Friday, March 14, 2008

Friday Funnies





8 comments:

DEN said...

Cannot miss Mark Fiore today!

3AM

DEN said...

"Last night, what a horrible audience. It's not so much that they were horrible. They were just quiet. My God, it was like dinner at the Spitzers." --David Letterman

"I guess you heard the big news. Governor Eliot Spitzer, governor of New York, resigned today. He left his resignation on the night table with a $300 tip." --David Letterman

"He waited about the resignation and finally he had to. He couldn't get a pardon from Oprah, so he's gone." --David Letterman

"Four out of five New Yorkers wanted him to go. Four out of five New Yorkers said, no, get him out of here. Myself and the writers, we, of course, wanted him to stay." --David Letterman

"Maybe you can tell a very somber mood here in New York City. Am I right about that? As a matter of fact, even the hookers in Times Square were wearing the black armbands." --David Letterman

"But here's the deal, now Spitzer will have to pay women to call him governor." --David Letterman

"Eliot Spitzer was a Hillary Clinton superdelegate. ... Also, Spitzer was on Hillary Clinton's vice president list, possible running mate. Boy, she can pick 'em, can't she?" --David Letterman

"Now, here's the deal about the tryst down there in a Washington, DC, hotel -- $5,000 and a hotel room. Five grand and a hotel room. And Senator Larry Craig -- you remember Larry from Idaho? He said, 'Well, that's crazy. For two quarters, I can have a pay toilet all night.'" --David Letterman

"Earlier today, the governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer, has resigned. In his resignation speech, Spitzer said, 'To whom much has been given, much is expected.' Which is the same thing he said to that $5,000 hooker." --Jay Leno

"It's interesting. Although Spitzer only spoke for 2 minutes and 40 seconds, he still had to pay for the entire hour." --Jay Leno

"It's interesting, now that he's not governor, how people treat you differently when you're no longer powerful. Like today, he went from Client #9 to Client #3,252." --Jay Leno

"The new governor of New York will be a man named David Paterson, who is legally blind. Yeah, he is. He is legally blind. The way it will work with him is, you see, he'll just have the woman talk dirty to him over the phone." --Jay Leno

"He will be the first visually impaired governor in the history of the United States. See, a lot of people thought Bill Clinton was the first blind governor, because he hit on Paula Jones." --Jay Leno

"Well, more and more details are coming out about this incident, which has fascinated people. It seems the governor was caught on a federal wiretap making arrangements to meet with this prostitute. See, that's why the Democrats are against Bush's eavesdropping policy. You see? Bush is not only catching terrorists, he's catching Democrats, too." --Jay Leno

"No, the FBI said they became suspicious after tracking what they call 'questionable transfers of money' from Spitzer's account. See, at first they thought he was hiding bribe money. And then they realized it's highly unlikely that the governor would be bribed by a woman named Cindy Candypants." --Jay Leno

"Congratulations to Barack Obama, won again last night. He beat Hillary in Mississippi, 60% of the vote. In fact, he won by such a wide margin, Hillary is now definitely gonna offer him the number two spot on the ticket." --Jay Leno

"And I thought this was rubbing it in. I guess Barack called Hillary last night to tell her that he won at 3 a.m. in the morning." --Jay Leno


"I saw 'Clueless' on TV last night. Geraldine Ferraro? Anybody see that? Well, Geraldine Ferraro was forced to leave the Clinton campaign after saying that the only reason Barack Obama is winning is because he's black, and you know, hey, there's some truth to that. The only way you're gonna get elected president of this country is you're a black guy. A rich old white guy? How many of those have we had?" --Jay Leno

"And Democratic officials in Florida and Michigan are talking about doing a re-vote. They want people to vote again in those primaries. In fact, Florida officials have been scrambling to re-program their voting machines, because most of them are still wired to pick George Bush." --Jay Leno

"Hey, you know who's gonna run for Congress? Jack Kevorkian. Remember him? The suicide doctor. Kevorkian is 79 years old, and he's going to run for Congress. See, there's a term limit proposal everybody could get behind. See what I'm saying? Just have the politicians kill themselves." --Jay Leno

"Our governor, Eliot Spitzer, resigned today. ... And to make things official, Governor Spitzer had to write a letter of resignation to New York's secretary of state. He wrote a letter. Yeah. Out of habit, Spitzer addressed the letter 'Dear Penthouse.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Spitzer's resignation is bad news for Hillary Clinton. Did you know this? It's not good for Hillary Clinton, because Eliot Spitzer is resigning as governor of New York. That means Hillary Clinton has lost another superdelegate. It's true. On the bright side, Bill Clinton has gained a super wingman." --Conan O'Brien

"Republican presidential candidate John McCain is in the news. John McCain says he's trying to find a vice presidential running mate. Not only that, McCain is also trying to find his reading glasses and his car keys. ... He's an older gentleman. That's the idea there. You'll be hearing more of those in the next nine months, because that's our take. Until he gets a whore." --Conan O'Brien

"This is a weird story. I got to mention it, though. This week, airport security stopped a woman from getting on a plane with a skeleton in her luggage. The woman's name -- Mrs. Larry King." --Conan O'Brien


"It's so sunny and bright outside that earlier today, Eliot Spitzer came out of a brothel squinting." --David Letterman

"I guess everybody knows about this by now. New York Governor Eliot Spitzer caught with a high-priced call girl. Ladies and gentlemen, there, but for a declined Mastercard, go 'I.' 'I'm sorry, Mr. Letterman. It won't go through.'" --David Letterman

"Spitzer was told about the evidence against him on Friday. On Friday, last Friday. How about that? I'm thinking, 'Wow, somebody had a worse weekend than I did.'" --David Letterman

"He went through this call girl thing. ... He was known as a regular customer. He was known as Client 9. It looks now like Client 9 will soon be looking for wife number 2." --David Letterman

"You know, I'm a half-full kind of guy. I always try to put a positive spin on stuff. Sure, it's a horrible story. On the other hand, you look at it this way, he was supporting New York's number one industry." --David Letterman

"I don't know about you, but when I heard about this scandal here's the first thing I thought. I said, 'Woah, there's another success for eHarmony.com.'" --David Letterman

"They're talking about impeaching Eliot Spitzer if he doesn't step down. And I'm thinking, 'Whoa, a Democrat being impeached for extramarital sex. Happy days are here again.'" --David Letterman

"Here's one that is kind of cute. He would get the hookers, the call girls, the prostitutes, the whores, and he would run them down, put them on the train, Amtrak. Like they need more publicity. And he'd run them down to Washington, DC, and they'd check into a beautiful suite and have the rendezvous at a place called the Mayflower Hotel. Now that's the difference between a Democratic and a Republican sex scandal. The Republicans have their rendezvous at an airport men's room" --David Letterman

"Do you know what the highest paid government position in this country is? Anybody know? ... It is working under New York Governor Eliot Spitzer. It pays like $5,000 an hour." --Jay Leno

"As I'm sure you know by now, New York Governor Eliot Spitzer has admitted that he was involved in a prostitution ring. Now this is the same man who when he was attorney general went after the prostitution ring. So apparently, it was for not giving him good service." --Jay Leno

"This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to a governor, I guess, since Arnold Schwarzenegger did 'Kindergarten Cop.'" --Jay Leno

"The really ironic thing about this case -- today, the hooker said Spitzer was done in a New York minute." --Jay Leno

"Well, you know something, this shows you how the whole world is backwards. I mean, you got Democrats. Now, they're supposed to be poor, right? Don't Democrats traditionally represent the poor people? They're paying $5,000 an hour for sex. You got the Republicans. They're supposed to be rich, right? They're cruising airport bathrooms trying to get it for free. What's going on?" --Jay Leno

"Do you ever notice politics is the only profession when a guy gets caught with a hooker, the wife has to stand by his side. You know, if this guy was a plumber and he got caught with a prostitute, he'd have his wife's SUV tire tracks over his head." --Jay Leno

"In political news, Hillary Clinton has been hinting that she and Barack Obama might share the Democratic ticket with her in the number one position. She feels Barack Obama deserves some sort of consolation prize for getting the most votes and being the most popular." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday in Mississippi, Barack Obama told the crowd he is not interested in being Hillary Clinton's running mate, saying, he didn't know how he could be offered the lesser job if he's in first place. Come to think of it, I was wondering that myself." --Jay Leno

"Prescription medications have been discovered in the drinking water supplies of at least 41 million Americans. Or, as President Bush calls that, the Republican health care plan. You drink eight glasses of water a day, you get all your drugs. You see, again, I don't think President Bush understands this problem. Like today, he said, he read the report and was shocked to learn our tap water contains the chemical H2O." --Jay Leno

"Everybody right now is discussing our New York Governor. And I have to say, we're proud to be mentioned." --Conan O'Brien

"The New York Times reported that New York Governor Eliot Spitzer was a customer of a high-end prostitution ring, that the prostitutes knew him as Client #9. Client #9, yeah. Not surprisingly, clients one through eight were Charlie Sheen." --Conan O'Brien

"It's getting serious, though. Republicans in New York have given Governor Spitzer an ultimatum. That if he doesn't resign, they'll push for impeachment. Governor Spitzer responded by saying, 'How about you just spank me, we'll call it even?'" --Conan O'Brien

"But a lot of rumors about what is going to happen. If Governor Spitzer does resign over his prostitution scandal, it's been reported that he will go into private practice as a lawyer. That's what he's going to do. Yeah. When asked why he wants to practice law again, Spitzer said, 'I like businesses where you charge by the hour and screw your clients.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Are you getting a little more excited about the presidential race now? ... Remember when it was 140 people running for president and you didn't know who they were? Now we're down to three. And the latest is Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and John McCain, they've all been arguing, claiming that they're the most qualified person to answer the White House phone at 3 a.m. Yeah, McCain said, 'I'm the most qualified, because I'm usually up at that hour peeing anyway.'" --Conan O'Brien

David B. Benson said...

Kay Bailey Hutchison (Texas) is going to vote no on the Lieberman-Warner bill.

Let her know just how wrong this is!

DEN said...

Sheesh, this place is a ghost town, just saw a tumbleweed go by,
was it something I said, my feet smell?

*Whistling wind*

√≤¿√≥arol said...

Den, how could you say what you did about the Bee Gee's music! It was wonderful stuff. Great bass, great beat. I still listen to them.

DEN said...

Carol, because I do not like them and made a vain attempt to amuse.

Apparently you were not, it was not intentionally aimed at you.

They sound like their shorts are too tight. Definite 'chick' band though, my ex liked them too.

Neil Young, Bruce, Mark Knofler, and Bonnie Rait, and hell even Willie Nelson make them look like techno-pop amateurs, real music, real intruments, real good.

Sold my disco pants and flashy shirt and bought blue jeans and a cotton shirt instead.

DEN said...

Aw whatever We all like our own stuff, ain't worth the argument.

Time for shots-n-beer.

carol said...

"Apparently you were not, it was not intentionally aimed at you."

Aimed at me? Why would you think I thought it was aimed at me? I was merely shocked at what you said.

To each his own.