Friday, April 18, 2008

Friday Funnies





14 comments:

DEN said...

Mark Fiore

DEN said...

"This is the day after tax day, of course. See, this is the day that unites people, I think. It's a day when wealthy Americans with money from big cities are just as bitter as Americans in small towns who are broke." --Jay Leno

"The White House held a big dinner tonight honoring the pope, but the pope chose not to attend. He didn't attend the dinner. I think President Bush was a little hurt. In fact, he said today, 'You know, after the trouble we went through to prepare a kosher meal." --Jay Leno

"Anyway, when the pope arrived at the White House, he was given a 21-gun salute. That's got to make Barack Obama a little uncomfortable. Guns and religion, you know, that kind of thing. Get a little bitter. I don't know about that." --Jay Leno

"Actually, one really embarrassing moment, you see this on the news? When the pope blessed the crowd with holy water? Well, some of it splashed on Dick Cheney, burned his skin." --Jay Leno

"Now, you may have seen this earlier on the news. Did you hear what President Bush said to the pope after his speech today? This is an exact quote. I'm not changing it. He said, 'Awesome speech, your Holiness.' That's what he said to the pope. See, he didn't want to say 'dude,' because it was a formal affair." --Jay Leno

"Anyway, happy birthday to the pope. 81 years old today. You know what's amazing? Think about this. The pope is younger than Hugh Hefner." --Jay Leno

"Did you see the pope's plane land yesterday? I think it's called, was it 'Shepherd One'? Is that the name of the pope's plane? 'Shepherd One'? And he's also German, isn't he? ... So that would make it 'German Shepherd One.'" --Jay Leno

"A big debate earlier tonight in Philadelphia between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. So we'll finally find out if it's a City of Brotherly Love, or if they're going to go with the old white lady." --Jay Leno

"According to the latest Gallup poll, Barack Obama has the largest lead of the year so far over Hillary. He's up by 11%. Yeah. You thought Hillary was drinking before. Well, now she's really knocking 'em back." --Jay Leno

"And, of course, Hillary Clinton continuing to attack Barack Obama. Hillary says Barack is an elitist who thinks he's smarter than most people. Is that a bad thing? Wouldn't it be nice for a change to have a president that's actually smarter than most people? Shouldn't that be one of the qualifications for the job? That you're actually smarter than most people?" --Jay Leno

"And today, John McCain said he disagrees with President Bush on the issue of climate change. And believe me, McCain knows what he's talking about on this subject. Of all the presidential candidates, he is the only one who's actually lived through an ice age." --Jay Leno

"Actually, I think President Bush starting to change his opinion on global warming. Today, he announced an initiative to combat global warming. Again, I don't think he really understands the issue. He says his first act would be to order the Department of Energy to start drilling for solar power." --Jay Leno

"According to a survey by the History Network, 98% of professional historians believe that George W. Bush's presidency has been a failure. The other 2% believe it was a total disaster. So, you could go either way." --Jay Leno

"It was so nice here in New York City that Barack Obama could not find anyone who was bitter. Just that nice."

"Earlier tonight, there was another debate. It was Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton debating. And they've been doing this now a year and a half, and Hillary, honestly, is getting a little desperate. So before the debate, she sneaks over to Barack Obama's podium, honest to God, and buries a Michael Dukakis jersey." --David Letterman

"The pope is in the United States. Flew in to Washington, DC. Hillary Clinton declined to meet pope at the airport. You know, she was worried about sniper fire." --David Letterman

"And coincidentally, today is the pope's 81st birthday. Isn't that remarkable? 81st birthday, yeah. President Bush greeted the pope, and he knew it was his birthday, so he gave him a gift card to Big and Tall Hats." --David Letterman

"And at the White House, this was great. The pope was greeted by a 21-gun salute, 22 if you count Cheney. Ka-boom!" --David Letterman

"Now think about this ... the pope [is] 81 years old, and he's going to be saying a mass at Nationals Stadium in Washington Thursday, and then on Sunday, he'll be saying a mass at Yankee Stadium on Sunday. And I'm worried about that Sunday Mass because the pope will be doing that one on two days' rest. What a schedule. And right after the mass at Yankee Stadium, the pope goes down to Madison Square Garden and administers the last rites for the Knicks" --David Letterman

"Even though it was his party, the pope did have to make a speech in which he praised America's freedom of religion and afterwards, President Bush showed why he is, and always will be, the funniest president in history [on screen: Pres. Bush telling the pope he gave an 'awesome speech']. Well, if you missed it, what he said there, he said, 'Thanks your Holiness, awesome speech.' Thanks your holiness, awesome speech. Now, I'm surprised he didn't give him a high-five. When did the president actually become Will Ferrell's impression of him from 'Saturday Night Live'?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Bruce Springsteen announced on his website today that he's endorsing Barack Obama for president. Which means, Obama now has Oprah and Bruce, and all he needs to complete the triumverate is Judge Judy, and he has this whole thing sewn up." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Before we begin, I need to clear the air. Last night, I had Michelle Obama on the show, and I said this [on screen: Colbert telling M. Obama she would be Jackie O. if she were to become First Lady]. And I stand by that statement. But in the interest of being fair and balanced, I think Cindy McCain would also make an excellent Jackie O. And so would Bill Clinton. As long as Chanel comes in plus size." --Stephen Colbert

"Pope Benedict is in America! Wooo! He hath done it! [on screen: photo of Pres. Bush and Pope Benedict]. Here he is being greeted by President Bush, the leaders of the two most powerful theocracies in the world. I personally have trouble telling them apart. They're both infallible. They both did some things when they were younger that they wish people would forget. One was a cheerleader, the other Nazi youth. It's a fine line." --Stephen Colbert

"Today, the pope headed to the White House for what was actually the largest White House event in history. It was great. ... Let's finally hear from the pope. The voice of God's emissary on earth, the golden tones of goodness and purity, the very sound of virtue and righteousness [on screen: excerpt from the pope's speech at the White House 4/16]. I've got to tell you, even benevolence doesn't sound good with a German accent [speaking in a German accent]: I want to bless the children! You will not deny God's love! Nein! Nein! Nein! We must be compassionate people. Are you listening to me? Schultz! Never one to wear out his welcome, the pope wrapped it up and quickly received some thoughtful feedback from President Bush [on screen: Pres. Bush telling the pope he gave an "awesome speech"]. I gotta to tell you, bro. That sh*t was tight. You totally crushed it, dude" --Jon Stewart

micki said...

Across the globe, empty bellies bring rising anger

Read and weep.

DEN said...

Talk about a downer, starving people trump humor any time.

DEN said...

Help Barbara Boxer to tell the chimp his global warming speech and action stinks!

DEN said...

Mukasey dishonesty update

There are several updates in the ongoing fallout from Michael Mukasey's patently false claims made in the speech he delivered several weeks ago in San Francisco regarding FISA and the 9/11 attacks. This week, Mukasey responded to a letter he received from John Conyers and two other Subcommittee Chair in which Mukasey acknowledged (because he was forced to) that the call he claimed originated from an "Afghan safe house" into the U.S. was fictitious, but he nonetheless vaguely asserted that his underlying point -- that FISA unduly restricted pre-9/11 eavesdropping and prevented detection of those attacks -- was somehow still accurate.

In the reply sent on Mukasey's behalf (.pdf), the DOJ claimed that the telephone call did not originate from Afghanistan but from another country he refused to identify, and further claimed that the call Mukasey was referencing was discussed in the Joint Inquiry Report -- which, as I noted when I first received the same explanation from the DOJ, reached the opposite conclusion of the one Mukasey was trying to advance: namely, that Report concluded that the Bush administration had all the authority it needed under FISA to intercept and investigate any such calls, and its failure to do so had nothing to do with any supposedly excessive constraints imposed by law.
Glenn Greenwald

Saladin said...

Obomba's slogan should be "The More Things Change, The More They Stay The Same!"

http://www. spacewar. com/2006/080417013745. 9xjfrb7s. html

Obama, Clinton pledge to defend Israel against Iran

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania, April 16 (AFP) Apr 17, 2008
The Democratic White House hopefuls vowed Wednesday to defend Israel against any Iranian attack but differed on how to engage the Islamic republic over its nuclear ambitions.

At a televised debate ahead of next Tuesday's Pennsylvania primary, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama agreed that a nuclear-armed Iran was unacceptable.

Both called for diplomacy but Obama went further in renewing a promise of "direct talks" at a leaders' level with Tehran, along with other US foes.

Iran should be presented with "carrots and sticks," the Illinois senator said, while stressing "they should also know that I will take no options off the table when it comes to preventing them from using nuclear weapons or obtaining nuclear weapons."

"We cannot permit Iran to become a nuclear weapons power," Clinton said, ruling out any summit talks and condemning President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for raising doubts about who really carried out the September 11 attacks of 2001.

But the former first lady said "we've got to begin diplomatic engagement with Iran" at a lower level of officialdom than Obama's preference for top-level contacts.

"And we want the region and the world to understand how serious we are about it," she said. "The (President George W.) Bush policy has failed.

Iran has not been deterred."

Obama earlier pledged to Jewish voters here that he would do his utmost to help Israel fend off any regional threat, as he criticized ex-president Jimmy Carter for seeking to meet with Hamas leaders.

At the debate, he said: "An (Iranian) attack on Israel is an attack on our strongest ally in the region, one whose security we consider paramount.

"That would be an act of aggression that I would consider unacceptable and the United States would take appropriate action."

Clinton, whose New York senate seat represents a high proportion of Jewish voters, was more categorical.

"And we will let the Iranians know that, yes, an attack on Israel would trigger massive retaliation," she said.

"But so would an attack on those countries that are willing to go under the (US) security umbrella and forswear their own nuclear ambitions."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Democratically elected leaders are "terrorists" if Israel and the US disapprove, and Obama will bomb you back to the stone age if you disagree! Israel's nuclear ambitions, though secret and not subject to inspection or even question, are beyond reproach. We know this for a fact because they have said so!

Change indeed.

DEN said...

Let me see now, "massive retaliation" or "take appropriate action", let me see, which would I prefer?

I'll have to think about that one some more, I'll get back to ya.

Slow pitch, low and inside, steeeerike one!

DEN said...

Now I know why I hate Budweiser.

Cindy(blonde)McPain owns the brewhouse! No wonder she won't release her tax forms.

Ludicrously rich!

Re-Pugweiser

DEN said...

Budweiser:

B-utt
U-gly
D-angerous
W-easles
E-vil
I-nfested
S-tinking
E-xcrement
R-epugs

DEN said...

Friday Funnies dammit!

Nobody else funny?

Don't make me have to do another one, maybe Halliburton.

DEN said...

OK you asked for it.
Halliburton

H-azardous
A-uthoritarians,
L-owdown,
L-arcenous,
I-nfamous,
B-unch of
U-ber
R-uthless
T-otalitarian
O-il
N-azis

DEN said...

Colbert from last night is good, probably at u tube by now.

Edwards, Obama and Clinton were all on separate times to keep fighting to a a minimum.

Good guffaws and ho-ho's from start to finish.

DEN said...

Party safely, I'm gone.