Friday, March 28, 2008

Friday Funnies





19 comments:

DEN said...

Mark Fiore vacation edition.

DEN said...

"As you know, Hillary Clinton coming under fire for claiming she was under fire while in Bosnia. Luckily, she was wearing her Kevlar pantsuit at the time." --Jay Leno

"No, Hillary now says that she just made an honest mistake when she said she had to duck sniper fire in Bosnia. There was no hostile fire of any kind. Although, ironically, while she was away, Bill Clinton did see some action." --Jay Leno

"Do you think this is a big deal? See, all candidates exaggerate. Remember when McCain ran in 2000? Remember that? He had to retract a claim that he had been under cannon fire from the Confederates." --Jay Leno

"Of course, this has hurt Hillary's claim that she's the candidate with the most experience. Like, when Hillary said she went to 80 countries, turns out she only wanted to go to one country, but she had booked it through Priceline.com." --Jay Leno

"It's getting nasty. Hillary and Barack really going at it. They're insulting each other, trading barbs, attacking each other's credibility. In fact, the only break they take from attacking each other is when they promise the American people, if elected, they can unite the country." --Jay Leno

"Hey, John McCain is moving up in the polls. In fact, he appears to be getting support from younger voters. How young you say? Well, yesterday, he was endorsed by Nancy Reagan. ... She said she's either going to endorse McCain or nobody. Well, that's got to make you feel good, huh?" --Jay Leno

"And at a speech earlier today in Sterling, Virginia, President Bush said the economy is going through a rough patch, but he's confident things will work out. Unless you own a home, own a car, have stock, or you're over 65." --Jay Leno

"The mayor of Detroit, Kwame Kilpatrick, has been charged with perjury after he got caught sending his chief of staff text messages about having sex. Yeah. He's also being investigated for having strippers at the mayor's mansion. And, of course, people are shocked. Detroit has a mayor's mansion?" --Jay Leno

"They're calling this the worst thing to come out of Detroit since the Ford Pinto." --Jay Leno

"Hey, Fred Thompson announced he's getting back into acting. Fred Thompson. Yeah, how about that? ... That's a pretty gutsy decision, considering his less than convincing portrayal of a presidential candidate." --Jay Leno

"Here is exciting news for the Spring in New York City. Ringling Brothers Circus is at Madison Square Garden. It's a tremendous show if you folks haven't been there. They have a female contortionist who is so good that Eliot Spitzer sent over a drink." --David Letterman

"I want to clarify something. Ringling Brothers is a three-ring circus. Governor and Mrs. McGreevey are a three-way circus." --David Letterman


"I'm a little upset. You know, Hillary Clinton was supposed to be our first guest tonight, but she got pinned down by sniper fire and was not able to come in." --Jay Leno

"Who would've guessed that Hillary would have more war stories than John McCain?" --Jay Leno

"Well, you know, Hillary Clinton's campaign is now saying she misspoke. She misspoke -- that's like a political word -- when she said last week that she landed under sniper fire during a trip to Bosnia as first lady. Turns out, it was gunfire on a trip to L.A. See, she got confused." --Jay Leno

"She now admits there were no snipers, yeah. And today, Bill Clinton said, 'Hey, if I knew there weren't any snipers, I wouldn't have sent her there in the first place.'" --Jay Leno

"Democratic frontrunner Barack Obama vacationing now in the Virgin Islands. It's been a while since anyone's used the words 'Democrats' and 'virgin' in the same sentence. You just don't hear that these days." --Jay Leno

"No, Barack Obama will appear on 'The View' this Friday. Right, he thought his pastor was loud and opinionated. Oh, God. Wait 'til Joy gets hold of him." --Jay Leno

"Have you seen New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson? He supported Barack. He's now got a mustache and a goatee. Analysts say he's trying to look more Hispanic, more ethnic. They say that's one of the reasons that Obama joined the Trinity Church with the radical minister, tried to appear more black. See, white politicians can't do that. You can't try to be more white, you know. You don't see white politicians listening to Lawrence Welk, square dancing, eating Wonder Bread sandwiches, you know, hanging out with Michael Jackson, trying to be more white." --Jay Leno

"The mayor of Detroit is creating jobs. The first job he's gonna create -- new mayor of Detroit, apparently. Have you heard of this by now? Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick has been charged with perjury and lying under oath after being caught sending sexually explicit text messages to his female chief of staff. This was the most embarrassing thing to happen to a Democratic politician in, like, a week." --Jay Leno

"Well, the sad thing is, Kwame Kilpatrick was considered a rising star in the Democratic Party. Apparently, he just spent a little too much time rising."--Jay Leno

"The bad news is, he could be forced out of office. The good news is, any time you get a chance to get out of Detroit, take it." --Jay Leno

"I love this story. I saw it in the paper today. Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer will explore whether he has an addiction to sex. Oh, shut up. Is sex really an addiction? Is it a disease? Do you think it's a disease? Huh? I mean, I've heard people call into work sick. Can you call in horny?" --Jay Leno

"And it's getting worse and worse for Governor Spitzer. Now, a Brazilian madam has come forward to say that Eliot Spitzer paid her to watch other couples have sex. You know, this whole thing could've been avoided if you put a peep hole in the lieutenant governor's office. That way, he could've watched David Paterson have his affairs and saved five grand an hour." --Jay Leno

"Actually, more revelations coming out about the new governor of New York, David Paterson. He now admits he did cocaine and marijuana. Now he comes up with that. So the first blind, black guy to be governor of New York has had a bunch of extramarital affairs, does coke and smokes dope. You sure he's governor? Doesn't he sound more like a blues singer?" --Jay Leno

"Beautiful day here in New York City. Wasn't it lovely? ... Such a nice day in New York City that the new governor of the state of New York, Governor Paterson, he was using drugs in the park." --David Letterman

"You sure can tell that it's spring because Governor and Mrs. McGreevey had a foursome with Ben and Jerry." --David Letterman

"Here's some news from Hollywood. You know Pamela Anderson? Well, she recently had her marriage annulled. ... Her marriage lasted two months. I mean, honest to God, she goes through husbands like New York goes through governors." --David Letterman

"Listen to this. Maybe you know somebody like this. A couple of 93-year-old guys living in Florida, and guess what, they're hiring prostitutes. 93 years old. ... This is what happens, by the way, when Medicare covers Viagra." --David Letterman

"Speaking of old guys, how about that John McCain? I like John McCain. He looks like the guy who gets frisky with the new waitress at IHOP. ... He looks like the guy who watches his Cadillac go through the car wash. ... He looks like the guy in the supermarket yelling into his cell phone, 'I'm in aisle three, Marge. I can't find the brownie mix.'" --David Letterman (Read more of Letterman's jabs at Old Man McCain)

"Did you hear about this Hillary Clinton? Apparently, now they caught her exaggerating about a trip to Bosnia a few years ago. Did you hear about this? Well, people, when they heard her explanation of the trip, became suspicious because she said when she got to Bosnia, after they got to the base, she had to have shrapnel removed from her pantsuit." --David Letterman

"Not such a great day for Hillary Clinton. Been caught telling a lie. Said when she landed in Bosnia 12 years ago, she was dodging bullets. Comedian Sinbad broke the story. Nothing says great journalism to me like the co-star of 'Jingle all the Way.' Sinbad went on a trip to Bosnia with Sheryl Crow and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like a Movie of the Week on Lifetime or something. 'Can a standup comedian, a woman rocker, and a tough drill-sergeant heal the war-torn Balkans?'" --Craig Ferguson

"Crazy if Hillary's campaign is derailed by a comedian. It has happened before. When John McCain first ran for the Senate, he was called a liar by the most famous comedian of that time: Mark Twain." --Craig Ferguson

Barack Obama called Hillary today to thank her for distracting everyone away from the whole crazy pastor thing. Obama's campaign is all about hope - hope Hillary keeps saying stupid crap and getting herself in trouble." --Craig Ferguson

b'hamster said...

Snowing -- on and off -- all morning. Not much sticking right here. Mt. Baker is another matter!

Praying for a sloooooooow melt in the Cascades, or flooding is on the way.

DEN said...

Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean said Friday that he wants superdelegates to pick a candidate by July 1, adding that the loser of the hard-fought primary has an “obligation” to support the winner.

“Somebody's going to lose this race with 49.8 percent of the vote, and that person has got to pull their supporters in behind the nominee,” Dean said on CBS’s “Early Show.” “That’s our obligation. Because in the end this is not about Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, it’s about our country.”

@ The Hill

.

DEN said...

Micki, sorry to hear about your snow, Winter will just not go away will it?

I am at the southern part of that storm and they are calling for 1/10 in. of rain later today, not nearly enough, it is very dry in the hills.

It is going to be a rough fire season here this summer.

DEN said...

Wally Mart, the worst company in the world!

David B. Benson said...

We are experiencing a strong La Nina. The year 2008 CE may well be the coldest (globally) since 1997 CE or possibly even 1994 CE.

Time will tell.

But anyway, the CO2 is going to get us in the end...

David B. Benson said...

Lights Out Globally Saturday Night for 'Earth Hour'

8 pm.

DEN said...

Well it's Friday night, few beers to mellow out, hope everyone is snug in their houses relaxing.

Carol & Bob, both sick at the same time, what are the odds? Flu sux!

Snowfall up in God's country, stay warm and dry folks, little sip of Gods' elixer; brandy.

Sunny warm SO Cal, can't beat the temps there sporting around, icecold tea, decaf of course.

Party on!

ยบ¿carol said...

I feel MUCH better today, or over the past couple hours. Bob is better, too, but not as much as me. I think I can quit worrying about him though.

Carey, I did read your Princess article.

I saw Obama on The View this morning. I know you won't believe it but it was the first time I'd seen him talk. Never watched any of the debates because I didn't care. Since I have no voice I'll vote for whoever they put on the ballot.

But I liked him. It will be a pleasure hearing someone like him talk after four years of Bush. It will be such a relief. It's been a damn painful almost eight years.

One more place to go catch up then I'm hitting the couch again. Still not perfect, getting funny in the head again. Crap.

Oops, almost forgot. We got about two inches of snow overnight. Most of it melted today though. It just won't quit snowing in Michigan!!

Carey said...

Micki,

I heard on Olbermann that police detected radioactivity with one of their instruments coming from a cat in a Bellingham car. The cat had just had cancer treatment. Really. Bellingham is what pricked my ears.

Carol,

I'm so happy to hear your feeling a mite better.

Den,

Look at what John Nichols has to say about the delegate mess and Howard Dean's role.


HOWARD DEAN'S GOT REAL WORK AHEAD OF HIM...

Democratic National Committee chair Howard Dean has finally recognized that the sparring between Barack Obama, Hillary Rodham Clinton and their backers has grown a tad disruptive.

And so he has jumped into action with a powerful... expression of concern.

"You do not want to demoralize the base of the Democratic Party by having the Democrats attack each other," Dean told the Associated Press. "Let the media and the Republicans and the talking heads on cable television attack and carry on, fulminate at the mouth. The supporters should keep their mouths shut about this stuff on both sides because that is harmful to the potential victory of a Democrat."

Ya think?

Dean's entering the discussion at point where a cautionary comment from the party chair is insufficient.

If Dean wants to do something useful, he is going to have to start working a whole lot harder to resolve the question of how to seat delegations from Michigan and Florida at this summer's Democratic National Convention.

The uncertainty about whether and how almost ten percent of the delegates to the convention will participate in the nominating process is the ultimate political landmine. No matter how ugly the Clinton-Obama competition gets, it is unlikely to tear apart the party unless there is a point of division so clear and so serious that it disrupts the convention.

The fights over Michigan and Florida pose a threat that must be dealt with before the convention if Dean -- who has done a very good job of putting in place a sound staff and a good schedule in place for the Denver gathering -- wants the convention, and the fall campaign, to be a success.


Posted by John Nichols at 03/28/2008 @ 2:44pm

DEN said...

Carey, he's absolutely right. This subject needs to be looked at again. Forgiveness works, people see a party admitting and correcting mistakes they see it as a party that grows and moves ahead.

Th repugs are the perfect example on how NOT to run a party.

Patch it up and move on, in a month no one will remember anyway.

DEN said...

Bill Maher: "In Iraq the Shite has hit the fan."

DEN said...

The plan would not rein in practices that have been linked to the housing and mortgage crisis, like packaging risky subprime mortgages into securities carrying the highest ratings.

The plan would give the Fed some authority over Wall Street firms, but only when an investment bank’s practices threatened the entire financial system.

And the plan does not recommend tighter rules over the vast and largely unregulated markets for risk sharing and hedging, like credit default swaps, which are supposed to insure lenders against loss but became a speculative instrument themselves and gave many institutions a false sense of security.

Parts of the plan could reduce the power of the Securities and Exchange Commission, which is charged with maintaining orderly stock and bond markets and protecting investors. The plan would merge the S.E.C. with the Commodity Futures Trading Commission, which regulates exchange-traded futures for oil, grains, currencies and the like.

The blueprint also suggests several areas where the S.E.C. should take a lighter approach to its oversight. Among them are allowing stock exchanges greater leeway to regulate themselves and streamlining the approval of new products, even allowing automatic approval of securities products that are being traded in foreign markets.

The proposal began last year as an effort by Henry M. Paulson Jr., secretary of the Treasury, to make American financial markets more competitive against overseas markets by modernizing a creaky regulatory system.

His goal was to streamline the different and sometimes clashing rules for commercial banks, savings and loans and nonbank mortgage lenders.

“I am not suggesting that more regulation is the answer, or even that more effective regulation can prevent the periods of financial market stress that seem to occur every 5 to 10 years,” Mr. Paulson will say in a speech on Monday, according to a draft. “I am suggesting that we should and can have a structure that is designed for the world we live in, one that is more flexible.”

Congress would have to approve almost every element of the proposal, and Democratic leaders are already drafting their own bills to impose tougher supervision over Wall Street investment banks, hedge funds and the fast-growing market in derivatives like credit default swaps.

@ TNYT

Sure, the Fed which itself is responsible for the funny money floating as real money is making sure they do not lose again.

b'hamster said...

Carey -- well, I wouldn't watch Keith Olbermann for all the tea in.....well, nevermind...but yeah, that radioactive cat story is really something.

This is what happened: Turns out the Feds are keeping us save with border agents monitoring Interstate 5 for nukulur "dirty bombs." No, really....their radiation detectors are so sensitive that when a car went zooming by at 70 MPH the agents' detector over 75 feet away picked up ISOTOPES in the vehicle. Chased down the vehicle. Stopped the vehicle. Did they find a bomb, or bomb components? Nope, they found a poor little kitty who had had radiation treatment 3 days earlier for cancer.

BTW, the bomb detecting agents pulled the vehicle over at the BOW-EDISON exit, south of B'ham. EDISON is where Edward R. Murrow went to highschool. Olbermann fancies himself a 21st century stand-in for Murrow. I've got news for him! He ain't.

If one can believe that the guvmint does do a good job with this "enhanced" surveillance crapola that the busheviks have shoveled on us post 9/11, why did Bill Clinton's guvmint have better luck?

Gee, right here in my neck of the woods during the Clinton years, Gazi Ibrahim Abu Mezer, tried to sneak in at Blaine in 1997 to blow up the New York subway and got caught, and Millennium Bomber Ahmed Ressam, was nabbed at Port Angeles in 1999.

DEN said...

leaning heavily to one side he drifts off into slumber. (that will hurt in the morning.)

micki said...

Carol -- good news that you and Bob are feeling better, but take it easy. I hope he got his prescription filled. (Maybe I missed the outcome on that.)

b'ham observer said...

Th repugs are the perfect example on how NOT to run a party.

That's true. But....the Dems are a perfect example of how NOT to run a party, too. At least the repugs get their intended result. Dems seldom do -- they self-destruct.

I'm not impressed with all the bullshit that could have been avoided with sounder leadership and some cohesivness.

b'hamster said...

Oh, man. Just looked out.

The snow is sticking. Temps dipping.

My poor daffs are looking a bit droopy, but they do love cold. They'll perk back up!