Friday, June 13, 2008

Friday Funnies





21 comments:

DEN said...

Lord Petro

DEN said...

"Barack Obama has kind of a special email relationship with Scarlett Johansson, a beautiful, beautiful actress. They exchange emails, and that reminded me that I also have an internet relationship with Scarlett Johansson, but she doesn't know anything about it." --David Letterman

"And John McCain is campaigning very hard. Every day I pick up the newspaper, he's someplace else. He's got a new strategy. Well John McCain just announced he wants to do a series of town hall meetings where he'll meet with the public. Yeah, it's all part of McCain's 'Speak Up, I Can't Hear You' tour." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush gave a big speech today in Europe. He says he regrets giving the false impression that he is not a man of peace. But see, that's the problem. You start one or two little wars, and right away, oh everybody jumps to conclusions." --Jay Leno

"According to the Washington Post, Barack Obama and actress Scarlett Johansson are email buddies. Apparently they email each other back and forth. So, you've got a 23-year-old gorgeous, blonde actress emailing a married presidential candidate. Well, what could go wrong there, huh?" --Jay Leno

"Not to be outdone today, John McCain admitted he had been exchanging flirty emails with Angela Lansbury. And there's talk of Rue McClanahan." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama said his differences with Hillary Clinton are, 'infinitesimal, tiny, minute, trivial and inconsequential.' That's what he said, yeah. When he heard this, President Bush said, 'That guy knows way too many words to be president.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama's considering various candidates to be his vice president. He's paying special attention to people who have a military background. Yeah, experts say Hillary Clinton still has a shot, since she reached the rank of major ballbuster." --Conan O'Brien

"CNN reports that John McCain is aggressively trying to win over the independent vote. Yeah, of course, to John McCain, independent means anyone who can make it to the toilet without help." --Conan O'Brien

"You know, I'll tell you, things are not good. The price of oil doubled in less than a year. Home foreclosures are at a record high. Unemployment is surging. But yesterday we saw a ray of hope. President Bush left the country. So maybe things will get better." --Jay Leno

"Well, according to the most recent survey, 14% of the people believe that we will see $5 a gallon gas by the end of the year. $5 a gallon. The other 86% think we'll see it by the end of the week." --Jay Leno

"You know, I don't want to say the oil companies are screwing people, but full service now includes KY Jelly." --Jay Leno

"Saudi Arabia announced they will call a meeting of all the OPEC nations and promised to crack down on the high gas prices. Well, let's hope it's as successful as the Saudi crackdown on terrorism." --Jay Leno

"Over the weekend, as you know, Hillary Clinton conceded. ... Well, you know what's interesting? There were signs. You know, just before Hillary spoke on Saturday, you know, there was a sure sign that her campaign had ended. Anybody notice it? Did you notice? Bill brought a date." --Jay Leno

"Well, today it was made public that Hillary Clinton spent $212 million dollars on her campaign for the nomination. $212 million. Think about that. The last time anybody spent that kind of money to come in second were the New York Yankees." --Jay Leno

"But you know something? I think Hillary may secretly be glad that this whole thing is over. 'Cause now she can go back to doing what she loves the most: huntin', drinkin' whiskey, shootin', get back to her roots, as we saw. Well, the good news is Hillary is on Barack Obama's list for potential vice presidents. Yeah. The bad news, she's just a little bit below the Reverend Wright." --Jay Leno

"But I thought Hillary was very gracious. She gave a terrific speech. She was very gracious to Barack Obama in her speech. Gave him her full support. And today, she sent him a basket of fresh tomatoes. Did you see that? Well, imagine, beautiful, fresh tomatoes." --Jay Leno

"Well, Barack Obama took the weekend off from campaigning. He said on Saturday night he went on a date with his wife, Michelle. They went on a date. The nice thing is they can stay out late on Saturday nights, without having to worry about getting up to go to church anymore." --Jay Leno

"Over the weekend, Barack Obama spoke with John McCain on the phone. I don't want to say McCain is getting old, but halfway through the conversation, McCain said to Barack, 'Can you put your mommy on?'" --Jay Leno

"In his new blog -- you know, he's got a blog. McCain has a blog now. He announced he is a huge ABBA fan. ABBA! Well, that will bring in the young voters, huh? Come on, who isn't ABBA-crazy these days?" --Jay Leno

"John McCain has a new slogan. 'A Leader We Can Believe In.' That's a good slogan. Don't confuse that with President Bush's slogan, 'We Can't Believe He's Our Leader.'" --Jay Leno

"And you may have heard, former Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee is being called a hero. He saved a man's life over the weekend, really, by performing the Heimlich maneuver. Saved a man from choking. And in a related story, Senator Larry Craig performed the Heimlich maneuver on three men, none of whom were choking" --Jay Leno

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micki said...

I never noticed this acronym until this morning:

Roberts
Alito
Thomas
Scalia

Quite apropos.

DEN said...

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse. Standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians
who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf; and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time. Before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse. We ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says,

"Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."

DEN said...

Deep Thoughts

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they
are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in" .. But
it's only a "penny for
your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the
clothes you were buried
in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we
figured out it would be a
good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby"
when babies wake up like
every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still
called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then
put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you
naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the
toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there
a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool
lane ?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a
radio out of a coconut, why
can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on
all fours? They're both
dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that
ACME crap, why didn't he
just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is
made from vegetables,
what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality
come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little
Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside
the hemisphere, but call
it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's
face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his
head out the window?

David B. Benson said...

Micki --- Are you sure theose were MSM? Maybe those were just backwater media. :-)

Den --- The extra cent goes for taxes, of course. :-)

Alan said...

Limerick from Mad Kane

Ode To McCainiac Recession-Deniers
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Behold the recession-denier!
As inflation and job loss surge higher,
He will stubbornly claim
Lib’ral press is to blame
For making us think things are dire.

micki said...

Tim Russert died.

micki said...

Happens to anyone. Anytime.

DEN said...

Timmy:

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face;
the rains fall soft upon your fields and until we meet again,
may God hold you in the palm of His hand.

.

Saladin said...

Wine Is Better Then Water

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.Remember : Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

©arol said...

I read that Tim Russert died! Came here to see if you guys knew, of course you did.

That shocked me. Only 58. I look at him on Meet the Press and always wonder about his health, his heart, because of the weight he has/had on him. Maybe I was psychic because I don't wonder those things about other folks.

micki said...

According to one report, Russert had an enlarged heart.

What causes an enlarged heart?

Enlarged heart (cardiomegaly) is not a disease but a sign of an underlying problem. It can have many causes, including:
High blood pressure
Heart valve disorders
Weakness of the heart muscle (cardiomyopathy)
Severe anemia
Thyroid disorders
Excessive iron in the body (hemochromatosis)
Abnormal protein buildup in an organ (amyloidosis)

In some people, an enlarged heart causes no signs or symptoms. Others may experience:
Breathing difficulties
Shortness of breath
Dizziness
Abnormal heart rhythm (arrhythmia)
Swelling (edema)

Treatment is directed at the underlying cause of enlarged heart.

++++++

I guess Cheney couldn't die from an enlarged heart, since he doesn't have one.

David B. Benson said...

Egypt begins mass deportations of Eritreans

There will be more and more of this sort of thing...

David B. Benson said...

Despite which, its barley-n-hops time!

(Certainly wouldn't want to drink water. Not after the public service message.)

tytandanmar said...

Micki,

I find it odd that you would use this occasion on the day of the death of Tim Russert to attack Dick Cheney. Even as a conservative, I have and will always have great respect for Tim Russert as a journalist and a human being. Most other conservatives believe him to be liberal but never say about him what you said about Cheney. I believe it is you who has no heart.

DEN said...

I did not always agree with Timmie but 58 is too young to go.
He was an important figure in the MSM and could have done much more.

Life is a thread easily cut.

Not much anyone can do about it.

Console the family, show support.

When a person dies they cease to exist in this particular space and time, they might just be OK on the other side.

No one knows.

Religion claims to know.

Believe what you like.

They say dying is easy, just not always timely.

.

micki said...

Whether Dick Cheney has "heart" or not is not affected at all by the timing of Tim Russert's death.

Since you don't understand, I'll explain. It's figurative language. Cheney's lack of "heart" relates to the dearth of his emotional or moral "heart" as distinguished from his intellectual capabilities.

Go preach to someone who gives a damn what you think.