Friday, May 30, 2008

Friday Funnies





18 comments:

DEN said...

Mark Fiore

DEN said...

"Yesterday, Barack Obama was speaking to a Jewish group, and he told them that his name Barack is the same as the Jewish word 'baruch,' which means one who's blessed. That's what he said, yeah. Obama had a harder time explaining his middle name, Hussein. Things got quiet there" --Conan O'Brien

"Of course, a lot of people now are starting to talk about who Barack Obama will choose as his running mate. That's now what everyone's discussing. This is the latest, folks, true story. Time magazine says that former President Bill Clinton is pushing very hard for Barack Obama to choose Hillary as his vice president. Yeah. Yeah, Bill says Hillary would be a great vice president, or a great ambassador to any country that's far, far away." --Conan O'Brien

"John McCain's in the news. Earlier today, John McCain released 1,200 pages of his medical records. Or, as his doctor calls it, Chapter One." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of McCain's medical records, John McCain's doctor says that McCain's service in the Vietnam War is unlikely to have any affect on his health. I think that's great. Yeah. However, the doctor says that McCain's health might be affected by his service in the Civil War. ... A slight musket wound in the toe." --Conan O'Brien

"John McCain today made public his medical records. It was a huge document, almost 1,200 pages long. More than 84 pages on his ear hair alone. ... I guess somebody went through it. He's in great shape. Doctors say he could potentially live all the way through 2010. So that's good news." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Hey, good news for John McCain. He announced this week he had his best fundraising month ever. $18.5 million. That, plus what he gets from Social Security, so that works out." --Jay Leno

"I guess McCain is scheduled to meet with three possible vice presidential nominees this weekend at his home. The candidates are very excited to go. They say the only downside -- they hate it when he keeps pushing that bowl of ribbon candy on them. 'Try the butterscotch.'" --Jay Leno

"The only other uncomfortable thing about McCain's household is plastic on the furniture." --Jay Leno

"Well, actually, on the news, they stress that these vice presidential meetings were only preliminary. And before any final decision is made, they say that McCain will sit down with his senior advisers. His senior advisers? The guy is 71. What, are they from the Millard Fillmore administration?" --Jay Leno

"And McCain released 1,200 pages of medical documents this week, to prove that he is healthy. 1,200 pages to prove he's healthy? Man. Man, how many does Dick Cheney have? My God!" --Jay Leno

"And when speaking in Montana, Barack Obama got a standing ovation when he said, 'It is time to take back the country.' The bad news: he was on an Indian reservation at the time." --Jay Leno

"Earlier this week, Vice President Dick Cheney gave the commencement speech at the Coast Guard Academy. He was given a 19-gun salute. And two Coast Guard members were slightly injured when Cheney returned fire." --Jay Leno

"According to the financial forms, President Bush has actually lost money while he's been in the White House. But he says he will get it all back and much more, once the Nigerian businessman he's dealing with on the internet transfers the money into his account" --Jay Leno

"47 years ago this weekend, John Kennedy pledged to put a man on the moon. 47 Years ago. ... That's right. And not to be outdone, earlier today, President Bush pledged to put a man on Condoleezza Rice" --David Letterman

DEN said...

Why it's important to understand English

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to
the currency exchange window at the local bank. I stood in the short
line.

Just one lady in front of me . . . an Asian lady, who was trying to
exchange yen for dollars, and she was a little irritated. She kept
asking the teller, 'Why it change?? Why it change?? Why it change??'

Then she continued, 'Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I
get ony hunat eighty dolla?? Why it change?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, simply and carefully,
'Fluctuations.'

The Asian lady glares at the banker, 'Fluc you white people, too!'

micki said...

LIEBERMAN-WARNER GLOBAL WARMING BILL -- FIX IT OR DITCH IT!!!!

David B. Benson said...

McCain & Bush


Auk! Auk!

Carey said...

All this discussion of what tomorrow might bring. I think not much. Not yet.

It is someone's birthday tomorrow.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY EVE, Densters!

I just noticed I can pass on Ron Brownstein's columns now. He's the rather solid and absolutely neutral political analyst. Here he is.

HILLARY'S CHOICE


She can nurture hopes of winning the White House, or she can make a lasting legislative mark.

micki said...

DEN -- Regarding you yen exchange story: Did you know there is a Japanese banking crisis?

The Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of improving. If anything, it's getting worse.

Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, today Sumo Bank went belly up. Bonsai Bank plans to cut its number of branches. Karaoke Bank is ripe for takeover and will go for a song.

Shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived; and Karate Bank chopped 500 employees from its payroll. Analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

micki said...

Are you going to DENNY'S for your B-day celebration?

HAPPY DAY!

Hajji said...

Den,

This "Big Hoppy Monster" is for you!

Hippo Birdie 2 Ewes!

-T

Hajji said...

BIG HOPPY MONSTER

Your birthday is...BITTER! I'll now cling to my guns and the church of FSM (at least until the light of morning!)

-T

DEN said...

Moons Over My Hammy, Dennys?

MMMMMMM! Good!

DEN said...

Hajji, MMMMM I'd hoppily try that! Thanks!

Not for sale on the left coast tho, drat!

David B. Benson said...

I'll tipple to that.

Hoppily...

Carey said...

Sometimes David, you are downright funny.

DEN said...

I like the Japanese banking crisis!

I was told once that "You will get old if you live long enough."

And I figure suicide is no option cause there is no future in it.

Hang around and shrivel up like a raisin, whoopee!

Hops are it for REAL pleasure in whats left of life, that and riding. (but not at the same time)

DEN said...

Some tunes from down there in Hajjiville to entertain.

Drinks on the side, pickled eggs in the corner, pool table in the back room, rack 'em!.

Dig in!

Hajji said...

Den,

Chuck's quite the wise choice.

I heard his "Dangerous Times" today, on the way home from my (kicking and screaming into 1990's technology) computer class.

Malcolm Holcombe, one of the first singer/songwriters I encountered after moving here, (he was opening for Leon Russell at the Handlebar, where "Drinking Liberally" meets) has been getting quite a bit of attention, regionally and nationally, latelally.

If you get a chance to see him perform live...make sure and ask him how the bird HOUSE building's coming...

Interesting fellow...painter of delicate, abstract, beautiful, gruff, word pictures framed in many shades of authentic Blues.

You've probably passed him on the street, somewhere, never knowing his genius!

-T

DEN said...

11 hours later....

Catch Malcolms tunes here

Hey Time to wake up!!!