Friday, June 06, 2008

Friday Funnies








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17 comments:

DEN said...

1st Dog, Barney writes a tell all book too.

DEN said...

"Folks, this is it. Final clearance. All Hillary Clinton jokes must go tonight. Everything must go." --Jay Leno

"Well, congratulations to Barack Obama, who secured enough delegates last night to get the nomination. Congratulations to him. Hey, Hillary Clinton is still not conceding her campaign, because she says there's still a chance of the vice presidency. In fact, she's going to offer it to Barack one last time." --Jay Leno

"So that's the big question on everybody's mind. What does Hillary want? Of course, the bigger question is, who's going to tell her she can't get it?" --Jay Leno

"Well, according to sources in Hillary's camp, Hillary Clinton says she is open to being Barack Obama's running mate. Here's my question: How can she ask him for a job when she won't admit he's the guy that's going to be doing the hiring?" --Jay Leno

"During her speech last night, you know, Hillary kept referring to Barack as 'my friend, my friend.' You notice, every time she called Barack 'my friend,' she said it in the same tone as when she calls Bill, 'my husband.'" --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama reportedly tried to call Hillary Clinton twice last night, and got her voice mail both times. Got her voice mail. Doesn't that sound like a bad breakup? 'I tried to call her, she wouldn't pick up.' Apparently, Hillary only answers the phone at 3:00 a.m." --Jay Leno

"Actually, Barack Obama also tried to call John McCain, but McCain had the TV up so loud, he couldn't hear." --Jay Leno

"Now that Barack Obama's going to be the nominee, it shows you how far we've come in this country. Think about this. When a black man named Barack Obama has just as good a chance to blow a sure thing election for the Democrats as white guys like John Kerry and Al Gore, that is progress." --Jay Leno

"And Bill Clinton is lashing out at the writer of a 'Vanity Fair' article that came out this week. Did you hear about this? You know the one that accuses him of numerous affairs? Where do they get this crazy stuff? Anyway, Clinton called the writer, and I quote, a sleazy, dishonest, slimy scumbag. Scumbag, which surprised a lot of people. Normally you don't hear Bill Clinton talk like that. Oh, sure, you hear Hillary talk like that to Bill." --Jay Leno

"Oh, and in his speech last night, John McCain said we must get off of fossil fuels. See, that's why a lot of people admire McCain. That's why he's considered such a maverick. Here you have a fossil, coming out against fossil fuel." --Jay Leno

"What a day here in New York City - the weather, it's 71 and hazy, kind of like John McCain." --David Letterman

"It's 67 and gloomy, like Hillary Clinton." --David Letterman

"The Democratic primary is over. Who wants to tell Hillary? Hillary lost, and she said today, I'm not going anywhere, I've already purchased my inaugural pantsuit." --David Letterman

"So she's here to stay. Hillary is taking it pretty well, I think. She actually said she's looking forward to spending more time with Chelsea, Bill, and Gina Gershon." --David Letterman

"But, you know, people are now talking about the ticket, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. Would that be a good ticket? Would you folks like that ticket? And I think this would be the first, if you think about it, first combination of an African American man and a white woman since, well, Michael Jackson." --David Letterman

"Hey, are you folks like me? Do you like drama in outer space? Well, maybe you know about this - the International Space Station, and there's Russian cosmonauts up there right now, and for the last month, the toilet has been busted. Yeah, you're laughing now, and just about now, people down in Houston are on the horn, talking to the Space Station saying, 'Did you jiggle the handle? Try jiggling the handle.' But don't worry about this: Halliburton is sending up a $2 billion plunger." --David Letterman

"There's no denying it, last night was truly historic. For the first time in the history of American politics, John McCain stayed up past 7:00 p.m. At McCain's rally, well over a dozen people electrified the atmosphere. After the third chant, they forgot his name" --Stephen Colbert

"Before we even get started, Barack Obama, of course, wrapped up the nomination last night. That's the big story. And now that Barack Obama is the Democratic nominee, Americans are going to have to choose between the 46-year-old Obama and the 71-year-old John McCain. That's the choice. In other words, it's a choice between the Hillary-defeater or the Wal-Mart greeter." --Conan O'Brien

"There's been a lot of speculation about John McCain's possible running mate. Experts say he wants someone who's not afraid to attack Barack Obama. That's who he's looking for, yeah. Which explains why McCain has decided to pick Hillary Clinton" --Conan O'Brien

"The big news today is that Democrats finally seem to be in agreement that Barack is the Obama-nee." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Hillary Clinton will concede the race on Friday, which should make for a fun weekend for Bill." --Jimmy Kimmel

"You have to hand it to Bill Clinton, though, because he says no matter what she decides, he said he's 100% behind Hillary. Duff." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Of course, everyone is wondering now if Obama will ask Hillary to be his running mate. Obama actually tried to call her last night, and got her voicemail twice. I guess she only takes calls at 3:00 a.m. It was also probably hard to hear the phone over the sound of over her husband weeping." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Ladies and gentlemen, we've often heard the phrase 'all good things must come to an end.' But very rarely do you hear the phrase that f***ing tedious things must also end. And last night, after the 53rd and 54th episodes of the long-running Bataan Death March to the White House, we finally reached our conclusion [on screen: news coverage of Obama being named the presumptive Dem nominee]. And so it is that Barack Hussein Napoleon Pol Pot Obama now has a chance to become the first African-American president since season 1 of 24 [on screen: photo of Dennis Haysbert playing David Palmer of '24']. Oh, Dennis Haysbert." --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)

"Congratulations to Senator Obama. Obviously, there's the issue, though, of his opponent's concession [on screen: Clinton speaking 6/3 and saying she won't make a decision that night]. Yeah. I'm not sure you're understanding this whole election thing. ... This isn't a nuclear launch where both people have to turn the key." --Jon Stewart

"Senator, last night wasn't really about you! But I'm sure that that sentiment will eventually be reflected in your remarks [on screen: a montage of Clinton's 6/3 remarks in which she talks about herself and not Obama]. But enough about my Hillary Clinton web site. What does your website say about me? [on screen: Clinton talking about how pundits said she was out of the race long ago]. Boooo! Nay sayers, always with their saying of nay. Those pundits never gave you a chance, ever. Ever, ever, ever, ever. Roll track tape [on screen: montage of pundits talking in 2007, saying Clinton is absolutely going to be the Democratic nominee]. News pundits. They're like the dopplerless weathermen of our times." --Jon Stewart

"Big news. Last night, the Democrats held their final two primaries, and after the dust settled, one thing was clear: Barack Obama is the presumptive nominee, and Hillary Clinton is going all the way to the White House! You know what, folks? I gotta to say, I admire Hillary. Instead of conceding, the senator used last night to connect with her supporters [on screen: clip from Clinton's 6/3 speech in which she urged her supporters to go to her website and comment on what she should do going forward]. Well, I am certainly not one to pass up an invitation to share my opinion. ... Let's see here, let's see. 'Dear Hillary. Do not stop until all is blood and ash. Become death destroyer of world. Stay strong. Stephen.'" --Stephen Colbert

DEN said...

Reporters traveling with Barack Obama were none to happy to find out he was meeting with Hillary Clinton last night, as they were about to take off in a candidate-less plane from Washington’s Dulles airport.

The traveling press pool spent at least five minutes grilling Obama spokesman Robert Gibbs about the meeting, and the campaign’s unwillingness to send at least a reporter or two along with Sen. Obama.

Now the presumptive Democratic nominee, Obama should be treated the same way as the president — never being without at least a few pool reporters traveling with him.

“If the president goes bike riding, we go with him. If he goes out to dinner or goes to visit a friend three blocks up the road, we go with him in the motorcade,” one reporter told Gibbs. “That’s the expectation in a general election, and that’s the way it’s been with previous candidates.”
@ RAW
...................................

Sniff, sniff, we got ditched, sniff!
Video of the snivelers sniveling.

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DEN said...

Now for the NOT funny.

Dow dove 395 points and oil went up 11 bucks/bl.

According to a cult dude in TX the Nukes will fly next Thursday, so don't make plans that day.
@ RAW once again.

David B. Benson said...

Here is another not funny

James Hansen says we need to lower CO2 to 300 ppm

DEN said...

Combustion is our enemy!

Stop burning stuff to make stuff go, figure out a cleaner way, form a committee, do something.

Otherwise we will suffocate in our own excess.

Saladin said...

OH PLEASE! And people call ME a doom and gloomer. Have any of you guys been reading the weather reports lately? La Nina and solar activity, or lack thereof, trumps CO2, earth makes a fool out of humans every time!
Now, THIS is funny, or you may decide it isn't, either would be correct.

Jon Stewart Indecision 5768

Or, can the presidential candidates shove their heads up Israel's ass any further? Go Jon!

Here's a question, just what were Hillary and Obama doing in Northern Virginia at the same time as the Bilderberg's were having their little soiree? Seems Obama's office doesn't really want to talk about that. Even the ever so sensible liberal Wonkette calls Bilderberg "creepy." That's an understatement if I ever heard one. HHHMMMMM says I.

DEN said...

Bilderbergs? Link please.

DEN said...

Never mind, I found it.

David B. Benson said...

Saladin --- You aren't enough of a doomer-n-gloomer.

You're simply a Mayfly, flittering about and around the current weather.

It'll start being lots warmer and drier next year.

And still nobody will have done much about it...

David B. Benson said...

Doom-n-gloom:

Water crisis to be biggest world risk

Somewhere there is a similar story just regarding the U.S. and Canada.

David B. Benson said...

Today is, what, the 64th anniversary of the longest day?

tytandanmar said...

For those of you who believe humans are causing this so called global warming, I will give it some slight consideration when I know one of you has done the following:

Moved into or converted your home to have no indoor plumbing, electricity, gas or any other modern convenience that uses energy. I suggest candles for lighting and a fireplace for heat.

Forego any mode of transportion other than animal or human powered. Public transportation does not count since it also contributes to your so called global warming.

Do not use any public utility or private business that contributes to your global warming theory.

If any of you actually do this, I guess I'll never know. You shouldn't have a computer by then.

tytandanmar said...

For those of you have no idea what this would be like, visit your nearest Amish community. But even they cheat sometimes, using gas powered generators to power tools to make furniture etc. I once brokered lumber of a living and one of our biggest pallet suppliers was an Amish mill in northeast Ohio. All transactions were done by mail because they did not have a phone. This was in 1990.

DEN said...

D-Day 1944, almost lost in the shuffle.

tytandanmar said...

Please do not feel guilty if any of you do not accomplish what I suggested. Your godfather of global warming, Al Gore, hasn't changed his lifestyle one iota and in fact, makes money of his global warming theory. Leave me and other Americans be that can see through the farce that global warming is.

micki said...

Oy.

What a pain.