Friday, April 11, 2008

Friday Funnies





17 comments:

DEN said...

"Politics is getting more and more interesting now. According to the insiders, Condoleezza Rice has been actively lobbying to be John McCain's vice presidential candidate. That would be interesting, don't you think? Condoleezza Rice, John McCain. Kind of like ebony and ornery." --Jay Leno

And former presidential candidate John Edwards announced this week he will not accept the nomination for vice president. That's what he said. He will not accept the vice presidential nomination. To which the cashier at Wendy's said, 'You want a frosty with this, mister? People are waiting.'" --Jay Leno

"It was revealed this week that the Clintons made over $109 million since 2001. Actually, $50 million of that was just from Bill giving speeches. Isn't that amazing? Hillary said that to her surprise -- this is what she said -- she said to her surprise, her husband made a lot of money doing what he does best. Well, in Bill's case, what he does second best." --Jay Leno

"And Barack Obama is slowly catching up to Hillary Clinton in the polls in Pennsylvania. Experts say that if he winds up beating her there, then it's all over. But, see, these experts all over. They don't know Hillary all over. She's like Glenn Close in 'Fatal Attraction.' When you least expect it, she jumps out of the bathtub." --Jay Leno

"A lot of Democrats are asking President Bush to boycott the opening ceremonies to the upcoming Summer Olympics. Well, good luck with that. Boycott it? With the flags, the parades, the balloons? That's Bush's favorite part." --Jay Leno

"Got a lot of protests with the Olympics torch coming through California. See it on the news today? Man, you know, I can't believe this state even allowed the torch in here. Not because of Tibet. I mean, the guy running through the state with a giant torch at the beginning of brushfire season. How smart is that?" --Jay Leno

"And according to a recent poll, one out of five people in their 20s believe you can love more than one person at a time. Yeah. Is that shocking? Hey, two out of two New York governors believe that." --Jay Leno

"Speaking of disgraced New York governors, Eliot Spitzer and his wife made their first public appearance yesterday. Oh, man. How uncomfortable is that? They went into the NYU Medical Center. Apparently, she's having him castrated." --Jay Leno

"Here's your technology at work. The Pentagon now has developed a handheld lie detector that's gonna be distributed to troops. It's amazing. They can actually aim it at someone, and when the person is talking, they can tell if that person is lying. In fact, when the military showed this to Senator Clinton, she said, 'Get that damn thing away from me.'" --Jay Leno

"In a nationwide survey just released today, high school seniors, on the average, answered correctly only 48% of the questions about personal finance and economics. Only 48%. But that's still 10% better than Bush's economic team." --Jay Leno

"I should be excited because this is a historic night for television. ... Earlier tonight, all three -- I don't think this has ever happened before -- all three presidential candidates appeared on 'American Idol.' That's true, yeah. ... It was interesting. Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell looked at them and said, 'Wait, there's a black guy, a woman and a cranky white guy. You stole our formula!'" --Conan O'Brien

"More controversy surrounding the Olympic torch. The Olympic torch is now in San Francisco. Trouble follows this thing everywhere. Today, the Olympic torch arrived in San Francisco. Thousands of people in that city gathered to protest China's policy towards Tibet. Still no word on why so many of them were in assless chaps." --Conan O'Brien

"A new TV commercial for Hillary Clinton says she has, quote, a spine of steel. A spine of steel. When he heard this, John McCain said, 'Oh yeah, well, I've got a titanium hip'" --Conan O'Brien


"A lot of people whispering about John McCain's temper. Well, this is the latest. It's been reported that John McCain once got so angry at his wife during a public appearance that he called her the worst name you can call your wife. Yeah, that's right. He called her Hillary." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of Hillary, big day in Washington. General Petraeus, the top general in Iraq, testified on Capitol Hill today, and he was questioned by Senators Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. That's right, Obama and Clinton both had the same question for Petraeus -- 'Are you, by any chance, a superdelegate?'" --Conan O'Brien

"In case you forgot, taxes are due next week. You know, we all hate paying taxes, but the truth of the matter is without our tax money, many politicians would not be able to afford prostitutes." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Did you see what's going on with the Olympic torch? A lot of protests. It arrived in San Francisco today on its way to China. The Chinese that were traveling with the torch were stunned by the number of protesters. They have never seen this many protesters alive." -Jay Leno

"Well, a few times, the protesters became so aggressive that the Chinese security team had to retreat with the torch to one of their embassies. Had to go back to one of their embassies. Luckily, there was a Wal-Mart in the area, so that's a protected area." -Jay Leno

"It turns out Hillary and Bill earned $109 million over the past eight years. And Hillary said, to her surprise, her husband made a lot of money giving speeches. He made over $50 million speaking. Apparently, the only one not buying what Bill was saying is Hillary." -Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton's campaign strategist, a man named Mark Penn, he had to step down this week. Apparently, he couldn't come up with anymore good, fake stories." -Jay Leno

"Yeah, more problems for Hillary. For the second time in just a a couple of days, Hillary dropped a phony story from her stump speech. I guess she was going around telling these health care stories, and then a hospital today said it is not true. This story is not true. Turns out, Hillary did not discover penicillin. ... and did not invent the polio vaccine." -Jay Leno

"At a campaign rally in North Dakota, Barack Obama received a hockey stick as a gift from the University of North Dakota ice hockey team. Well, you thought he was a bad bowler." -Jay Leno

"And while Barack Obama was in North Dakota, he was greeted by what they are calling the largest crowd ever -- the largest crowd ever -- to see a political candidate in North Dakota. Over 17 people." -Jay Leno

"John McCain said this week he will release his medical records in May. He says he is only on three medications -- aspirin, Claritin and another pill they did not identify. Well, let's see, he's got a a wife that's 20 years younger, he's in his 70s." --Jay Leno

"Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is now denying that she's interested in being John McCain's vice presidential nominee. She says she doesn't want the job. She believes McCain is a great leader, but she has no training as a registered nurse. So, consequently, she would not be able to assist in any way." --Jay Leno

"I saw a political expert on TV today, and he said the Pennsylvania primary -- that's the big one with Hillary and Barack -- he said it will likely come down to which candidate wins the white, male vote. Oh, that's a relief. Maybe white men can finally have a say in how this country is run for a change." --Jay Leno

"Republican Senator David Vitter, remember him? Remember the guy who admitted he was having sex with a prostitute? Remember, he thought that was all over? Well, he's back in the news again. It looks like he may be forced to testify in the case of the DC Madam. That's not good for your reputation, huh? You're testifying in a prostitution case as an expert witness. ... That's got to make for some interesting chit-chat with the wife over the breakfast table, huh? 'Oh, honey, good luck in court today with your little whores.'" --Jay Leno

"It's becoming a very controversial Olympics, and it's still months away. Here's the latest: Canada just announced it may boycott this year's Summer Olympics because of China's treatment of Tibet. Yeah, Canada may boycott. When asked about the boycott, Canada's prime minister said, 'I'm very angry at China. Plus, we suck at summer sports.'" --Conan O'Brien

"With every vote so crucial in this election year, the candidates are looking to celebrity endorsements to raise their cool factor. Oprah backs Barack Obama. Jack Nicholson endorsed Hillary Clinton. But now John McCain has picked up the biggest name of all -- my mentor, Wilford Brimley. According to a recent article in GQ magazine, when Wilford called McCain headquarters, quote, an operative got off the phone and grandly announced to the room, 'We've got Brimley!' And you know the old saying, as goes Brimley, so goes brown sugar and cinnamon" --Stephen Colbert

DEN said...

Mark Fiores' comment on the China Olympics

micki said...

But that wasn't what YOU were referring to when you posted it.

Oh, so now you're a mind reader?

Why do you suppose I made it abundantly CLEAR that they were UNDERGRADUATES?

I think it's reassuring that there are young people who take their future seriously enough to hone their skills and subject their writing to "peer review."

You assume again.

micki said...

Presidential candidates shouldn’t be the vehicle for all of our hopes, wishes, and dreams.

Political realities dictate that it's up to We, the People to agitate, advocate, and demand any changes we see as necessary.

I don't see any of the candidates as leaders on climate change and energy policy. Not one of them has broken from the pack -- it's up to the grassroots to put their feet to the fire.

micki said...

Gateway to the 21st Century Skills

DEN said...

Global chilling:

Snow will continue across the Northland all day today, pushed by strong winds with blizzard conditions near Lake Superior.

A blizzard warning remains in effect until 7 a.m. Saturday for the Twin Ports. A winter storm warning is in effect for the rest of the region.

Two to 8 inches of snow has fallen across a broad area of the region. The National Weather Service reports 6.6 inches of snow had fallen at Duluth International Airport by 6:30 a.m. today. Another 5 to 6 inches are expected by Saturday morning.

Snowfall totals have been considerably less than predicted because of stubbornly dry air being pushed into the area by the strong winds.

While snowfall has been less than forecast, the wind is everything officials said it would be. A peak wing gust of 62 mph was reported at the airport shortly before 6 a.m. The strong winds have resulted in downed trees and power lines.

Waves of up to 16 feet are predicted on Lake Superior.

7 a.m.: Blizzard conditions remain in Duluth.

The Duluth Transit Service has canceled bus service today.

BRRRRRR!!

David B. Benson said...

Even so, 2008 CE is on track to be one of the 15 or so warmest years on record, globally.

David B. Benson said...

Hadley Centre says:

Global temperatures 'to decrease'

DEN said...

> YOUR AGE BY DINER & RESTAURANT MATH
>
> This is pretty neat...
>
> DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
>
> It takes less than a minute. Work this out as you read.
>
> Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
>
> This is not one of those waste of time things, it's FUN.
>
> 1.First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like
to

> go out to eat.
>
> (more than once but less than 10)
>
> 2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
>
> 3. Add 5
>
> 4. Multiply it by 50
>
> 5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1758...If you
> haven't, add 1757.
>
> 6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
>
> You should have a three digit number
>
> The first digit of this was your original number.( I. e.,How many
> times you wanted to go out to restaurants in a week.)
>
> The next two numbers are
>
> YOUR AGE! ------ (Oh YES, it is!)
>
>
> come on admit it~you know it is...LOL.
>
> THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2008) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND
> WHILE IT LASTS....

micki said...

The Lieberman-Warner Global Warming Bill

FIX OR DITCH the Lieberman-Warner Global Warming Bill

Take action?

David B. Benson said...

Air pollution:

Study: Flowers Losing Smell

DEN said...

It's not dead yet:

WASHINGTON — A new U.N. Human Rights Council official assigned to monitor Israel is calling for an official commission to study the role neoconservatives may have played in the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks.

On March 26, Richard Falk, Milbank professor of international law emeritus at Princeton University, was named by unanimous vote to a newly created position to report on human rights in the conflict between Israel and the Palestinian Arabs. While Mr. Falk's specialty is human rights and international law, since the attacks in 2001, he has devoted some of his time to challenging what he calls the "9-11 official version."

On March 24 in an interview with a radio host and former University of Wisconsin instructor, Kevin Barrett, Mr. Falk said, "It is possibly true that especially the neoconservatives thought there was a situation in the country and in the world where something had to happen to wake up the American people. Whether they are innocent about the contention that they made that something happen or not, I don't think we can answer definitively at this point. All we can say is there is a lot of grounds for suspicion, there should be an official investigation of the sort the 9/11 commission did not engage in and that the failure to do these things is cheating the American people and in some sense the people of the world of a greater confidence in what really happened than they presently possess."

Mr. Barrett, who is the co-founder of the Muslim-Jewish-Christian Alliance for 9/11 Truth, said in an interview yesterday of Mr. Falk, "I would put him on a list of scholars who are sympathetic to the 9/11 truth movement."

He added, "Unlike most public intellectuals today, he is both honest and very, very knowledgeable in that he understands the probable reality of 9/11. He understands that the evidence that it was a false flag operation is very strong."

@ The Sun

The fires are still smoldering.

David B. Benson said...

People who live in glass houses

Future Of Solar-powered Houses Is Clear: New Windows Could Halve Carbon Emissions

pay low electric bills.

ยบ¿carol said...

BuzzFlash Hypocrite of the Week

April 11, 2008

John Wayne

Welcome back to the Buzzflash GOP Hypocrite of the Week.

Why are we bestowing our first posthumous honor? Blame it on Glenn Greenwald's "Great American Hypocrites: Toppling the Big Myths of Republican Politics."

As we point out in our review of Greenwald's new book, it is tailor made to support our five years of awarding weekly awards to GOP Hypocrites.

Greenwald pegs the modern origin of GOP hypocrisy as beginning with the glorification of a chickenhawk: John Wayne.

During WW II, when many Hollywood stars such as Jimmy Stewart and Henry Fonda volunteered for military service, the "Duke" evaded getting drafted with vigor. Ironically, he became an icon of American military and cowboy swagger by playing such roles on the screen while not having the courage to fight in combat.

As we wrote in our review of Greenwald's book, "Wayne is the archetype of 'patriotic' packaging over reality that the Republican 'communications' consultants excel at." In this case, Hollywood was the perfect vehicle for pole vaulting a mythic image over a hypocritical reality.

Ronald Reagan was a contemporary of John Wayne's -- and followed the same path of celluloid image and script-reading ability triumphing over a lack of personal courage in the military.

Wayne was also a boozing thrice-married philanderer who objected to scripts that he felt didn't pass "his moral code" of decency for America. It was a moral code that he didn't personally abide by, but that's the Republican way: self-righteously flagellate us with slogans about values, but drive their lives forward on the low road.

So thanks to Greenwald for pointing out how Wayne led the way in creating more than 50 years of a Republican mythological universe belied by the reality of personal failings.

For that "accomplishment," John Wayne is posthumously honored with this week's BuzzFlash Wings of Justice Award.

Remember our motto: So many Republican hypocrites, so little time.

Catch up with you soon.

* * *

This is the first HOTW Award for John Wayne. Welcome to the Club.

DEN said...

The Duke? draft dodger?

Say it ain't so.

Hajji said...

Depressing day...

In India, the AVERAGE wage earner works one half a day to buy 2kg of rice.

Hydroelectric dams in the Amazon basin produce more GHGasses per watt than if they were burning coal.

Consumers are losing the lopsided, direct competition with "E85" producing Oil companies who are still recording record profits while Joe Sixpack spends more of HIS time workin' just to GET to work.

...and now, the "Duke" loses his star-spangled luster...

Fckitall, I'm going to feed the dogs (hopefully non-toxic), "wall-mart brand food, drink a couple shots of dehydrated barley product, (roasted over peat, an important, but rapidly dissapearing carbon sink) and read a silly Tom Dorsey book (by the light of a mercury-poisoning CFL) about the ridiculous Florida shore-line culture, which will all soon be under 25 meters of mostly lifeless ocean, (at least, that's how high it was 3million years ago, the LAST time global temps were 3-degrees higher) sometime in the next hundred years when our great-great grandchildren will STILL be gettin' blowed up in some politically-charged wasteland for no reason but the ego of politicians and the continued larders of resource Robber-Barons who put them there with the fervent support of chest-thumping, flag-waving Joe Sixpacks, not entirely unlike me.

-Sweet Dreams....

-T

DEN said...

Hajji, thanks for that bit of enlightenment.

Beer thirty here too.

I prefer a beer addled version of reality as well. (who ever thought reality would get this bad?)

Toast: to all the diligent hard work that went into making this brew so damn good, bottoms up.