Friday, May 23, 2008

Friday Funnies


DEN said...

"While campaigning in Kentucky, Hillary Clinton stopped at a drugstore and bought a pair of reading glasses. It's true. Yeah, then she picked up a newspaper and said, 'Holy crap, I got to drop out of this race.'" --Conan O'Brien

"This week, Barack Obama, true story, campaigned on an Indian reservation, and the tribal chief adopted him. Yeah, adopted him, part of the ceremony. The Indians actually prefer Obama to John McCain, because they still remember when McCain took their land." --Conan O'Brien

"While Barack Obama was visiting the Indian reservation, this is also true, the chief gave him the Indian name 'Black Eagle.' Then the chief admitted that his Indian name is 'Big Chief Lazy Nicknamer.' 'Black Eagle, I don't know! Don't ask me how I came up with that!'" --Conan O'Brien

"Well, the Democratic primaries are almost over. Next month, one of the last Democratic primaries will be held in the state of Montana. ... Barack Obama was expected to win the support of Montana's black voters, but they both moved to Idaho." --Conan O'Brien

"Well, last night, the Democrats had their primaries in Oregon and Kentucky. Do you know what that means? Nothing. It doesn't mean anything. You know, this election is like a bad NBC show. You can't believe it's still on the air." --Jay Leno

"Well, as expected, they both won one last night. It doesn't mean anything. Barack Obama won Oregon, and Hillary won big in Kentucky. She beat Barack, what, 65% to 30%? Or, as they call it down South, a double-wide margin." --Jay Leno

"Actually, this is a tremendous victory for Hillary. Beause now that she's won Kentucky, of course, she can now move on to the Belmont Stakes." --Jay Leno

"And while in Louisville, Kentucky, they showed Hillary on the news at a mall, trying on three or four different pairs of reading glasses with the tags hanging down. Apparently, she's having trouble seeing the handwriting on the wall." --Jay Leno

"Actually, did you hear Hillary's new campaign slogan? 'Hell, no, I won't go! Hell, no, I won't go!'" --Jay Leno

"And then John McCain unveiled his new slogan. 'Hey, you, get off my lawn!'" --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, Barack Obama visited the Crow Nation, where he was formally adopted into the tribe and given his own Indian name. His Indian name is 'One Who Helps People Throughout the Land.' Hillary Clinton also given an Indian name. 'Lady Who Doesn't Know it's Over.' And of course, John McCain was given an Indian name, 'Man who fought with Custer,' I believe. There is still a little animosity." --Jay Leno

"As I understand it -- and I'm no political pundit -- but the way people explain it to me, is Hillary Clinton is still in the primary, and still contesting the race, and still winning delegates, but she has no chance of getting the nomination. That's like a team after the World Series is finished. They continue to show up at the stadium." --David Letterman

"But anyway, the bad, the sad thing here is she's in debt. The Hillary Clinton campaign, $21 million in debt. Yup. That's right. And so now, when she gets that 3am phone call, it's a loan shark." --David Letterman

"But Hillary is ready for the big Puerto Rico primary. She plans to campaign in a skimpy, two-piece pantsuit." --David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton is expected to win in Kentucky. Barack Obama is expected to win in Oregon. And John McCain is expected to win at bingo. So everybody wins." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of Barack Obama, yesterday, Barack Obama visited an Indian reservation. And I don't know if you heard about this, the chief adopted him and gave him the name 'Black Eagle.' That's true, yeah. The chief also gave Hillary Clinton the name 'Runs Even After Losing.' Good name." --Conan O'Brien

"The White House has announced that next month, President Bush will be making a trip through Europe. He's gonna travel all through Europe, yeah. President Bush says he's really excited to go to Europe, because he's never seen a kangaroo." --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary has been trailing Barack Obama, but the one thing you have to love about Hillary, she is an optimist. She is nothing if not an optimist. She is the kind person that sees the pantsuit as half-full." --David Letterman

"But don't discount this Hillary, because she's nothing if not shrewd, also. These people, they are professional politicians. Don't ever forget that. Don't ever forget that. Hillary has a back-up plan. First, nothing but superdelegates. Remember when we heard all about the superdelegates? ... Well, now she has another back-up plan to get to the White House. She's going to marry John McCain." --David Letterman

"Well, I guess she won today. We don't have the official tally yet. Today's primaries in Kentucky and Oregon. So you had the Bluegrass state, and the primo grass state." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton campaigned extensively in Bowling Green, Kentucky, over the weekend. Barack Obama did not campaign in Bowling Green. He doesn't do well in any place with the word 'bowling' in it. Anywhere with 'bowling,' he is out of there." --Jay Leno

"And I tell you, Hillary knows how to appeal to those voters. Like, she promised the people of Kentucky, if elected president, she would lower the price of pay-per-view wrestling fifty percent." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama spoke before 75,000 people at a rally in Oregon. 75,000. That's the equivalent of 75,000 Ralph Nader rallies." --Jay Leno

"On Sunday, Hillary Clinton attended a church service at a church, a Methodist church in Bowling Green. She just went to the church there. It just so happens the minister gave a 60-minute sermon on adultery. Yeah, she had to sit through a 60-minute sermon. And here's the really embarrassing part. Right after the minister finished, Bill stood up and gave a 20-minute rebuttal" --Jay Leno

DEN said...

Mark Fiore

DEN said...

Hey! where is everyone?

Early start on the weekend?

Ran everyone off?

Just Spike and I to hold down the fort.

More donuts for us!

DEN said...

Buzzard bait?

Sen. Hillary Clinton, in defending her decision to continue running for the Democratic nomination that almost certainly will go to rival Sen. Barack Obama, reportedly invoked the shooting death of Sen. Robert F. Kennedy in 1968.

"My husband did not wrap up the nomination in 1992 until he won the California primary somewhere in the middle of June, right?" Clinton said to the editorial board of the Sioux Falls, S.D. Argus Leader. "We all remember Bobby Kennedy was assassinated in June in California.

"I don't understand" the calls to exit the race, she added.

The Obama campaign responded to Clinton's statement, saying, "Sen. Clinton's statement before the Argus Leader editorial board was unfortunate and has no place in this campaign."

Clinton later apologized for the remark, saying, "I regret that if my referencing that moment of trauma for our entire nation and in particular the Kennedy family was in any way offensive. I certainly had no intention of that whatsoever."

Sensitivity to even the humorous suggestion of assassination in this campaign season has been high, particularly in regard to Sen. Obama. Former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee found that out recently when he kidded about Obama ducking a gunman, a spontaneous quip he later apologized for.

Of all the dumbass, stupid things to say! Think, if anything happens to BIG O, she would be the first place they would look for motive.


David B. Benson said...

Contango conditions in crude oil futures market.

That means the majority thinks the price has only one direction to go: up!

David B. Benson said...

Pesticides: Germany bans chemicals linked to honeybee devastation

Should U.S. do this as well?

DEN said...


DEN said...

Time to imbibe.

Carey said...

I wasn't surprised by Hillary's remark. Everyone is sooooo taken aback. She's been implying this the whole time for God's sakes.

"Something might happen." Your mind didn't go to what that something might be, press and public? Cuz mine sure did.

Carey said...

I've been sitting in my new place just looking at it.

I'm pleased with no buyer's remorse. That's nice.

DEN said...

I'm happy you're happy, hows Brandon liking it? New school?

Carey said...

We're just moving over the hill. Brandon loves it. He has a bigger room with his kind-of-own bathroom.