Friday, April 25, 2008

Friday Funnies





15 comments:

DEN said...

Mark Fiore

DEN said...

"The primary race is dragging on and on and on. But the Democrats are trying to put a good face on it, they're confident, they say now, absolutely they will have a nominee for president by McCain's second year in office. So there. They're ready to go." --David Letterman

"Hillary, very confident, says she is ready for the 3 am phone call, and McCain says he is ready for the 3 pm nap." --David Letterman

"But it was a big victory for Hillary Clinton, talk about your back to the wall, there, I mean my gosh, and she wins by 10 points and so now, it went crazy at the celebration. Did you see what she did? She downed a shot and fired a gun in the air. It was crazy." --David Letterman

"Hillary was so happy, and you could see it in her face, she was thrilled during the victory celebration, here's how happy she was, she even let Bill bring a date." --David Letterman

"In her victory speech last night, Hillary Clinton repeatedly used the words, 'fight,' 'fighter' and 'fighting.' Then Hillary said, 'But enough about my marriage.'" --Conan O'Brien

"John McCain, no one talks about John McCain anymore because he won his side of the thing, and now he's just wandering around. He's just wandering around, nobody's talking about him. So he's trying to do things to get press, this week John McCain is on a tour of what he calls 'Forgotten Places in America.' Forgotten places, yeah. Which, at his age, means just about everywhere." --Conan O'Brien

"It was a big night of celebration for the Clinton camp, but they still face some serious money problems. Even in her victory speech last night, Hillary pretty much begged people to go to her website and contribute. If only she knew a very wealthy former president who made $30 million for his autobiography." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Well, congratulations to Hillary Clinton. She won the Pennsylvania primary by more than 10 points. In fact, Barack Obama got beaten so badly, today he offered Hillary the spot of vice president." --Jay Leno

"Hillary was thrilled that she had a double-digit victory. Bill said he hasn't seen Hillary this happy since before he married her." --Jay Leno

"Well, even though she won yesterday, Hillary Clinton's campaign now -- $10 million in debt. $10 million in debt, and, ironically, her big issue: I can handle the economy." --Jay Leno

"Well, earlier this week, all three presidential candidates made appearances on the WWE's "Monday Night Raw." How many think having candidates for president appear on a wrestling show cheapens the political process? How many think the wrestling show was cheapened by having the candidates on?" --Jay Leno

"And Monday night, President Bush made a surprise appearance on the TV show 'Deal or No Deal.' Yesterday morning, first lady Laura Bush was a guest host on the 'Today' show. I understand tomorrow, Vice President Dick Cheney is set to play his own evil twin on 'Days of Our Lives.'" --Jay Leno

"And John McCain is now beginning a campaign to try and attract African-American voters. Now, McCain says that although he never marched with Martin Luther King, he did march with General Sherman through the South during the Civil War. So that's got to count for something." --Jay Len

"Last night was the 42nd Democratic contest in their continuing best 2,025 our of 4,049 delegate playoff. By the way, this is the semi-finals. The winner, of course, goes on to face the Republican winner Senator John McCain, who spent last night, most likely, giggling like a gorilla watching a cat play with string while resting his aching balls in a chilled bowl of Howard Dean's tears." --Jon Stewart

"I'm no pundit, I'm no political expert, but here is the problem with what the Democrats are doing. They're spending too much time attacking one another, and not enough time trying to rig the election. That's the problem." --David Letterman

"Hillary, God bless her. She is a campaigner, and you know, she is trying to convince the people in Pennsylvania that she's a hunter. So she's been campaigning all month in Pennsylvania. Yeah, she's a hunter. So she shows up at campaign events wearing her beaver pelt pantsuit." --David Letterman

"And this is great. She's been trying to convince the voters in Pennsylvania that she is pro-gun. I was thinking about this. Come on. If she was really pro-gun, Bill would be dead." --David Letterman

"Earlier this morning, Hillary Clinton, this is true, said she will stay in the presidential race even if she loses the Pennsylvania primary. She also said she'll stay in the race even if she loses the nomination and November's election. She's not going anywhere." --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary, she went all out. She pulled out all the stops to win in the state of Pennsylvania. The other day, this is true, Chelsea Clinton tried to help her mother attract the gay vote in Pennsylvania by visiting several lesbian bars. ... And Bill Clinton visited several lesbian bars, too, but he wasn't campaigning. He was actually just there anyway." --Conan O'Brien

"Political experts say that Barack Obama is attracting mostly younger voters, while Hillary Clinton is attracting much older voters. They may be right, because today John McCain said he's voting for Hillary." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush now has the highest disapproval rating of any president in the history of disapproval ratings, or approval ratings. 70% Of Americans disapprove of the job he's doing. That's even worse than Nixon, right, before he left office? So way to go, Mr. President. It goes to show you with hard work and determination, you can accomplish anything." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Of course, all the presidential candidates seized on the pope's visit. And people are speculating which presidential candidate is most like the pope. And it's hard to say. I mean, you got John McCain, he's the old guy. He's closest to God. Barack Obama is the elitist. He's holier than thou. And, of course, Hillary who is married to Bill Clinton, and who has forgiven more sin than Hillary? How do you pick one?" --Jay Leno

"Former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, working on a new book about his strategy for the war in Iraq. The book just came out, we have a first copy here. It's called, 'Don't Blame Me. It was Cheney's Idea.'" --Jay Leno

"Also in Washington this week, President Bush named a new HUD chief. Bush says he wants to reverse the direction of HUD. Now, if you reverse HUD, you get 'duh.'" --Jay Leno

DEN said...

A Chinese primary school teacher and a beautician have filed a suit against CNN in New York over remarks they say insulted the Chinese people and are seeking $1.3 billion in compensation -- $1 per person in China, a Hong Kong newspaper reported.


The case against the Atlanta-based cable channel, its parent company Turner Broadcasting and Jack Cafferty, the offending commentator, comes after 14 lawyers launched a similar suit in Beijing alleging that Cafferty's remarks earlier this month violated the dignity and reputation of the Chinese people....


In New York, Liang Shubing, the beautician, and Li Lilan, a Beijing-based elementary school instructor, claimed Cafferty's words insulted all Chinese people and "intentionally caused mental harm" to the plaintiffs, the Ta Kung Pao newspaper reported on Thursday.

@ HUFFPO

Tort reform needed, hmmmm, lets see melamine infested pet food resulting in dead pets, lead tainted kids toys, cheap crap goods, monk killing, COMMUNISTS!

Thank you corporate America for without your relentless pursuit of profit none of this would exist.

.

Saladin said...

This isn't of a comical nature but it IS a very cool 3 1/2 minute musical animation.

Enjoy

The Fantastic Music Machine

DEN said...

Tell President Bush to Fight Global Warming!

Recently, President Bush delivered what was billed as a major speech on global warming. But rather than staking out a set of ambitious goals for America to strive for, the President argued that the United States should do nothing about global warming until 2025.

With global temperatures increasing, ice caps melting, and sea levels rising every day, President Bush's proposal fails miserably. He needs to get the message. That's why I'm going to deliver a petition to the White House later this month, demanding that President Bush join the fight against global warming. And I want your name on it.

Please join 26,953 Americans and sign my petition today!

Barbara Boxer

Sign here.

David B. Benson said...

First dandelions yesterday.

First tulips just beginning to blossom today.

Also, 12 more flakes of snow...

Saladin said...

Now for some comedy!

Fun With The NSA Using Mad Libs!

David B. Benson said...

Dafodils just started blooming.

Another gross flakes of snow...

DEN said...

Doc, counting snowflakes?

You need a hobby or something.

Just sayin

David B. Benson said...

Den --- The point was that there wasn't much snow.

But it was snow.

Anyway, about your first cartoon, is somebody going to form The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Airline Passengers?

Hajji said...

Here,

Dogwoods, Azaleas, Gladiolas...in short, EVERYTHING!

The difference between when I left for PA and when I got back...5 days only...

GREEN!

Even the most cautious of the many varieties of Oaks are now sprouting a full head of leaves. I'm keeping vigil on the little "Pin Oak" I kept when clearing out the brush that was Jill's "yard". Last year an army of Orange Striped Oak Worms tried to make a salad of it. I've got a supply of Bacillus thuringiensis that'll give the little buggers bellyaches this year!

Interestingly (and disgustingly) the oak worms are usually detected by the sound they create when their rapid digestion. It is the sound of their fecal pellets hitting the ground (not entirely unlike the sound politicians make) that first draws one's attention.

...but no snow flakes...not for a long time.

-T

Hajji said...

...and I just heard on "NOW" that the BEST H.S. students in the lower 25% of family income attend college at the same rate as the WORST students in the highest 25%...

...what's wrong with America in a nutshell...and why it is doomed...

Hajji said...

The people with the Obama campaign who were intimating that Wright shouldn't do "Moyers" outta be making about 200 million DVD copies of the interview to give out...

Wright is likable, intelligent and anything but "radical".

IN CONTEXT and from the horse's mouth...but the MSM won't play it that way!

-T

DEN said...

Zee media vill tell you vat to tink.

DEN said...

Achtung! Gesundheight!