Friday, January 25, 2008

Friday Funnies




42 comments:

DEN said...

Mark Fiore

DEN said...

"How about that Mitt Romney, huh? I mean, this guy looks like he'd be selling fruit dehydrators on cable. ... He looks like the guy who tells you how to buy real estate with no money down. ... He looks like a cosmetic surgeon who gets ambushed on '60 Minutes.' ... He looks like the photo that comes with the frame. ... By the way, if Mitt Romney is elected, he'll be the first president ever sworn in on a copy of GQ." --David Letterman

"A Nevada brothel is encouraging its customers to give their tips to the Ron Paul campaign. How did this endorsement deal slip by Bill Clinton? He must be getting old." --Jay Leno

"After that fight the other night between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton at the Democratic debates -- did you watch that? Well, John Edwards said he is proud to represent the grownup wing of the Democratic party. The grownup wing of the Democratic Party? No wonder he's in third place. Talk about a distant minority." --Jay Leno

"In South Carolina, former 'Law & Order' star Fred Thompson has dropped out of the presidential race. He also came in a distant third. Came in third! Which would be great if he was still on NBC. He'd be a hero. Hey, we'll take third place." --Jay Leno

"I was sad to see Fred Thompson drop out. I just hope this doesn't give his face that gloomy hang dog look." --Jay Leno

"It looks like Rudy Giuliani having a rough time in Florida. Man, I tell you, his early lead evaporated quicker than those wedding vows." --Jay Leno

"As if this field isn't crowded enough, Ralph Nader says he will decide in a month whether he'll run for president again. Ralph Nader. Hey, he's ready to go. Luckily, his suit is still unpressed from the last time" --Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden's son is now doing TV shows. He was on the 'Today' show the other day. Osama bin Laden's son. I'm almost too embarrassed to be on my own show. ... But this guy goes out and he's now saying his dad is very sorry for attacking the United States. Osama bin Laden's son is saying that about Osama bin Laden. He says, 'Dad is very sorry about that whole attack.' Well, that's good enough for me. ... But apparently -- and it's not hard to believe -- that this guy ... Omar bin Laden had a troubled childhood, a difficult past. When he was 17 -- and this is true, I looked it up -- when he was 17, he wrecked his dad's camel" --David Letterman

DEN said...

Michael and his wife live in Minnesota. One winter morning while listening to WCCO, they hear the announcer say, 'We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.

You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.'

Michael's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, 'We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.

You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through.'

Michael's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says,

'We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......',then the electric power goes out.

Michael's wife is very upset and, with a worried look on her face, she says, 'Honey, I don' know what to do.
Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?'

With the love and understanding in Michael's voice, like all the men who are married to blondes exhibit,
Michael says, 'Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time.

DEN said...

"Now there is a new biography of President Bush out, have you heard this? Where it says the president cries a lot. The president said, 'I do tears.' So lets see, he's impulsive, he's stubborn, he's weepy. Sorry Hillary, apparently we already have our first female president." --Bill Maher

Yesterday in Australia, a TV comedian dressed himself up over there as Osama Bin Laden and got within feet of Bush's hotel. They got him, and the Bush spokesman said it was obviously not the real Bin Laden because they caught him." --Bill Maher

"President Bush has embarrassed himself and the nation in Australia today. I don't know if you know this, he was at the APEC convention ... he said it was OPEC. Then he referred to the Australians as the Austrians, and then he almost walked off the edge of the stage and killed himself. He was going to step on a rake and have it hit him on the head, but he was saving that for the French, he said." --Bill Maher "I heard something interesting today. After he leaves office, George W. Bush is going to start a think tank. That's right, it's like Michael Vick opening an animal shelter. Yeah, the George Bush think tank: it only has a shallow end." --David Letterman

"How about that President Bush, he makes that surprise trip to Iraq. Was pretty impressive don't you think? He spent a few quick hours visiting with the troops, and then he left. You know, it was just like his days in the National Guard." --David Letterman

"Things not looking good for President Bush. His approval rating has dropped so low the only thing he's above now is the law." --Jay Leno

"A report card on Iraq shows progress on only eight of 18 areas. Eight out of 18. And, of course, President Bush is thrilled. That's the best report card he's ever got in his life." --Jay Leno

"This week, President Bush announced he's launching a new campaign to solve the conflict between the Israelis and the Palestinians. When asked why, Bush said, 'It's fun to finally be working on a problem that I didn't cause.'" --Conan O'Brien

micki said...

How about that Mitt Romney, huh? I mean, this guy looks like he'd be selling fruit dehydrators on cable. ... He looks like the guy who tells you how to buy real estate with no money down. ... He looks like a cosmetic surgeon who gets ambushed on '60 Minutes.' ... He looks like the photo that comes with the frame.

Den -- that's him! LOL!

micki said...

I'll be the first to admit, Hajji, I don't always understand what your point is. You'd probably say the same about me.

In the explanatory portion of the newest Zogby poll (in which I put little stock), John Zogby said:

“Much has been made of the racial make-up of the South Carolina Democratic primary because it is split nearly 50-50 between whites and African-Americans. Among African-Americans, Obama holds a big 63% to 15% over Clinton, with 18% undecided. Edwards wins no support from African-Americans. Among whites, Clinton and Edwards are tied, with Obama well behind.

DEN said...

You know, Edwards would probably do better if he could talk without the constant eyelid fluttering. Claire Shipman used to talk and blink wildly but she has had some sort of therapy to slow it down.

People like you to look them straight in the eye and the blinking is distracting and reminds me of my kids when they would lie to try to save their butts.

micki said...

Den -- maybe presidential candidates should never be seen, but only heard?

micki said...

Now, we MIGHT have a showdown? (FISA)

DEN said...

Nervous ticks can be overcome like stuttering, just wish he would get busy and do that, to me he is hard to watch and I am probably not the only one that notices.

He is the wisest of all the big three refusing to get roped into attack crap.

DEN said...

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — A teenage passenger was detained after a Southwest Airlines flight from Los Angeles landed in Nashville, an airline spokeswoman said Thursday.

Nashville television stations, citing unnamed sources, said the teen unsuccessfully tried to hijack the plane to Lafayette, La., and crash it into a building where a "Hannah Montana" concert was to be performed.

Southwest Airlines spokeswoman Brandy King said the passenger was removed from Flight 284 Tuesday night by authorities at Nashville International Airport. She declined to provide additional details.

Airport spokeswoman Emily Richard confirmed there was an incident, but could not provide more information because the passenger was a minor. The teen was not identified.

WSMV and WTVF in Nashville reported the teenager boarded the plane in possession of handcuffs, rope and duct tape with intentions to hijack the plane.
.................................
What did she do to him? DOUBLE DUH!

micki said...

It was Dr. B who reminded me once when I said hope springs eternal, he said then comes the fall. Likely he was having a bit of fun...but there is truth in that when hope is built on sand, and not substance.

I'm all about hope -- most sentient beings "hope" that their wishes will be fulfilled, or at least partially met, if they're realistic.

I'm reminded, though, of the talks at Bali on the climate crisis -- and all that hope talk that the "Bali roadmap" will be an opportunity to negotiate, even with a heightened sense of urgency, once "things change." (Like getting rid of Bush.)

The outcome from Bali, though, was that there's a consensus that participants "hope" to seek an agreement -- but not yet. Later. When things change. (What comes first the chicken or the egg, the hope or the change?)

The "hope" from Bali and Obama's message of hope are uplifting, but they are pathetically vague. When Obama starts talking specifics about how he'll change things, rather than focusing on that elusive "hope" message, then I will begin to think that he might be able to deliver. (The reality is that the three frontrunners are close on many important issues -- but Edwards and Clinton are more specific on how they'd implement policy on those issues, and Edwards and Clinton are better on climate issues, and Obama's approach to healthcare is not as inclusive as theirs.)

So, I hope that if Obama gets the nomination, he'll level with us on how he hopes to bring about the change on which he's built his campaign, to date. Intangibles just don't cut it for me.

You can take it to the bank...if Obama gets the nomination and doesn't give the electorate a clear idea on how he'll lead us out of this mess, we'll be looking at another GOPer in the White House on January 20, 2009.

DEN said...

Geez, you coulda went all day without saying that!

No Rethugs! Lalalalalalalala! did not see that, lalalalalalala!

DEN said...

The point is really can a MINORITY win? I tend to think we should not be doing minorities right now just for the simple reason it reduces the chance of winning hands down, I don't like taking chances with creeping fascism moving in like a weed.

David B. Benson said...

creeping fascism == kudzu

Carey said...

Oh gee, that's what it is Den, the Edwards' eye-fluttering. How astute, I knew something was slightly bothering me when I watched him.

Love The Romney joke. What a little turdish person. That stupid squareish jaw just juts out like a cartoon. God, sometimes I can't even look at him. You get so sick of certain people.

Carey said...

Do you know I'm still waiting on the police?

...I don't like taking chances with creeping fascism moving in like a weed.

Well put.

Same with Clinton's chances. We're still in our hearts and minds the fifties' white male America. This is our symbolic cognitive reecognition of ourselves. That's the image projected on TV, so it be reality to most.

Carey said...

The FISA situation is interesting. Thank you for that, Micki. I heard it quickly reported last night and couldn't figure out what the deal was. Or why it was suddenly important.

Carey said...

creeping fascism == kudzu

What's kudzu again?

DEN said...

Carey, go here for the lowdown on Kudzu.

Carey said...

This is not the article everyone's talking about by Robert Reich. I gather he's written a slight rebuke of Bill Clinton.

Even though we basically know this, it's always good to hear it from one of the masters of economcs. Especially when manipulative drivel is so omnipresent.

The Politics of an Economic Nightmare

As a practical matter, our only real hope for avoiding a deep recession or worse depends on loans and investments from abroad -- some major U.S. financial firms have already gotten key cash infusions from foreign governments buying stakes in them -- combined with export earnings as the dollar continues to weaken. But this is something no politician wants to admit, especially in an election year. So we're going to go through weeks of posturing about stimulus packages of one sort or another, and then see enacted the big fat bonanza of a temporary tax break that will likely have little effect. That, perhaps along with a few more rate cuts by the Fed. The presidential candidates will be asked what should be done about the worsening economy, and they'll give vague answers. None will likely admit the truth: We're going to need the rest of the world to bail us out.

Carey said...

Yes, I had momentarily forgotten about the vine.

DEN said...

Robert Reich's blog"

David B. Benson said...

TNYT editorial today favors Rodham and McCain. WIth regard to the Demorats, they editorialize that Edwards has changed his position on so many things so many times that they did not know what his actual position was.

If this is verified, I might just hold my nose, hope for the best, and not vote in the Demorat primary (if their is a Green primary).

David B. Benson said...

Another eco-catastrophy:

Mighty Mississippi chokes on CO2

(I didn't know about this, just the nitrogen run-offf.)

micki said...

What are they waiting for? Encourage reporters to focus on global warming -- from League of Conservation Voters

Some of the candidates bring it up, but their remarks are ignored.

carey said...

I stepped in shit today as I picked birthday flowers.





A golden metaphor.

Gerald said...

A Hatchet Job

Dear Posters:

Americans have a habit to forget. When Hillary was beating Edwards and Obama by 15 to 20 points, Obama started a hatchet job on Hillary. Nothing was said because to fault a black person for dirty tricks would be politically incorrect. Obama’s tactics were hushed up by the media. From Obama Edwards sent his attack dog, his wife, to do a hatchet job. Edwards now claims to be the adult with the in-fighting among the candidates.

Bill Clinton in defending his wife is fine with me. Obama is having an easy time as of now because he speaks in platitudes and he does not discuss his policies. Praising Reagan is pandering and it is a tactic to gain some support of Nazi operatives.

Edwards is saying something about his policies but he avoids how his policies will be adopted. I am tired of people running for the presidency and making many promises but once they are elected, all good intentions are thrown out the window. Every four years candidates from the Nazi Party talk about abortion and upon being elected the issue of abortion is placed back in the closet.

Hillary is the best candidate of all the candidates of both parties. McCain is riding the Big Mo (momentum) now but we should not forget his song, “BOMB, BOMB IRAN.” He is, too much, of a screwball like Hitler Bush to be president.

Sincerely,
Gerald

micki said...

Go, Gerald!

Gerald said...

In Her Pain She Helped Others

Best-known for her role in the 1980’s sitcom Bosom Buddies, Wendie Jo Sperber was born to entertain. So when the comedic actress was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1997, she made the best of the life-threatening disease.

Dissatisfied with the institutional feel of support programs for cancer patients, Sperber created the “weSPARK CancerSupportCenter” in Sherman Oaks, California. It offers cancer patients everything from jewelry-making classes to holistic treatments, free. She personally organized fund-raising events such as celebrity golf tournaments and variety shows.

Although Wendy Jo Sperber lost her own battle with cancer in 2005, friends at the cancer support center insist her spirit will always be there – helping them help others.

Even difficult times can be made better by sharing our blessings with others.

Kindred and helpers are for a time of trouble. (Sirach 40:24)

Divine Physician, inspire researchers who are looking for the causes and cures for cancer.

David B. Benson said...

Out of electrical power in south Africa

So the Republic of South Africa has stopped providing power to its neighbors, gold and platinum mines are shut down...

And 2008 is only just beginning.

Gerald said...

The Nazis will have to steal the election

David B. Benson said...

Better link to South Africa's power crisis:

SA fumbles on through power chaos

Coming soon to a region near you?

Gerald said...

Even the GOP cannot ignore the effect that the war against Iraq has had on the US economy. But, as John Dean points out, business folk, normally considered the GOP base, are just as fed up with the war as are most other, normal Americans. No one can now deny the fact that the war against Iraq has very nearly defeated the US economy, now on the brink of economic collapse. Google the title: "Terrorism is always worse under GOP Regimes". That was originally my article and it would appear that it has gone "viral". I am grateful that those who have graciously published it on hundreds, if not thousands of blogs and other sites, are kind enough to link back to the original which is parked right here on this cowboy's ranch. Let us hope that another irrefutable truth goes viral: the Republican party is bad for a good economy!

Gerald said...

Yes, the Nazis would be bad for the economy. Hillary would be the best candidate to improve our economy. Bill Clinton's former economic strategists would be of help to Hillary. Bill Clinton will be sent to areas that were put on the back burner because the Nazis thought a BJ was offensive and they sought to have a mass murderer as president. Someone who lusted for the killing of women and children with the security moms and soccer moms as cheerleaders. Bill Clinton will work with many African countries to place these countries into the 21st century. Hillary and Bill will be good for America!!!

Gerald said...

Hillary is much like me. We love our spouses but absence does make the heart grow fonder.

Carey said...

Uhm, Gerald, I believe that absence and your heart's fondness thing, that applies to just about everyone.

Doesn't it, folks?

Carey said...

David,

ay, ay, ay.

Hajji said...

WOW!

Clemson Obama event exceeded all expectations.

Film at 11.

-T

DEN said...

GObama!?

micki said...

GObama!?

I wonder if this will help, or hurt, the University of Alabama in its fundraising and recruiting? They've been using gobama.org for quite some time.

Hajji said...

ROLL TIDE!!!

...or whatever...

Polls in 2 hrs...or so...

-T