Friday, May 09, 2008

Friday Funnies











.

24 comments:

DEN said...

"Very tough night for Hillary Clinton, as you're aware. Hillary Clinton says she isn't dropping out, 'cause there are still six states that haven't had their Democratic primary. That's right. Barack Obama's favored in the states of Oregon, Montana and South Dakota, and Hillary is favored in the state of denial." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of Hillary, this week on the campaign trail, 'cause she's talking a lot, all the candidates are talking about their past. Hillary Clinton told supporters her first job was as a babysitter. Meanwhile, Bill Clinton told supporters his first time was with a babysitter. So it worked out." --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama soundly beat Hillary Clinton in North Carolina by 14 points. And in Indiana, Hillary Clinton won. So you know what this means? No, neither do I. And I don't care anymore. I'm fed up. ... I don't care who wins. Can we end this stupid thing?" --Jay Leno

"Well, you know what's interesting. The experts say, if you do the math, there's no way Hillary Clinton can win the nomination. And today, Hillary responded by saying, 'People who do math are elitist.'" --Jay Leno

"You know, they use that word a lot in the election, 'elitist.' Here's my question. Didn't elite used to be a good thing? I mean, if you were elite, didn't that mean the best? 'Oh, no. We don't want anybody who's elitist. God forbid we should have decent people doing this.' And they say the Clinton campaign is out of money, and today, Republicans said, 'How much do you need?'" --Jay Leno

"Yeah, not looking good for Hillary. Today, even Yogi Berra said, 'It's over.'" --Jay Leno

"And you can tell Barack Obama is feeling confident. Did you see what he did this afternoon? Did you see what he did today? He went bowling with his former pastor, Reverend Wright. ... That's confidence." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton said, in an interview with George Stephanopoulos Sunday night, that Rush Limbaugh has always had a crush on her. What is it with the Clintons and their magical power over chubby people? What is it? Chubby people can't resist them." --Jay Leno

"President Bush has offered to help Myanmar. I guess it used to be called Burma. That's where they had that terrible cyclone, where thousands of people were killed as the country was hit by a devastating cyclone. In fact, Bush offered to help the country under one condition, 'Don't tell New Orleans." --Jay Leno

"This thing just grinds on and on. Barack Obama won in North Carolina. Hillary Clinton barely won in my home state in Indiana, and again, we're hearing that the Clinton campaign is in financial trouble. They need money, desperately need money. And as a matter of fact, to raise money, earlier today. Hillary Clinton entered a wet pantsuit contest." --David Letterman

"Hey, you know who is getting married this weekend? One of the Bush sisters. Jenna Bush is getting married this weekend at her father's place in Crawford, Texas. And this is no surprise: the $2 billion ice sculpture contract went to Halliburton." --David Letterman

"But it's a big deal. I mean, when there's a family wedding, I mean, it's great, isn't it? Everybody gets in the big family wedding spirit, and everybody is helping out with the big Jenna Bush wedding. As a matter of fact right now, right now, Dick Cheney is waterboarding the groom." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton have been campaigning very hard. And now it's down to the wire. In fact, they're pulling out all the stops. This is the latest. The other day at a campaign stop in Indiana, Barack Obama lost a game of pick-up basketball to a 14-year-old. It's true. Meanwhile, across town, Hillary Clinton single-handedly defeated the entire women's field hockey team." --Conan O'Brien

"Bill Clinton is doing his part, too. Yeah, he's everywhere. Yesterday in North Carolina, former president Clinton gave a campaign speech for Hillary while standing on the back of a pickup truck. True. And like all the speeches Bill Clinton gives in the back of a pickup truck, it began, 'You have beautiful eyes.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush is busy, meanwhile. President Bush celebrated Cinco de Mayo at the White House last night. Si. ... And he said, 'We consider ourselves fortunate that Mexico is a friend and a neighbor' Very nice, yeah. Then Bush said, 'And by 'neighbor,' I mean the kind who climbs over your fence and never leaves.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush held a big Cinco de Mayo dinner celebration last night at the White House. He praised the people of Mexico who come here to do the jobs the Americans don't want to do, as opposed to the people of India, who are doing the jobs Americans did want to do, but can't, of course, anymore." --Jay Leno

"Hey, President Bush's daughter Jenna is getting married this weekend. There'll be 200 guests at the wedding, which, according the latest polls, means that 140 of those people at the wedding disapprove of the job President Bush is doing." --Jay Leno

"The government started mailing out those rebate checks. You get 600 bucks, plus $300 for every child you have. Finally, some good news for those Texas polygamists." --Jay Leno

"And Indiana and North Carolina held their primaries today. But the Democrats are now saying that Hillary and Barack could be battling for the nomination well into June. Now, aren't they acting more and more like Republicans? Neither one of them has an exit strategy, you know?" --Jay Leno

"How about the presidential Democratic campaign, the primaries? Whoa, are you kidding me? I mean, today they're in Indiana. My home state. And also North Carolina. And then, after that, they go to Canada. And then after the Canadian primaries, they go to Europe. They do the European [primaries], and the election is still three years away." --David Letterman

"I am fascinated by the strategy that both candidates employ from time to time. For example, in Indiana, Hillary Clinton is going after the blue collar vote. That's right. The blue collar vote. And so she's been drinking beer, driving a pickup truck, and earlier today she was at a construction site hooting at chicks. 'Hey, hey, baby!'" --David Letterman

"Gas killing you? The price of gas? They're talking about $10 by Labor Day. Honest to God, $10 a gallon. Hillary says that she supports now a summertime gas tax holiday. I don't know what that means exactly, but I will tell you I'm in favor of a holiday that does not involve relatives. Are you with me on that?" --David Letterman

DEN said...

Mark Fiore

DEN said...

Not funny: Oil at $126.58

Don't even try to dump your four wheel lump now, nobody is buying.

DEN said...

First we inspire everyone to buy big huge gas pig SUV's, then we jack the price of gas through the roof!

DEN said...

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand
how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the
same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.'

'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to
unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit
out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not
getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the
shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a
briefcase.

micki said...

TAKE ACTION. Global warming and PUBLIC HEALTH

Hajji said...

I'm feeling tired, today...

Don't know whether it is some bug or just exhaustion.

I DO know that I spoke to a few hundred people in NC last weekend who are also somewhat tired of the Primary season. Almost to a person, those who said they'd be voting for Clinton OR Obama, said they'd be supporting (at least voting for) Whomever became the nominee.

Along the way, I talked to some Obama staff who are already engaged in a "50-State Voter Registration Drive".

This drive is being spearheaded by some of the folks who brought us a record number of voters the polls in the SC Primary and who signed up hundreds of thousands in PA.

I tell this because of the unbelievable number of people who said that they wanted to get "started" and would be "involved" in the general campaign.

The registration drive and stops in general election swing states may be seen by some to be a premature strategy on the part of teh Obama campaing, but I believe that such action benefits ANY democratic candidate no matter what happens between now and the general election.

"We've got a lot of work to do between now and November," is what I heard over and over again while knocking on doors of democrats and independents in NC, regardless of candidate choice.

While nobody wants to short-circuit the process, I hope a balance between moving forward toward November and settling the differences and winning the support of ALL voters.

Micki's right, in a way, that the contest should be played out...after all, you don't stop the basketball game when one team's up 20 points with 2 minutes to go.

You DO however stop the intentional fouling that draws the game out, inflames emotions and causes unnessesary injury to the victor's chances to go on to win the championship.

I believe that is where we are, now. Time to let the benches into the game to trade some 3-point shots, let the clock tick down and TRY to forget the flagrant fouls from the 1st half during the handshakes and high-fives.

-T

David B. Benson said...

Can't kick the driving habit?

Kick the oil habit and make your own ethanol

for about $10,000 and then $1 per gallon.

micki said...

Continuing the sports metaphor....


ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL -- Referee Hajji Hodge saw The Big O commit several fouls during last week's campaign, but couldn’t bring himself to blow the whistle. As with many refs, Hajji explains, "I just have too much respect for Big O to call a foul on him...I just find it tough to do."

“It's really not preferential treatment,” said Hajji. “He’s just a nicer person than his opponent. He plays the game the way I like it to be played, so I just step aside and let him play. He makes me feel good. Ya know what I mean?"

Hajji cited a recent incident that makes him really admire Big O.

“Big O charged into town and knocked over his defender who had her nutcracker legs -- and those thighs! -- planted,” Hajji explained. “Big O made an offensive foul, no question 'bout it. I started to blow the whistle on him. Then I thought what a great guy he is, how he thrills me so, and said to myself, "not this time".

Hajji explained that Big O's detractors sometimes complain about the preferential treatment he receives from the referees and other officials and the media, but Hajji claims those privileges are earned through years of hard work and team play -- on the right team, that is -- so if his detractors want to complain, they should just get the hell out of the game and leave the court to Big O, who said he has worked for this kind of change since Day One of his career.

“When you’ve been working for change as long as I have and you’ve reached this level, partly because few refs are willing to cry foul, you’re gonna get the benefit of the doubt. It's how it works now,” said Big O. “I don't feel guilty about it at all. I remind myself that I'm Big O, the Agent of Change and Hope. People just downright adore me for that, whether I'm playing a good game or not."

Big O said he is sick and tired of all the whining about officiating double standards.

“These whiners who blame the referees for everything make Michelle want to puke. Well, me too, but that's off the record,” he said. "If you don’t want to get called on a foul, don’t play legitimate defense against me. Here's the way it is, ya can’t get whistled unless you’re close to me, you know, like in my general vicinity. So get out. It's that simple.”

Big O said he will blame the referees in November, but only if he loses. If he wins, the referees will be given staff positions in The Court of Big O.

Hajji said...

Well, gosh...

On second thought, keep in the starters in the game, aim for the knees and run up the score...

What in the WIDE, WIDE, WORLD OF SPORTS are you talkin' about Micki?

I saw no "fouls" during last week's campaign and I sure didn't have anything to say about the scorched-court campaign from Team Shrillary... Hell, she didn't even let anybody her cry in public!

What part of "Cracktown" is it where you get your rocks? I suggest a more reputable vendor...

To make a graceful exit, one must actually have a little grace. I guess, judging by the tone of the continuing cutthroat Clinton campaign, we'll not be seeing any of THAT!

Apparently we'll not be seeing that from you, either.

kisses,

-T

p.s. Obama Now Takes The Lead in Superdelegates Too
_______________

That's, like NINE Supers yesterday and today and Hillary's defectors are like getting TWO!

Seriously, get out and register a bunch of people to vote, it'll make a body feel GOOD!

David B. Benson said...

I'll suggest getting voters out with the slogan

Kick the rascals out!

Substituions for rascals may be in good order...

micki said...

Hajji, calm down! For gawdsakes, it's a joke! My attempt at a little satire. You write shit; I write shit. For fun.

I know your guy has it. I don't care. I vote none of the above!

Hajji said...

Yeah, well there's nothing to suggest your "satire" is anything but a lame-assed attempt to call me a hypocrite.

You write "shit" only to incite anger, to be a bitch.

You've won...you're the queen!

Take a victory lap, perch your tiarra on your regal head and PLEASE have your hormone therapy adjusted...soon.

more kisses,

-T

micki said...

Oh, boy.

I never intended to call you a hypocrite. Where you got that is a mystery to me.

Maybe I don't know sports jargon well enough to write satire using that as my theme.

My point was: Both sides of supporters cry FOUL at the drop of a hat, but the "refs" on Obama's side decided to turn the other cheek and give him a pass. Also, all this talk that Hillary is ruining his chances is something I've never bought into -- it is my opinion that the hard-fought race has been good for the "process" including his campaign.

So...hence the reference to blaming the "refs" if he loses. IT WAS A JOKE!

But, now I know for certain you're a nasty mysogynist.

David B. Benson said...

Children!

Play nice now...

Seriously, this method of communication leaves much to be desired.

Was it Mark Twain who wrote "If I had had more time I would have written a shorter letter"?

Hajji said...

"But, now I know for certain you're a nasty mysogynist."

Gosh...it was only a JOKE!

I guess your gooses recieve preferential treatment over your ganders. Your kettles shine but your pots don't gleam...

I never intended and far be it for me to opine...and gawd knows nobody'd EVER mistake YOU for some kind of LADY!

kisses upon kisses,

-T

Hajji said...

...and furthermore, while I wouldn't ask for it because there are some, for some bizzare reason here who worry about "offending" the Queen, I am certain that a show of hands would agree with my perception of the bit of "shit" you squeezed out here today.

I've extended a hand to you, both in this public forum and privately more than once. I've found agreement with you on several levels, and expressed that I respect your opinions. I've let your jabs slide by, in a spirit of detente so that a more civil conversation might be enjoyed.

I can see that you're not interested in such.

I DO hope you reconsider voting...sour grapes make for bitter wine.

David B. Benson said...

After all, some polls show McShame ahead of BHO in voter's minds.

There will be a lot of work to be done, IMHO.

Hajji said...

Pillipe Sands, international legal expert on Torture, and California nurses' try to get better healthcare...tonight on Bill Moyers' Journal.

MICKI said...

“I have only made this letter longer because I have not had the time to make it shorter.”

Blaise Pascal, (1623-1662) Lettres provinciales.

Not that the story need be long, but it will take a long while to make it short.

Henry David Thoreau

If I had more time, I would have written a shorter letter.

Marcus T. Cicero

You know that I write slowly. This is chiefly because I am never satisfied until I have said as much as possible in a few words, and writing briefly takes far more time than writing at length.

Karl Friedrich Gauss (1777-1855)

It is my ambition to say in ten sentences what others say in a whole book.

Nietzsche

The more you say, the less people remember. The fewer the words, the greater the profit.

Felelon

No one who has read official documents needs to be told how easy it is to conceal the essential truth under the apparently candid and all-disclosing phrases of a voluminous and particularizing report….

Woodrow Wilson

“If you want me to give you a two-hour presentation, I am ready today. If you want only a five-minute speech, it will take me two weeks to prepare.”

Mark Twain

micki said...

I never said I wouldn't vote. There are more than two options.

Funk & Wagnalls said...

de taunt: a sarcastic challenge or insult

Jeanne said...

Sure is a lot of kiss'n going on here.

Jeanne said...

I'll agree with Micki about one thing. Everything in this country has to be explained in a sport like fashion or the media is afraid they won't get ratings. It's a sporting event. I was watching tweety bird (whatever his name is) and he talked like he was on the sidelines of a football game. He was shouting his comments. He talked about plays and maneuvers. And what's the candidate going to do now? And what's the opponents next move? I'm surprised he didn't pull out the wipe board. When do they start really focusing on the issues? The media has a responsibility to ask the tough questions and get some answers.

Another thing the tweety bird group including that dipstick Tucker Carlson were talking about all the smack the media knows about the candidates and how they are going to wait for the right moment and start spreading it around. What the hell? I don't care about Whitewater. Haven't they figured out that was a NON ISSUE yet? It's just bs and I'm sick of it.