Friday, May 16, 2008

Friday Funnies








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26 comments:

DEN said...

"Senator John Edwards endorsed Barack Obama for president of the United States. Wow! Wow. He is going to need more than two Americas to hide from Hillary Clinton. Well, with that endorsement, I believe the Obama camp has won the support of its first white male." --Stephen Colbert

"Hillary Clinton won the West Virginia primary with nearly 70% of the vote. That's a lot. Yeah, apparently Hillary would've gotten even more votes from the West Virginians, but on the way to the polls, some of their houses got a flat tire." --Conan O'Brien

"Well, after Hillary won the West Virginia primary, she held a campaign rally and she said, this is a quote. 'It's not over and I will never give up.' Yeah. And she flew off on her broom and said, 'And I'll kill your little dog, too!'" --Conan O'Brien

"John McCain, of course, no one is really paying attention to him right now, but he's everywhere, trying to get attention. Yesterday on 'Live with Regis and Kelly,' John McCain showed one of his baby pictures. That was nice. Yeah, the picture was on loan from the Museum of Natural History. Yeah, it was beautiful. It shows him discovering fire and bringing it to the village." --Conan O'Brien

"I don't know if Barack Obama's getting tired or what, but in a recent speech, Barack Obama made a mistake. He said he had visited all 57 states. Yeah, that's what he said. Yeah, after hearing this, President Bush said, 'Haha, he forgot Alaska and Hawaii!'" --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, on the campaign trail, Hillary Clinton gave a speech. She said, this is a quote, 'A woman is like a tea bag. You never know how strong she is until she's in hot water.' That's true, yeah. Then Hillary pointed to her husband and said, 'And a man is like a douchebag.' ... I can't believe she said that." --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton, big blowout in West Virginia's primary tonight. Yeah, she's the big winner in West Virginia. Which means that one day, she could be president of West Virginia." -Jay Leno

"You know, Hillary's campaign [is] $20 million in debt. $20 million, which proves, if anything, she could be president." --Jay Leno

"In fact, money is so tight in her campaign, I understand today, she was wearing a rented pantsuit." --Jay Leno

"Well, you know what's interesting? Political experts say Hillary Clinton will soon have to face the moment of truth. That's what they called it today, 'the moment of truth.' I love politics. They campaign and lie to us for six months, but we only get a moment of truth. Why can't we have a little more truth?" --Jay Leno

"And you know this talk about vice president. You've heard this rumor going around. George Stephanopoulos on ABC said that Hillary would accept the vice presidency, but under certain conditions. Like, if Barack Obama was to get really, really sick. Maybe then." --Jay Leno

"Actually, Barack Obama slipped up this past week. You know, this campaigning, it's endless, it's hard. Like, in an interview, he said he campaigned in all 57 states. That's what he said. But, see, they all make mistakes. Like Hillary Clinton, the only two states she knows are Florida and Michigan. John McCain, he still thinks there's only 13 colonies." --Jay Leno

"Have you heard about this? This is kind of an interesting idea. In a move they say could revolutionize politics, John McCain and Barack Obama said they might campaign together, go out together. Yeah, they're going to bill themselves as 'Ebony and History.' No, but they would go out and they would debate each other on the road. You got the older, grumpy white guy, and you got the young, smooth-talking black guy. Doesn't that sound like the premise for the worst sitcom of all time? Coming to NBC, it's 'Grandpa and the Brother!'" --Jay Leno

"And President Bush announced this week that he will go to Saudi Arabia and meet with King Abdullah. That's got to be nerve-wracking for President Bush, huh? Being called to the carpet by the big boss." --Jay Leno

"With all the problems we have going on right here, how many think it's a mistake for him to leave the country? I'm curious. How many think the mistake is him coming back?" --Jay Leno

"To give you an idea how low President Bush's approval rating is right now, at his daughter's wedding last weekend, he wasn't in any of the photos. You know that? 'Can you step aside? Excuse me, excuse me, can you move out of the picture?'" --Jay Leno

"Jenna Bush and her husband, Henry Hager, are honeymooning in Europe right now. That's what they're doing. And President Bush is nothing if not consistent. Like he said, there's no timetable for bringing him home. That's what he said. They're not bringing him back any time soon." --Jay Leno

"Henry Hager, he was good in Van Halen. I liked him." --Jay Leno

"You know President Bush actually cried at his daughter's wedding? Did you see that in the news? ... I haven't seen a grown man cry like that since Bill Clinton realized Hillary might be coming home a lot sooner than he thought" --Jay Leno

"How about this economy, ladies and gentlemen? Doesn't it stink? And we're really starting to notice it, because in the beginning it was sort of like, okay, a little bit here. But we are really starting to notice the effects of a sour economy in this country. Over at St. Patrick's Cathedral, they're watering down the holy water. Honest to God. That's right. It's only 60% holy now." --David Letterman

"And you're not going to believe this. In Times Square today, honestly I saw a hooker in Times Square ... wearing a sign that read, 'Will accept economic stimulus checks.'" --David Letterman

"Here's the thing that troubles me. I mean, win, lose or draw, at the end of the day, the bottom line, cut to the chase, it's a lot of money. It's a lot of money to elect a president, don't you think? Really it's an awful lot of money. Hillary Clinton's campaign right now, this very minute, is $20 million in debt. Now, when she gets that 3 a.m. call, it's from a collection agency." --David Letterman

"But they're not even pretending. Hillary Clinton is so broke now, and this is true, some friends of mine spotted her, in the middle of the night last night, at a laundromat, honest to God, with a hamper full of pantsuits" --David Letterman

"Big Democratic primary in West Virginia tonight. Hillary, of course, has long been predicted to win by 20 to 30 points. This is great news. No, Clinton will not catch Obama in the popular vote. And yes, Obama now also leads in superdelegates. But the contest will continue. And Nation, this is what the American people want, and I know that because I read it today in today's 'USA Today,' which ran this headline: 'Dems say let the contest continue,' just above this much smaller headline, 'But more say Clinton should quit, polls show.' Well done, 'USA Today.' Thank you for reminding us that this historic primary has not become a manufactured battle, reported long past its relevance in a bald-faced effort to sell newspapers. It is what the people want. Just not most of them" --Stephen Colbert

"Congratulations to Hillary Clinton. She was the big winner in West Virginia last night, with 67 percent of the vote versus 26 percent for Barack Obama, who hasn't had numbers that low since the last time he went bowling." --Jay Leno

"You can tell Hillary was kind of pandering to voters in West Virginia. Like today, she promised if elected, she would impose a heavy tax on anybody with teeth." --Jay Leno

"No, but, hey, give her credit. Hillary Clinton is living proof of the American dream. Think about it. If you work hard and really put your mind to it, you can watch someone else become president." --Jay Leno

"More bad news for Hillary. Just a few hours ago, John Edwards announced he will be endorsing Barack Obama. Well, the rumor is that Barack Obama promised him, if elected, he would offer him the cabinet position of Secretary of Shampoo and Highlights." --Jay Leno

"Although, Hillary Clinton was quick to point out Dennis Kucinich still has not endorsed anyone yet. Still on the fence there. I don't want to say Hillary is doing badly in the delegate count, but she's so far behind, her Secret Service code name is now NBC." --Jay Leno

"And according to a survey in U.S. News & World Report, 32 percent of Americans think John McCain is too old to be president. When they told John McCain about this, he said, 'Huh?'" --Jay Leno

"And the Energy Department said today that gas prices will peak next month at $3.75 a gallon, which surprised a lot of people. We actually have an Energy Department? Hey, where is it?" --Jay Leno

"Howard Dean on the show tonight. Now, anybody here from Florida or Michigan? All right. You can't be seated. You'll have to leave. I'm sorry. It's the Democrats' ruling." --Jay Leno

"No, Howard Dean was once the biggest Internet phenomenon until that 'Leave Britney alone' guy came out." --Jay Leno

"Where is President Bush? Well, I'll tell you where President Bush is today. President Bush is in Israel. That's where he is today. He is there looking for kinishes of mass destruction." --David Letterman

"You know who was in town this morning? John McCain. Do you like John McCain? He was on the 'Regis and Kelly' program this morning. And I don't know, maybe he was tired. I don't know what the deal was. He seemed a little confused. He kept calling Regis 'Maury.'" --David Letterman

"Here's the reason, the day before, John McCain was in the Pacific Northwest, and one of the things he did, he strolled through a redwood forest, took a nice, long walk through a redwood forest, and you know what, folks? He was the oldest thing in the forest." --David Letterman

"Hillary won big in West Virginia, Hillary won big. But here's the thing, her campaign is broke. They're out of money. $21 Million in debt. That's a lot of money to be in debt running for president, you know. And here's how desperate it is. Today, Hillary is so broke, she was shopping at Bob's Discount Pantsuits." --David Letterman

DEN said...

Mark Fiore

DEN said...

Snopes

Hi All, I checked with Norton Anti-Virus, and they are gearing up for this virus!
I checked Snopes (URL above:), and
it is for real!!
Get this E-mail message sent around to your contacts ASAP.
PLEASE FORWARD THIS WARNING AMONG FRIENDS, FAMILY AND CONTACTS!
You should be alert during the next few days. Do not open any message with an attachment entitled POSTCARD,or any other name as listed at Snopes regardless of who sent it to you. It is a virus which opens A POSTCARD IMAGE, which 'burns' the whole hard disc C of your computer.

This virus will be received from someone who has your e-mail address in his/her contact list. This is the reason why you need to send this e-mail to all your contacts It is better to receive this message 25 times than to receive the virus and open it.

If you receive a mail called' POSTCARD, or any listed subject listed at Snopes' even though sent to you by a friend, do not open it! Delete it or treat it as spam and tag it as such.

This is the worst virus announced by CNN. It has been classified by Microsoft as the most destructive virus ever. This virus was discovered by McAfee yesterday, and there is no repair yet for this kind of virus. This virus simply destroys the Zero Sector of the Hard Disc, where the vital information is kept.

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Saladin said...

DEN, I just read the Snopes article about this virus, the end says "NOTE: Readers should take particular care not to confuse the real postcard/greeting card virus with a number of virus-related hoaxes that have been circulating for several years. A variety of messages forwarded by well-intended people to warn others about the Postcard virus contribute to this confusion by including within them links to our article about the "Virtual Card for You" hoax (or by mistakenly incorporating elements from that hoax into their warnings).

Other versions of the postcard virus warning erroneously combine it with elements of the Invitation virus hoax:

Get this E-mail message sent around to your contacts ASAP. PLEASE FORWARD THIS WARNING AMONG FRIENDS, FAMILY AND CONTACTS! You should be alert during the next few days. Do not open any message with an attachment entitled 'Invitation' OR ONE CALLED 'POSTCARD,' Regardless of who sent it to you. It is a virus which opens an Olympic Torch OR A POSTCARD IMAGE, which 'burns' the whole hard disc C of your computer. This virus will be received from someone Who has your e-mail address in his/her contact list. This is the reason why you need to send this e-mail to all your contacts. It is better to receive this message 25 times than to receive the virus and open it..

And then "Snopes lists all the names it could come in..

Although the Postcard virus is real, it isn't a "BIG VIRUS COMING" (it's already been around in multiple forms for a long time now), it will not "burn the whole hard disc" of your computer, CNN didn't classify it as the "worst virus" ever, and it doesn't arrive in messages bearing a subject line of 'Invitation"

Just thought I'd clear that up. Thanks for getting it out there, that's a tricky one, I've clicked on e-cards and luckily nothing bad happened, I won't be doing THAT again!

Saladin said...

Now, in honor of the ongoing celebration of the 60TH Anniversary of the Israeli Murder and Mayhem in Palestine I give you this news item:

Terrorist Lesson #22, How To Effectively Terrorize Children And Toddlers, And Have Fun Doing It!

Israel Terrorizes Gaza
With Inhuman Sonic Booms

By Charles E. Carlson
5-15-8


Recent disclosures of the Israeli practice of sonic bombing of the 1.3 million fenced in and captive people in the Gaza Strip may take the award for the meanest trick yet. Israel's pilots fly made in the USA F-16 Fighters low and fast, deliberately breaking the sound barrier over sleeping people. Gaza is an island of children, four or five per family. Why terror? Because most people in Gaza have seen or felt death by explosive bombing.

America's churches could end sonic bombing and other deliberate practices of starving and torturing the Palestinians overnight. Religious junkets to Israel are probably Israel's biggest and most profitable tourist industry. Ending religious tourism in Israel is logical. God would seem to forbid supporting those who torture children, some of whom are Christians. Evangelicals should stop talking about their obligations to Israel long enough to listen to Jesus.

What would Jesus say about terrorizing the little children? The diabolical meanness of the bullyboy, sonic bombers defy comprehension. The children of Gaza are used to being bombed with real bombs that blow off limbs and crush families under the debris. Most children in Gaza know shooting and bombing victims, so the sonic bombings play on the fear that is already present. In my brief and never to be forgotten few days in Gaza city, I saw and heard the sounds of real nighttime assassinations, the bombing launched from right overhead, from USA gifts of Apache helicopters.

It is a universal practice of the bully to accuse the little kid of just what the bully is guilty of. Dr. Eyad Sarraj, Palestinian psychiatrist in Gaza City, chain smoked as he spoke to me in March 2002 about the Gazans. He spoke of the traumatizing of the children. Dr. Sarraj has for years run a modest mental health clinic in Gaza City. To him the children were the unseen victims, many scarred for life.

Last week Dr. Sarraj, speaking of sonic bombing, told author Laila El-Haddad,

"Although it is not lethal, it can lead to death indirectly, of unborn children, it can lead to highly traumatizing effects on children particularly, and adults too."

Israel usually bombs at night when the children are asleep, elevating the terror with the darkness that surrounds them. In September of 2005 Israel removed the 21 settlements housing a scant 6000 Israelis in Gaza, which made Sonic-bombing possible. Israel would never terrify its own citizen's children with sonic bombs. But once the squatters were gone, 1.3 million residents of Gaza were no longer protected by the presence of the Israelis scattered about Gaza.

Can an evangelical pastor imagine himself, stripped and beaten by soldiers in front of the wife and children? How can a pastor lead a flock of lavish spending 'Christians" on a five star posh tour of Israel when sonic bombing torture is going on?

Why Don't Followers of Jesus forgo travel to Israel?
Answer: No one has suggested they stop! No one has challenged them, picketed them, confronted them
~~~~~~~~~~
WOW! Breaking the sound barrier in an F-16 while terrifying children in the middle of the night! They must be so proud.

David B. Benson said...

Warm enough today, finally.

A t-shirt on a chemistry student read

If you are not part of the solution

then you are part of the precipitate

David B. Benson said...

Vucan Chaiten still erupting, it seems:

Aumenta actividad volcán chileno, pueblo cercano bajo lodo

And the town about 90% flooded to finish things off...

DEN said...

AHEM!

It's in Spanish Doc.

Me no speak e Spanola

David B. Benson said...

Den --- My Spanish is rather rusty, but just follow along and you'll find that even if you "don't speak Spanish" you'll actually acquire something from it. (Advice given me years ago by a linguistics professor.)

Or, if you must, there are free automated translators available on the web. Feeding the article through one of those ought to produce a broken-English version.

Anyway, I already wrote the main points (assuming you already knew that the govenment obtained a court order and with that required all the residents to leave).

David B. Benson said...

Den --- First Spanish lesson:

I don't understand Spanish.

No entiendo el español.

from

Free Translation Online

DEN said...

Doc, checkout Yahoo Babelfish:
Here

Web page translation: Here

David B. Benson said...

Den --- Nifty. The BabelFish translation certainly provoked smiles and chortles. :-)

Thanks for the laughs.

DEN said...

Doc,

It IS Friday Funnies after all.

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David B. Benson said...

You can go green if you have to:

Alaska's capital goes green after avalanche cuts power lines

David B. Benson said...

What is happening in Palestine is a great and tragic wrong.

Hebron is a ghost town where joggers carry automatic rifles

DEN said...

It is not apartheid, it is insanity.

And we paid for it.

DEN said...

More Funny

DEN said...

Must balance the blog to avoid an imbalance that might upset the balance of the blog and send people screaming from it.

David B. Benson said...

Den --- That's a good funny!

Actually, the Secret Service costs the taxpayers billions, not mere millions...

DEN said...

The Onion humor-O-plenty

DEN said...

keep dozing off.......

Alan said...

haha The PNAC web site has been abandoned. An omen? The neo-cons are going to be extinct soon.

www.newamericancentury.org/

Saladin said...

Thank you Mr. Benson, that was an excellent article. When the people of the west finally get the facts of what is being done in their name with their money things may change. We did it with South Africa, but they didn't have the propaganda money machine AKA AIPAC, financed by we the people, to back them. But evil is evil, no matter how much money you have.
DEN, you can't run from this, it enslaves us, even if we don't realize it.
DOOFUS alert, the neocons are not a website. They have been around from the beginning, they just change names, and when this incarnation goes down, as they always do, it will be back with a new name, because the people forget their history, it's more pleasant that way.

Alan said...

This is a good article. It also portends the death of the neocons, or at least points out their total failure.

An Unnatural Disaster


"In a month of horrific natural disasters . . . it's instructive to consider what one of the biggest unnatural disasters in memory looks like. That is the decline in America's position in the world from where we were when George W. Bush inherited power on Jan. 20, 2001, to what he will bequeath to the next president eight months from now. . . .

"The issue goes way beyond Bush's decision to invade Iraq in the middle of the war in Afghanistan. U.S. government literally broke down during the Bush years. The interagency process was destroyed as Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld set up what was effectively a 'black' alternative government. . . . The White House treated its coequal branch, Congress, like an interloper (to the annoyance of Republicans as well as Democrats). Junk science infected the policy-making apparatus on key issues of importance to our allies in Europe and Asia, like global warming. Junk legal reasoning by White House and Justice Department lawyers was used to publicly justify torture, decimating our once high moral stature around the world. Junk economics--an excess of free-market fervor--infected the Federal Reserve and other regulators, who slumbered while Wall Street ran amok selling fraudulent mortgage securities to foreign markets. Congress went to sleep while the administration ran up record deficits. . . . The Department of Homeland Security, misconceived and oversized even at its birth, grew into an unmanageable monstrosity, leading directly to the disaster of the Hurricane Katrina response. . . .

"But what was most unnatural of all about what we Americans did to ourselves was that we missed the grand opportunity staring us in the face. September 11 was an awful day, but in strategic terms it had a silver lining. The sympathy that the rest of the world sent our way post-9/11 was not just good fellowship, it was a recognition that virtually every country around the globe faced the same kind of threat. This was an extraordinary chance for American leadership to renew itself at a time when the international community was adrift. . . .

"Instead precisely the opposite happened."

Alan said...

pretty unique 'toon... it has sound

bush's sacrifice

Alan said...

See the WHOLE clip of o'reilly melting down, including the intern he's talking with