Friday, February 29, 2008

Friday Funnies





19 comments:

DEN said...

Mark Fiore

DEN said...

"How about that Ralph Nader, ladies and gentlemen. He looks like the night manager of a creepy motel, doesn't he? ... He looks like a guy whose compound would be raided by ATF agents." --David Letterman

"How about that John McCain, huh? John McCain looks like the kind of guy who brags that his new denture adhesive allows him to eat corn on the cob. He looks like a guy who parks his RV overnight at Wal-Mart." --David Letterman

"But getting back to Ralph Nader. This guy looks like a guy out of UFO documentary. ... He looks like a guy at a gas station who gives you bad directions." --David Letterman

"How about John McCain? He looks like a guy at a restaurant that says I'm leaving 10%, that's good enough. John McCain, looks like the guy who goes to the curb for the paper and locks himself outside of the house." --David Letterman

"Have you seen Ralph Nader? He looks like a guy that says we have proof we never went to the moon. Ralph looks like a shady horse track doctor." --David Letterman

"John McCain, on the other hand. He looks like the guy that walks up to the mound to settle down a young pitcher. John McCain looks like the guy who picks up his TV remote when the phone rings." --David Letterman

"Ralph Nader, doesn't he look like the cranky guy at a hearing on the new traffic light? He looks like the guy who can't find his table after he goes to the salad bar." --David Letterman

"How about the Democratic debate last night? How many folks saw the debate in Ohio? Hillary Clinton now is trailing Barack Obama and she's very desperate. Have you noticed this? She's starting to be desperate. Today she accused Barack Obama of attending a party at Jose Canseco's house." --David Letterman

"But people are saying that Hillary Clinton, and I've noticed this, maybe you've noticed this, has a new personality every day of the campaign. For example, today she's Madam Lazonga. The carnival mind reader, Madam Lazonga." --David Letterman

"Bill Clinton's been getting in the way of Hillary's campaign. Can you believe that? She's really upset about it, so she's encouraged him to start dating again." --David Letterman

"Ladies and gentlemen, here is great news. Senator Larry Craig from Idaho ... is looking for interns. What parent doesn't want to hear, 'Well guess what, Dad, I got accepted into Larry Craig's intern program'? But if you're interested, Larry Craig is now accepting applications from interns. Just slide your resume under the stall." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton had yet another Democratic debate last night. This time it was in Ohio. The big winner, of course, Fox's 'American Idol.'" --Jay Leno

"This is their 20th debate. 20th, come on! I mean, Hillary hasn't been alone with Bill that many times." --Jay Leno

"In fact, they're saying this is the biggest thing to happen in Cleveland since -- ever, I guess." --Jay Leno

"No, Obama and Hillary argued last night over which candidate the Republicans are most afraid of. Interesting. I don't want to take sides here, but I think it's pretty obvious which candidate Republicans are most afraid of, John McCain." --Jay Leno

"And my favorite candidate, Ralph Nader, announced he's running for president! Oh, I love Ralph. You know, you can't get rid of him. Every election year he pops up. He's like the herpes of presidential candidates." --Jay Leno

"No, Nader says his reason for running is that he spent over 40 years as a consumer advocate. I think after 40 years of studying consumers' wants and needs, he'd realize consumers don't want or need him now" --Jay Leno

"And experts say Cuba's new communist leader, Raul Castro is more progressive than his brother, Fidel. In fact, in his acceptance speech, he pledged to lead Cuba into the year 1960." --Jay Leno

"Florida officials are still in a panic over yesterday's big power outage. You hear about that? A huge power outage. They were on the phone today with President Bush saying, 'We know it wasn't supposed to happen until Election Day. We don't what happened. It was premature.'" --Jay Leno

"Here's a story that is hard to believe. This is absolutely true. This is from the 'have you no shame?' department. You all know Senator Larry Craig, America's favorite restroom enthusiast, we call him. He announced he is taking applications for summer interns to work in his office. ... Isn't that unbelievable? Would you want that on your resume? 'I served under Larry Craig.' All interviews will be conducted in stall number three, I believe. You just wait and he'll push some papers under the door." --Jay Leno

"No, he says he wants interns to work in his office that have a solid work ethic, a knowledge of politics, and look good dressed as a construction worker." --Jay Leno

"First of all, good news for everybody, last night was the final Democratic debate. Which I'm excited about. ... I think there were 110 of those, but now they're over. ... I guess one of the big stories was that Barack Obama had a little bit of trouble last night. He is so smooth and he's so good, but last night he had a little trouble. Last night, during the debate, Barack Obama mispronounced the word 'Massachusetts' twice and then mispronounced the word 'filibuster.' Yeah, which explains why this morning, Obama was endorsed by President Bush." --Conan O'Brien

"I don't know if you have seen this. It's everywhere. They have a controversial photo of Barack Obama wearing a turban. It's been circulating on the Internet. Yeah, the turban photo should help Obama with a key group of voters, the New York taxi drivers." --Conan O'Brien

"Senator Larry Craig, who by the way, he's still around. Senator Larry Craig has announced that he's accepting applications for a summer internship. That's true. Applicants should be comfortable with Word, Excel, and gay sex in the men's room" --Conan O'Brien

"Last night in Cleveland, another debate between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. ... When it was all said and done, not much changed. Obama is still favored to get the nomination. I think he proved once and for all that he really does have what it takes to be president of these United States [on screen: Obama mispronouncing 'Massachusetts' twice]. See, he mispronounces things just like the real president does [on screen: Pres. Bush mispronouncing 'peninsula']." --Jimmy Kimmel

"And not only did Barack Obama show he can be president, he also showed that he has what it takes to be married to Nick Lachey [on screen: Jessica Simpson mispronouncing 'Massachusetts' in a variety of ways]. I miss her. I miss them together. I think she'd make a great secretary of state." --Jimmy Kimmel

"On the other side of the political fence, Senator Larry Craig of Idaho is in the news again. Not only has he not stepped down from his Senate seat after he plead guilty to disorderly conduct for playing footsie with an undercover police officer in an airport bathroom, but he's actually now looking for summer interns. He's looking for juniors and seniors in college from Idaho, have an interest in politics, and know how to keep their mouth shut. ... If you're interested, slip your resume under the third stall from the left in the men's room" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Last night we had ourselves a little bit of a debate there. ... Barack Obama would be facing the most dangerous Clinton of all -- the cornered, desperate behind-in-the-polls Clinton, with only the rules of civilized debate to protect him [on screen: NBC's Brian Williams saying, 'A quick review of the rules tonight. There really aren't any']. Oh, Barack! No rules, my God, it's the Outback Steak House of debate. By the way, I've been to Outback Steak House, and I would like to say contrary to what they tell you, there are rules." --Jon Stewart

"Anyhow, coming just a week before the crucial Texas and Ohio primaries and the adorable Rhode Island and Vermont primaries, the debate gave Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton a final shot to differentiate themselves [on screen: Obama and HRC talking about their similarities]. There is a way to tell them apart. I want to let you in on it. One of them has a birthmark on their left buttock in the shape of Walter Mondale. I'll never tell [on screen: a photo of Stewart in bed with Obama]. ... Obama said 95% of their health care plans are similar. The last 5% must be where the content is [on screen: HRC and Obama debating about the differences in their plans]. His has a mandate, hers has requirements, and yet neither plan cures a broken heart. Admit it, you two. You're falling in love. ... Well, wouldn't that be nice if they did? I actually think he would be good to her." --Jon Stewart

"Obama ... what about Louis Farrakhan, leader of the Nation of Islam and infamous anti-Semite. He endorsed your campaign and all you did was denounce it [on screen: HRC saying there is a difference between denouncing and rejecting Farrakhan's support]. Now she's pandering to the SAT prep coach vote. ... It would be hard enough for Hillary Clinton if she was only fighting Obama, but apparently there are other forces in play [on screen: HRC saying, 'Can I just point out that in the last several debates, I seem to get the first question all the time. And I don't mind, you know, I will be happy to field them. I just find it kind of curious that I keep getting the first questions on all these issues, but I'm happy to answer it']. Yeah, you are curiously happy. I guess the media's conspiring to hear from Hillary first. You know, Hillary, it's not sudden-death overtime" --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)

"Big news out of Cincinnati. And for the first time in modern memory it is not about Nick Lachey. No, this time it's about John McCain. Oh, I hate him so much! I've always hated him going all the way back to when Rush Limbaugh told me to hate him. Now McCain briefly won me over when he was attacked in the New York Times last week. I am irresistibly drawn to anything the New York Times attacks, which is how I got hooked on tainted beef." --Stephen Colbert

"But the lovefest between me and McCain was short lived because of something that happened at his rally yesterday. Conservative Cincinnati radio host Bill Cunningham warmed up the crowd with a couple of tasteful zingers about Barack Obama. ... But the Bill Cunningham wit-nado was just touching down [on screen: Cunningham saying, 'Barack Hussein Obama' three times]. ... Barack Obama's middle name is Hussein. Obama was teed up for McCain like a golf ball with a turban. And then what does McCain come out and do? [on screen: McCain saying, 'Whatever suggestion was made that was in any way disparaging to the integrity, character, honesty of either Senator Obama or Senator Clinton was wrong, and I condemn it']. Senator, at long last, have you no balls? I don't know what to say here. Cunningham pointed out that your opponent's middle name was Hussein. Your next logical political move is to point out that his daughter's names are Uday and Qusay. Isn't that correct?" --Stephen Colbert

DEN said...

"Here is some campaign excitement. Ralph Nader is running for president. I'm like you. I think this really could be Ralph's year." --David Letterman

"I like Ralph Nader. He looks like a guy who comes into town once a year for supplies. ... He looks like a guy you would see sitting on his front porch watching for out-of-state plates. ... Ralph Nader looks like a postal worker who doesn't know whether to retire or start shooting." --David Letterman

"But seriously how about that John McCain? John McCain looks like a guy whose head you can barely see over the steering wheel. ... John McCain looks like the guy who thinks the nurses are stealing his stuff. 'Dad, why would they take your socks? It doesn't make sense.'" --David Letterman

"Earlier tonight, another big Democratic debate in Ohio. And the format for this one was a little different. Both candidates were sitting on dunk tanks." --David Letterman

"Now it's just down to Hillary and Barack Obama debating. There was trouble. At a one point handlers had to stop Bill from jumping into the ring with a chair." --David Letterman

"Hillary criticized Obama so strongly that at one point he yelled at her. He just said, 'Hey, easy, lady, we're not married'" --David Letterman

"Well, here's a shocking story. You see this on the news last night? Politics, people get so worked up. A man in Pennsylvania stabbed his brother-in-law in the stomach with a knife after they got into a fight over who was a better candidate, Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton. Yeah. Stabbed the other one in the stomach. Don't confuse that with Hillary and Barack, they keep stabbing each other in the back. That's totally different." --Jay Leno

"And former presidential candidate -- what's his name? Oh, Chris Dodd of Connecticut has given his endorsement to Barack Obama. Wow, you know what that means? Dozens of votes for Obama." --Jay Leno

"Political experts are now saying it's almost impossible for Hillary Clinton to win, and everyone is urging her to call it quits and go home to Bill. Except, of course, Bill. 'Stay out there, honey!'" --Jay Leno

"As you know, last week the big rumor, according to the New York Times, is John McCain was allegedly sleeping with a a young, attractive lobbyist. Well, that story has pretty much gone away. In fact, the only one trying to keep it alive now? John McCain." --Jay Leno

"And God bless him, Ralph Nader running for president again. Yeah, yeah! Nader says he's running for president again because the Democrats did not stop President Bush on the war in Iraq and on the tax cuts. Stop him? If Nader hadn't run, there wouldn't have been a President Bush." --Jay Leno

"And speaking of that, President Bush said today that he is very concerned about the acceleration of hostilities in the former Yugoslavia. See, again, I don't think President Bush is really familiar with this region of the world. Like, he said today that violence in Serbia could spread to Suburbia and claim the lives of millions of Suburbanites." --Jay Leno

"British scientists are now conducting new tests on the Shroud of Turin. ... They're trying to pinpoint exactly how old it is. They say if these tests are successful, one day they might be able too determine the exact age of John McCain." --Jay Leno

"Tonight in Cleveland, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are debating one another for the 20th time. Yeah, experts are calling it redundant, unnecessary, and the most exciting thing that ever happened in Cleveland." --Conan O'Brien

"This is a big scandal. Yesterday, someone released a photo of Barack Obama wearing a traditional African dress. Yeah, as a result, Barack has been offered a starring role in 'Big Momma's House 3.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Ralph Nader announced he's once again going to run for president. Nader says he's running 'cause he's tired of Mike Huckabee stealing all the 'no chance in hell' votes." --Conan O'Brien

"Former Newark, New Jersey, Mayor Sharpe James arrived in court today for the first of two federal corruption trials. If found guilty, Sharpe James could get ten years in prison or 20 more years in Newark" --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama faced off again tonight in Cleveland for their final debate before the next debate, I think, before the primaries on March 4th in Ohio, Texas, Rhode Island and Vermont. This is the 17th presidential debate. One more and the country gets a free eight-inch sub." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Bill Clinton -- you have to believe he's loving these. One night a week, he's not the one she's bitching at. ... It got a little bit contentious tonight, a lot of controversy still about the photo somebody released of Obama wearing a turban. You know, they originally said Clinton's camp did it, and they said we didn't do it. If I was Barack Obama, I would have worn the turban to the debate tonight. That's why I'm not running for president." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Last time we checked in with the Democrats Barack Obama had wrapped up his 11th consecutive victory. Wisconsin and Hawaii adding to his tally, surpassing Senator Hillary Clinton in the delegate count. Senator Clinton handled it with surprising, dare I say, grace [on screen: HRC saying, 'No matter what happens in this contest, and I am honored to be here with Barack Obama. I am absolutely honored']. I love my big, black, inexperienced, possibly Muslim opponent. ... But when grace failed to move the polls in her direction, she attacked one more time [on screen: HRC saying, 'Shame on you, Barack Obama. It's time you ran a campaign consistent with your messages in public']. Oh, my God, she found your pot. Shame on you." --Jon Stewart

"The source of Hillary's wrath, two mailers from the Obama campaign that she said misrepresented her positions on NAFTA and health care [on screen: HRC saying, 'Enough with the speeches and the big rallies and then using tactics that are right out of Karl Rove's playbook']. Enough with the speeches and the rallies and the winning and the beating me. Enough already. I've had it. I have Karl Rove's playbook right here [on screen: Stewart pulls out a book that when opened releases dead spirits]. Slightly misstating someone's position on trade doesn't seem to be in there. In fact, the only thing that bothers Senator Clinton more than Barack Obama's Machiavellian cynicism using tactics like that is, of course, his childlike naivete [on screen: HRC saying, 'I could stand up here and said let's just get everybody together. Let's get unified. The sky will open. The light will come down, celestial choirs will be singing and everyone will know we should do the right thing and the world will be perfect']. But the world is a s---hole, people. I, Hillary Clinton, am here to tell you that the minute you are born, you begin to die. Chant with me. No, we can't! It's all in her new slogan, 'Vote Clinton Because A Deaf God Ignores Our Pleas.'" --Jon Stewart

"For his part, Obama accused Hillary of wanting to have it both ways [on screen: Obama saying, 'You can't take credit for everything that is good in the Clinton administration and suddenly say you don't want to take credit for what folks don't like about the Clinton administration']. Yeah, you can't cherry pick from your long record of public service. That's why I, Barack Obama, don't have one." --Jon Stewart

"It is a sad day for America. Democratic frontrunner Barack Obama is a terrorist [on screen: Obama in a traditional Somali dress]. This is the only possible explanation for him wearing this outfit unless he is a waiter at a Middle Eastern restaurant, or an extra in Disney's 'Aladdin On Ice,' or some teenagers teepeeed him. Terrible." --Stephen Colbert

"We already knew that Barack Obama went to a madrassa, his middle name is Hussein, and his followers would strap dynamite to themselves if he asked, but this photo clinches it. Barack Obama is a rare combination. If there's one thing we've learned from the Clinton campaign, it's that he is a terrorist and lacks the experience to fight terrorists. The Obama people say that this is an innocent picture of him in traditional Somali costume taken during a tour of Africa. They say the photo was released to Matt Drudge ... by the Hillary Clinton campaign. Where do they get this stuff? In this case, Matt Drudge, who said he got the photo from the Clinton campaign. Obama's people have called leaking the photo -- quote -- 'shameful, offensive fear-mongering' -- exactly what you would expect a terrorist to say, maybe with an accent. The Clinton folks put the blame where it belongs. Chief strategist Maggie Williams said -- quote -- 'If Barack Obama's campaign wants to suggest that a photo of him wearing traditional Somali clothing is divisive, they should be ashamed.' She is right, it's not divisive. In fact, it brings the nation together in the belief that Barack Obama is a terrorist." --Stephen Colbert

"There's no question that the Clinton campaign has gotten a little desperate. She has lost 11 races in a row. She's the Washington Generals of presidential politics. That does not make Barack Obama the Harlem Globetrotters. That would be racist. To break the losing streak her campaign has started what one Clinton aid is calling the kitchen sink strategy, which is to make Barack Obama's kitchen sink look like a terrorist [on screen: a sink covered with terrorist paraphernalia]" --Stephen Colbert

carey said...

Hello! I can semi-see! Still down and recuperating, but Obama's up dancing, I see.

Less nausea this time around because my vision is somewhat balanced now.

I heard from an attorney for the insurance company I've been dealing with. It's a certified, literally, threat letter. It's a rejection of my claim and a throwing down of the gauntlet. They want my phone records, my tax records, everything. They can do this. They blackmail, we'll make your life miserable, we'll force you to hire an attorney, etc., if you proceed with wanting your own money.

There you go people. Corps are winning. They just stole $52,000 from me. Take them to court, oh right, more money...and attorney fees.

They have us over a cliff and are stealing us blind.

Sorry to start your Friday morning off with that piece of horribly shitty news. I knew they were going to do this, accuse me of fraud.

Jesus.

carey said...

I gather people are telling Obama to stay low and just don't make mistakes now. He's got Texas it appears.

What an interesting week. I liked the first cartoon, Den, with the gingerbread house and the children. Funny.

Brandon is down, oh gosh, with the flu. He was diagnosed last night and has a temp of 102 degrees. Poor, sweet baby. All I can do is give him popsicles for the sore throat and watch. Well, sort of. Still have foggy eyes.

Carey said...

'Kaaay. Orrin Hatch just tried to argue that warrantless wiretapping is constitutional on the Senate floor. They're doing FISA.

So, I'm a little behind. It's back on the floor again?

DEN said...

Carey, hire a lawyer and sue the bastards for harassment!

Make sure you find one that will collect fees when they win, might have to interview a few, recommendations from friends are the best way to find one.

Better take precautions against the flu, your system is compromised and it will hit you real hard, bad stuff.

David B. Benson said...

Here is something for Alan, or anyone else in Texas:

Creationists use stealth to attempt to obtain a majority on Texas State Board of Education

Have to stop this form of insanity as well as global warming denial.

Alan said...

Red Bull Art of Can
There was a circular in today's paper about this site, with a few pictures. Check out the artwork!
I've never had a Red Bull, or any other type of drink like that. To me it doesn't matter what KIND of can. I'd like the art regardless.

Alan said...

Yeah Dr. B., Texas is as red as it gets. We're FULL of shallow gene pool specimens like that.

Alan said...

Carey, I'm glad you're back even if not 100% yet. My sister-in-law had the same thing done to her eyes and she's very satisfied with the results.

Let's see... I never asked Hajji about his statement that I was the NASCAR and UFC guy. UFC yeah, though it was WEC that I've talked about lately (Bill Richardson's ex-chief of staff's son is the middleweight world champion). No biggie, it's all MMA (mixed martial arts). But NASCAR? I don't believe I've ever posted anything about NASCAR. I'm a fan to an extent, but not a fanatic or anything. I just wondered where that part came from. Again, it's no biggie.

Carey said...

David and Alan,

That's their tactic everywhere--the local school districts. Christian rightists infiltrate with a gusto.

Oh Den, do I want to?.....They're so ferocious these corps. Another day, when I'm feeling better, I'll consider agressive defense. I know it's all scare tactics. Ass-effin-holes, the corps.

The problem is, it's happening everywhere. I knew what their tactics would be, we've discussed them here. Insurance is doing it to everyone.

Straight out stealing, plain stealing. It will come to be the standard method if things don't change.

What am I saying? What could be more standard than a widow with a college-bound minor? They come after vulnerables like you and me.

Alan said...

Jesus' General has a hilarious post about robots that ends up about Bill O'Reilly and his favorite vibrator... the ReamMaster 5000 with Shudder-n-Scream® Pleasure Enhancement Technology. LOL And then, the last graph is...

*Apple is at least a year from away from launching their iBoink--word is they are in a big patent imbroglio with Rep. Patrick McHenry, who's claiming he created a similar product using duct tape, a washing machine, and a College Republican.

David B. Benson said...

Off until Sunday.

DEN said...

Doc, 10-4

DEN said...

Anybody catch the Dow? Sheesh!

Gas is $3.499

Dow is going down,
prices are going up.

Carey said...

Katharine Jamison (sp?) on Bill Moyers, wow! Her analysis of Clinton's failure to achieve a biography narritive with her ads as McCain and Obama have. Just ever so fascinating. The psychology of advertising and how those tools are used by each campaign--God, aren't Moyers and his guests something else?

DEN said...

Carey, cool, I set my DVR so I won't miss it.

Brandon OK? And you?

Carey said...

Brandon's taking Tamiflu, he's feels a little better. Thanks. I'm dizzy. Going to hit the sack early.