today, 'Well, who cares about fake bombs?'" --Jay Leno

"Some sad news. France's new president, Nicolas Sarkozy -- he and his wife have separated. The rumor is that he stayed in the marriage for political gain and had planned to get a divorce right after being elected president. To which Hillary Clinton said, 'So?'" --Jay Leno

"Remember 20 years ago, 'Baby Jessica'? She was the little baby who was rescued after falling in a well. Huge story. She's almost 21 now and will soon be getting a million dollars from the funds set up with donations when she fell down the well. She's getting a million dollars. In a related story, earlier today, Senator John McCain threw himself down a well" --Jay Leno

"During a speech at the Capitol yesterday, the Dalai Lama admitted that his English language skills equal those of a kindergartner's. When he heard this, President Bush said, 'No one likes a show-off.'" --Conan O'Brien

"This week, the U.S. Army removed several recruiting ads from a web site because the web site targets homosexual men. The ad said, 'Uncle Sam Wants You ... Bad.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier this week, Vice President Cheney's wife said that Vice President Cheney is actually a distant cousin of Barack Obama. At first Obama was skeptical, then he remembered that his great-great-grandmother once had a demon out of wedlock." --Conan O'Brien

"Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich caused some trouble this week, because he was campaigning in Red Sox territory while wearing a Cleveland Indians hat. Apparently, somebody walked up to Kucinich's wife and said, 'Tell your son to take off that baseball hat.'" --Conan O'Brien

"It turns out that Barack Obama and Vice President Dick Cheney are cousins. Honest to God, imagine how terrible it would be to find out that you're related to a cranky old guy. I mean, just ask my son." --David Letterman

"Lynne Cheney, Dick Cheney's wife, is getting all wound up. She says that she would be uncomfortable with Hillary Clinton running the country. Lynne is uncomfortable with Hillary. Bill said, 'Join the club.'" --David Letterman

"There's a woman who's got an apartment here in New York, in Brooklyn. She goes to the bathroom and there is a 7-foot python in the toilet. It's just coiled up. A giant killer snake in the toilet. I was thinking, usually when you find something coiling around your leg in a restroom, it's Senator Larry Craig" --David Letterman

"With tensions multiplying worldwide, the upmost delicacy is called for in today's dangerous world. The weary leader must observe the smallest cultural nuances, choose words with expert care, or you could just go with passive aggression [on screen: Pres. Bush saying, 'We've got a leader in Iran who has announced that he wants to destroy Israel. If you're interested in avoiding World War III, it seems like you ought to be interested in preventing them from having the knowledge necessary to make a nuclear weapon']. 'I guess what I'm saying is this, you either agree with my position, or you're looking to have a thermonuclear reaction bake your shadow instantly into the sidewalk. But hey, that's your opinion and ain't it great we invaded Iraq for your right to have it?'" --Jon Stewart

DEN said...

Change your logo by Mark Fiore.

Gerald said...

Say no to war!

Gerald said...

Wellstone’s Voice Sadly Missed in a Spineless Congress
by Marshall Helmberger

Five years ago this week, the plane carrying Paul Wellstone and his wife Sheila, their daughter Marcia, and campaign workers crashed on the Iron Range. I can�t help but wonder how the past five years might have been different in Washington if Paul were still there representing the principles he so proudly upheld.

While Washington has long been influenced by special interests, pundits, and political winds, Paul Wellstone was rarely, if ever, influenced by them. He drew his political direction and spiritual strength from the average people he knew and met as a teacher, a community organizer and ultimately, as a senator.

I was with him one time when the representative of a large corporation requested special consideration on an issue likely to come before the Senate. Wellstone listened politely, but told him he wasn�t sure it was in the public interest. As he often said, the big corporations have plenty of senators and congressmen that represent them just fine in Washingon. Paul saw himself as the senator who stood up and fought for the rest of us.

One longtime DFLer, Jack Nelson-Pallemeyer, who is currently running to take back Wellstone�s seat, likes to say that Wellstone had a bad back but a strong political spine. Indeed, there have been few senators in Washington who were more willing to buck the political tides than Paul Wellstone. He demonstrated that more clearly than ever when he voted against giving President Bush authorization to go to war in Iraq� just days before the election. It was the last significant vote of his career and, fittingly, it was the clearest possible demonstration of unequaled political courage. He was the only U.S. Senator seeking re-election that year to vote no to the Iraq war� and he did so at a time when President Bush was still riding high in the polls in the wake of Sept. 11. Wellstone knew his vote might cost him votes in a close election, but he also knew that staying true to himself and his conscience was more important than that.

How different he was from most of the current crop of Democrats in Washington, who seem to view political power as an end in itself, rather than a means to the ultimate goal of building a better America. Paul Wellstone understood that power was hollow unless lawmakers were willing to use it for good.

Despite Democratic majorities in Congress, we see a political agenda that is still largely set by the Bush White House, with Democrats offering only the meekest resistance to the administration�s unprecedented secrecy and abuses of power. The Democrats calculate the politics and plead helplessness as the U.S. occupation of Iraq now threatens to drag on for years, if not decades to come. Paul Wellstone never settled for helplessness, and I can�t help but think that the arguments might be different in Washington if Paul were still there.

You don�t find many politicians like Paul Wellstone, in part because he never really started out to be one. His passion was teaching, and his lesson was one of empowerment. He knew that powerful interests would undermine the public good, unless average people knew how to organize to challenge that power� and that�s what he worked to teach, both in the classroom and through hands-on training. For him, being senator wasn�t about ego or money, it was about continuing his mission of empowering average people. Ultimately, Wellstone�s message was an intensely hopeful one.

I think for many who appreciated Wellstone, much of their hope disappeared on that awful day five years ago. But his legacy isn�t gone. It lives on in organizations like Wellstone Action, which provide political organizing skills to people around the country. The political organizing camps sponsored by Wellstone Action have produced many alumni who have gone on win political office, run campaigns, or achieve real progress by organizing in their own communities.

Even five years after his death, Wellstone is still an inspiration to many who believe America can again be a place that truly values liberty and justice for all.

–Marshall Helmberger

Carey said...

We lost our phone landline for a day or so. With that the DSL.

We still shouldn't go outside or do anything strenuous. The air is thick, grimy, you can feel it, with toxic particles. It'll take a few days and we have fires still raging. They take forever to burn out. People still being evacuated as of last night during the World Series. San Diego's TV kept sounding alarms. It's all so eerie.

People are outside, obviously, because they have to be. Of course, there's always the stupid ones out there jogging. You want to scream, "are you nuts?".

The kids are all doing wonderfully having been out of school all week. Still, they have to sit quiety and play video games and do art for the most part. And read!

Halloween not so fun this year for San Diego. We're kind of sick of being scared.

DEN said...

Carey, it is best if you stay indoors and away from all the particulate matter floating about outside.

Even dust on the sidewalks and streets gets kicked up with traffic.

Should use a respirator or dust mask specifically for dangerous dusts when venturing out to minimize asthma risk.

Buy the 20 pack box available at True Value and Ace. A good rain would clear the air once the smoke dies down a bit.

We deal with fires in the hills here too in summer, stinking smoke!

Alan said...

Carey, has San Dieogo'ans (ites?) decided what they're gonna do about the stadium yet? Are they kicking people to the curb so 'we' can play some football?
There's been talk of the Texans' game here instead of there, then maybe a neutral site in Arizona, and finally, in San Diego afterall. ??? It doesn't matter where, I think y'all will smear the field with our azz. haha

David B. Benson said...

UN say earth is sick:

Final Wake-up Call

Or is it taps?

ô,ôarol said...


MAKING “THE LIST” - - -
Friday, October 26, 2007 - - -
Posted by Jim Hightower


The “it” is the list, the annual Forbes magazine list of the 400 richest Americans. This is the ultimate social register, the measure of whether your wealth is really “wow”… or just common. Well, this year’s list has come out, and even being a billionaire no longer assures you of making the cut. In fact, being at the very bottom of the list, the 400th richest American, now requires $1.3 billion in wealth. This means that 82 certified American billionaires failed to qualify. How embarrassing is that? You can practically feel their pain, can’t you?

ô,ôarol said...


Richard Mellon Scaife - BuzzFlash Hypocrite of the Week


For some reason I can't HTML BuzzFlash. I don't think it's me since I just linked in my other post. Here's their URL

http://snipurl.com/1sruq

The effort to impeach Bill Clinton started before he was even formally elected. In the beginning, even before the disproven Whitewater accusations emerged, there was an orchestrated effort to make Clinton's personal sexual life a "criminal" issue.

Ironically, no one needed to spend a cent to find Scaife's dirty linen: it's all public knowledge as a result of the proceedings surrounding the second divorce of the wealthy scion.