Friday, March 21, 2008

Friday Funnies





19 comments:

DEN said...

Mark Fiore

DEN said...

"According to a new CNN poll just out today, John McCain would win the presidential election if only beer drinkers voted. Now, a Democrat, either Hillary or Barack would win, if only wine drinkers voted. But here's the interesting part, if we all got really drunk on tequila, Ralph Nader might actually have a shot." --Jay Leno

"Republican presidential nominee John McCain is in Iraq this week. He said his goal as president is to introduce to the Iraqi people the concept of the early bird special. Yeah, eating dinner at 4:30." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney also in Iraq this week. Cheney told the Iraqi government that their leaders have to show some progress on both their domestic and economic fronts. And the Iraqis said to Cheney, 'Uh, you first.'" --Jay Leno

"Today marks the five-year anniversary of the war in Iraq, and President Bush said his decision to invade was 'remarkably effective.' Yeah, that's why we're still there after five years. Happy Anniversary!" --Jay Leno

"Bush also went on to say that Bear Stearns is just going through a tough time and victory's just around the corner. ... I don't want to say Wall Street is in financial trouble. You know who's in charge of Bear Stearns right now, you know who's running it? Britney Spears' dad." --Jay Leno

"Interesting fact came out today on the new $5 bill. It turns out it used to be the old $10 bill." --Jay Leno

"Today, Barack Obama criticized John McCain for mistakenly saying that Iran was sending aid to al Qaeda in Iraq, which is not true. And afterwards, President Bush told McCain, 'Don't worry about it. I didn't know that either.'" --Jay Leno

"As you know, yesterday, Barack Obama gave a big speech on race, and there was one heckler in the audience, kept screaming crazy stuff the whole time. Turns out it was his pastor." --Jay Leno

"It could now be profitable for oil companies to start drilling for oil in Los Angeles again. And once again, I think President Bush doesn't really understand this issue. Like today, he announced the drawing of a contingency plan to invade the San Fernando Valley." --Jay Leno

"Another exciting episode 'As Albany Turns.' Have you been following what's been going on in New York? Both the governor of New York, David Paterson, and his wife have both admitted to having extramarital affairs. They said they both had sex with other people during a rocky period in their marriage. Now, I'm no marriage counselor, but, you know, if you're both banging other people, that could cause a rocky period." --Jay Leno

"No, the governor said he would often meet these women at the Days Inn in Albany. Well, he knows how to charm a a lady, huh? Nothing like that free pop tart continental breakfast." --Jay Leno

"One of the women Paterson had an affair with was a state employee. He said he tried to end the affair, but since she was a state employee, there was so much paperwork involved, it was just easier to just keep banging her." --Jay Leno

"As you know, Governor Paterson is legally blind, which has gotta be an advantage when you're having an affair. This way, when your wife catches you in bed with another woman, you go, 'Honey, I thought it was you.'" --Jay Leno

"God, that's got to be depressing for women, don't you think? I mean, think about it. When even a legally blind guy has a roving eye, come on!" --Jay Leno

"According to a new study by scientists at Clemson University, almost 3,000 bacteria are transferred every time you double-dip something. More bad news for New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey." --Jay Leno

"That's the other big scandal on the East Coast. A male aide to former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey says the governor's wife should have known he was gay, because they all used to have three-way sex together. As he called it, a 'McThreevey.'" --Jay Leno

"So, let's see, Jim McGreevey was having three-ways. Eliot Spitzer was having sex with prostitutes. The new governor, David Paterson, was having an affair. You realize the only politician in New York not getting any sex -- Hillary Clinton." --Jay Leno

"I don't know if you folks from out of town are aware of this, but here lately we've had trouble with our governor. And now are reports that former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey and his wife were having wild, crazy, three-way sexual activities with his assistant. I can't even get my assistant to make coffee." --David Letterman

"How about that John McCain, ladies and gentlemen? Do you like John McCain? John McCain recently said that he supports George Bush's Iraq policy. I said, well, sure, slice me eight more years of that, will ya?" --David Letterman

"I do like John McCain. He looks like a guy who thinks he is sheriff of the neighborhood, you know? 'You're going to have to trim back those hedges. You are gonna have to get out there and trim them back.' ... He looks like the guy who is a regular at the paint store. 'What color is that? You gotta use that up. I'm looking for a Humbolt Blue.' ... He looks like a guy who walks by your house with his arthritic dog." --David Letterman (Read more Letterman jabs at Old Man McCain)

"Are you fold excited about March Madness? You know, here's how it works. We go from 65 to 32, then to 16, and then to eight and -- well, no, no, that's -- those are Hillary Clinton's superdelegates." --David Letterman

"I was thinking about this today. Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama and what a contest for the Democratic presidential nomination. Kind of exciting, isn't it? They've got a lot in common. Hillary and Barack have a great deal in common. Both are lawyers, both are senators and neither one is sleeping with Bill Clinton." --David Letterman

"This weekend the annual auto show begins. The New York City Auto Show. It's going to be a great affair. ... I hear former Governor Eliot Spitzer may be in the market for a Hummer." --David Letterman

"There are technically now so many sex scandals in New York, it's hard for me to keep track of them. Are you having the same trouble? ... Every day you pick up the paper, there's a new revelation. This is the latest. Today, it was revealed that Eliot Spitzer's call girl, Ashley Dupre, appeared in a 'Girls Gone Wild' video when she was 18. Yeah, when asked about it, Ashley said, 'That was during my embarrassing pre-hooker days.'" --Conan O'Brien

"It's now being reported that the former governor of New Jersey took part in several threesomes involving his wife and his chauffeur. Yeah. So, it's your move, Spitzer. --Conan O'Brien

"It is true, though, the former governor of New Jersey has reportedly taken part in several threesomes. That's what everyone's saying. Or, as a threesome is known in New Jersey, mullet-on-mullet-on-mullet action." --Conan O'Brien

"The Dalai Lama is in the news. The Dalai Lama is threatening to resign from his position as the spiritual leader of Tibet. When asked why, the Dalai Lama said, 'I promised myself I'd quit the moment it stopped being fun.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama delivered a major speech on the issue of race in America. Very impressive, yeah. Not to be outdone, today Bill Clinton delivered a speech on race called 'Asian Chicks Are Where It's At.'" --Conan O'Brien

"I'm sick at heart over the disturbing revelations about the newly installed New York Governor David Paterson. Evidently, he cheated on his wife as well. But specifically what disturbs me is where he cheated [on screen: news anchor saying, 'The Daily News says Paterson carried out the affair at the Days Inn on New York's Upper West Side']. The Days Inn up on Broadway and 94th? I mean, the man is blind. You know that heightens his sense of smell. I hope he at least put one of pine tree air fresheners around his neck. Governor, if you are going to indulge, indulge. Cheating at the Days Inn is like going off your diet for a tootsie roll ... at the Days Inn." --Stephen Colbert

"But there is some good news, nation. The Democrats are killing themselves. ... This week, on the liberal website Daily Kos, a civil war has broken out. Clinton bloggers are ... protesting what they feel is an abusively pro-Obama environment. Apparently, they were getting the crap hoped out of them. I read all 1,258 angry comments. Folks, I love when Democrats spend all their time in anonymous Internet feuds, anything to keep them off the 'Casual Encounters' section on Craigslist. Meanwhile, Barack Obama was on the defensive over his ties to controversial Reverend Jeremiah Wright. Yesterday, he responded with a speech on race. Press reaction to the speech was mixed. The New York Times compared it to addresses by Lincoln, FDR and Kennedy, and called it 'powerful' and 'frank.' While the Los Angeles Times compared it to speeches by Lincoln, FDR and Kennedy, but called it 'remarkable' and 'historic.' Oh, but every time I give a speech about how angry black people are, they call me a racist." --Stephen Colbert

reality check said...

About Richardson: I like him, but.......

He's been running for vice president all along. Obama's leading, so of course, he's going to endorse him, hoping for the 2nd tier slot. It won't happen though because Bill R. could barely get 3% of the voters' in the primaries -- he brings nothing to the ticket in terms of votes.

The Hispanic vote, which has gone overwhelming to Hillary, will not change their minds because of this endorsement. They are too independent-minded and think for themselves -- remember Las Vegas? In fact, many Hispanics are gonna be annoyed.

This endorsement, on Good Friday, is ho-hum. No one except over-heated Obama supporters and the MSM gives a rat's ass.

Gore and...maybe Edwards...would be a different kettle of fish.

just saying.... said...

So, now Condi says that she has notified Hillary that her passport file was breached, too, in 2007. And....drumroll....John McCain's was, too.

If this is some kind of conspiracy or a cover story, it's a real failure.

Has it not occurred to anyone that a few highly-curious (but low IQ) government employees thought it'd be fun to sneak a peek? Possible, ya know.

A friend used to work at one of those brokerage houses. When he was in training, he told us that they were given names of famous people to search for (not in the passport office, of course) -- some time later, the brokerage firm got into mid-level doo-doo for accessing celebrity accounts w/o authorization.

People do stooopid things all the time. Because they can.

Alan said...

So, chalk up another super delegate to the Big O. New Mexico has already had their primary, so the speculation about what Richardson's endorsement brings is just that, speculation. How hispanics react is more speculation, but Bill R. brings DEMOCRATS to the table, not just hispanics. As my first sentence said, I think the real story is that these super delegates are starting to add up and any kind of momentum could cause others to change their mind as well. So to me, it's not so ho-hum, and is almost literally 'another brick in the wall'.

David B. Benson said...

This is only 2008 CE:

Central US braced for more floods

Wait until next year...

DEN said...

Condo-weasel sez: i've talked to the senator. i told him that i was sorry and i told him that i myself would be very disturbed if i learned that somebody had looked into my passport file and, therefore, i will stay on top of it and get to the bottom of it. thank you.

Yup, sure ya will, disturbed? you bet! and sez 'i' alot too.

David B. Benson said...

Micki --- Please call (360) 902-4111 TODAY and ask Governor Gregoire to sign and fund the entirety of the Local Solutions to Global Warming bill.

•c•arol said...

Excuse my ignorance but why does it matter if someone looked in someone's passport file? What's in it that is so gd private anyway? Name and address? That info is available everywhere.

David B. Benson said...

Carol --- Pasport file contains many additional pieces of personal information. Next time at the post office, obtain a copy of the form to be filled out when one applies for a passport. Very, very through...

DEN said...

How can people do this to another human being?????????

Incredibly sad story.

David B. Benson said...

Triple Shock Strikes the Global Economy by Eric Le Boucher, Le Monde.

Just wait until global warming really begins to kick in...

micki said...

Join Al Gore's "We Can Solve it"

Dr. B -- More than one call has been made by this family.

unexpired passport holder said...

CAROL -- go here and scroll down to the passport form

unexpired passport holder said...

CAROL! No wait! -- this is the form one uses when they have to appear in person and take the OATH...and give parents' names, etc.

The other form was for mail-in.

Oops.

ÂșCÂșarol said...

Thanks for the info, Micki.

Still, another tempest in a teapot deal.

Hajji said...

Ffolks,

It has been a year since we got Spanky home from Iraq. I posited then that I was afraid that having him safe would cause me to be less angry, more complacent about the illegal and immoral invasion and occupation of Iraq.

Nothing proved me more right than watching Bill Moyers' Journal just now.

A look at the documentary "Body of War", the story of disabled vet Thomas Young and his family.

I can't really find the words, but there is a certain amount of guilt I feel for not pressing as hard as I was a year ago.

Time to get back on top of the thing, no matter how hard it hurts to go back.

-T

"Nothing is too good for our vets, ans so NOTHING is just what they're getting!"

-Eddie Vedder "No More"
Body of War soundtrack.

Alan said...

See if this Friday Quiz is still available. I did pretty good THIS time.
AOL news quiz

Fenridal said...
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